Have been feeling rather shitty for the past few days. I don't know if it's because no ones giving a shit about me or if I just feel like something has changed yet again.

I don't wish to be trapped in the toxic cycle of being afraid of being who I am. I won't deny the fear will always be there. Some days I really wish the trust was never broken. So i have nothing to be guarded about. What's done is done and I really cannot imagine myself being taken a fool again and I have no clue about it.

Recently i've been getting shouted at for no reason or just over very stupid things which I've already said that I wouldn't tolerate. Yet I seem to be back at square 1. Just cause he raise his voice or throws his temper, he gets to take the upper hand...? So if i retaliate I'm the one being unreasonable?

I kinda thought we were "working it out". I kinda saw like a glimpse of hope in that week or so. But is it because we're yet again falling back to the "comfortable stage" that we start to take things for granted again? I don't know but I'm sure as hell that he doesn't really care if I'm home after a nights out anymore. The person whom was so willing to pick up my phone at any time of the night if I was unable to sleep wouldn't be there to pick up the phone anymore because being tired is a valid excuse. Everything just seems kinda off. Is it cuz we don't love each other as much anymore? There's no longer a reason to try as much?

Some days I still ask myself, he wanted freedom, he can't stand when I'm paranoid, he can't stand when i ask too much, he can't stand when I'm naggy. When i gave him his freedom once and for all why did he still want to be back? At that point he was the one who begged me to care, begged me to feel something for him after all the times when he scolded me for caring. And even after i returned to caring, back to being paranoid asking questions, being naggy and shit, I still end up getting scolded from time to time....? I don't know what I'm doing i just feel so damn plain stupid. 😞

Why is it that when people have what they want, they neglect on how to keep it going, how to keep it alive? They feel like it's okay to do something a little less just cuz they've already gotten it..? I sometimes wonder if I'm asking too much. Like wait you're the one who showed me how much i meant to you when I didn't ask for it at all. And yet when you've gotten me back a lot of those feelings are gone immediately.... You're the one who showed me your potential and yet when I'm back to you slog of those aspects are no longer there. Am i allowed to talk about it? I guess not cuz it'll seem like I'm asking "too much" yet again. Didn't seem like it when you wanted me back.

"Stop thinking so much." "Can you don't anyhow think?" How? I really don't know? You have no idea how I feel. I won't know when he's feeling lonely. I won't know when I'm doing something "wrong" that might trigger something bad. Some days I even ask myself "Is it normal for people to always find some route out to save themselves from heartache?" "So am i supposed to do it too?" I can't bring myself to though.

I remember how i got through those days.. Wasting my nights away but idk at the side of my mind I still knew he cared. Aft the night I knew that if i texted him he'd still be there to reply me and ask if i was ok. I remember running back to him one of the nights because idk he felt like home though i felt really fucking sad. Nowadays even going out feels like a waste of time. Doesn't even affect him anymore. And to put it the harshest way, even if I went back with another guy, I bet he wouldn't even know cuz he don't even really bother. And even if he went out, I don't know anymore if I'm even on his mind. There were many nights back then where I couldn't sleep because he was on my mind and I just had to resist telling him. Some days i gave in, some days i called him or dropped him a text. nowadays I don't even wanna do it anymore... Cuz even if i did, the message doesn't get acknowledged... It gets ignored anyway. Or if i attempt to call him, he'll probably not answer or even if he did it's just as good as not being answered. This feeling really sucks. But like i said, am i allowed to even talk about how I feel anymore? I guess not. 💔

I miss those months where he was just really there no matter what. 😭 I'm scared 😭 I hate to feel like this.. I have no one to talk to and I just wish things will just work out 😭 There's just so many ways this might just go wrong and idk if I'm supposed to prepare my heart for it or not... 😭 Cuz right now i'm pretty damn not prepared and it's very very fucking fragile SEND HALP

😔 算了吧 I'm so tired of being thickskinned and trying to make myself feel important. What was I expecting anyway....? I knew it was because I was being overly sweet during his birthday week that's why he was being sweet to me for that period of time. Now that it has died down things are back to the same. There's this certain kind of sadness in me that will really never go away. I hope one day I'll heal. Even if he's no longer by my side.