It’s 2.30am right now..

This week has been bad.. Idk emotionally or mentally but I just feel like my soul and heart... They’re just not together :’( I cry randomly.. Every now and then.. i look through poems and articles, hoping it’d make me feel better but I end up feeling worse. I think today I hit rock bottom... Memories of the past came flashing back.. I was so tempted to just send him a message... Saying how much I needed a hug, how much I just need that hug. But I stopped myself. 🥺😢 Because I remember how weak that makes me look.. Because I remember I once told myself to never be this weak again.. But why every now and then I just wish to let go. I just wish to be myself and just give all the love I can without holding back.. I’m scared to be the only one falling. I’m scared that I’m the only one that ends up giving 10000%..

I remember of all the days I cried back in 2017.... I remembered how sad it was that I had to give up the relationship knowing that it was all I wanted but I really was just so tired of being taken for granted of.. I remember there were so many nights I just wanted to go back to you and say baby i just want you back but I know it’d be a cycle over and over again. You don’t know how much I love you.. You don’t know how much I wish we’d find our way and work it out..

I’m crying because I wish I could just forget them all... I wish I can erase those hurt erase those trauma.... But I can’t. 😭😭😭😭 I deal with it every now and then by myself. I drown and I drown and I drown. I wish I never went through what I went through. I feel my heart bleeding every now and then and nobody knows. Nobody knows how I feel at all. There are days where I wish I could really let everything and everyone go and just disappear. Move away and start anew.... Easier said than done..

I’m not scared of being alone. I’m not scared of being single. I love him to the point where I WILL give my blessings if he does find a right one. What I’m scared of is that he says he chose me but in his heart he knows for a fact that I am nowhere near the right one.. I’m scared that he tells me I’m the one for life but he ends up still searching for the real one silently subconsciously.. Then what do I do? I just can’t let go of that thought.

Maybe it’s just low self esteem. Maybe he really does love me. Maybe I’m so fucking hard to love. But all I need is really to know for sure he’d always put me above anything else.... And it shouldn’t even have to be a chore :’(

Sometimes I wish I feel lesser, love lesser... So maybe I wouldn’t cry so much over nth.

:’( I miss you

But I duwanna run to you like a stupid fool.

5 years.. I’m still scared.