:( 

Feeling shitty. It is one thing to eliminate the factor that hurt you and move on alone. It is another to wait for the person day and night to talk to you even though he's the one that's been hurting you. 

I'm really very confused with myself.. I said I'd never put myself through this anymore.. Times are good now.. But when I truly ask myself deep down, if this will last, I know the answer is no. It has been proven so many so many times.. I feel fucking sad everytime I remember people tell me, that you don't need 7 years to know if he/she's the one. You don't need to make that many mistakes if you know that he/she's the one.. No matter what, I can't erase things that has happened throughout these 7 years.. I really badly want to. & When I ask myself, why do I want to erase these memories so badly, only one sentence rung in my head, "All it brought me was a whole lot of pain.". All the "happy" moments were all temporary. What stayed the most were the times when I was intentionally hurt by the one person I loved so so so dearly. I ask myself so many times, how can I love someone who has hurt me so many times intentionally. How can I love someone that have verbally scolded me countless of times when things were down.. How can I still give another chance to someone who has not only cheated on me once, but.... 4 times :'( Why is it so hard to stay loyal when all I have given was just my heart.. I feel like it has been stepped on so many times I don't know how it is even functioning anymore.. 

I'm haunted so badly. I want to be happy but how can I, knowing that this happiness will not last. It will die down as the months and years pass by. Am I gonna really disrespect myself this much to still continue staying....? Shanette I really feel like I've utterly disrespected your life, your morals and your principles. I dont know how to explain why I love this man. I also dont have any reason to stay because of the countless of things he has done. 

I hold onto him so tight but he's always busy finding someone else.. I know 2 years can pass, 5 years, even another 7 years. I know that I will never be enough for this man. I know he will cheat again. I know he will find another girl somewhere again. Temptation is everywhere. But I know it is in him to get sick of me.. :'( Despite knowing all these, I'm still here.. Am I crazy? Do I need to go for a check up? Or do I really believe no one else can love me better? Do I really believe I don't deserve anything at all....? 

Everytime I'm left alone my mind goes into the darkest place. I'm haunted. I'm crying. I just want it to end. I want all these feelings to stop. I just don't want to feel anything.. I don't want to remember the hurt. I don't want to remember all the things I've seen or read. I want to erase every bad memory I have of you and only keep the good ones.. I don't want to believe that you're who I think you are. 

I know how easy I can fall when it comes to you. I dont know what the fuck it is about you that I love or get weak over but I just fucking hate that I just fall for you every fucking time regardless of the shit you've done. I get haunted afterwards when I'm alone. I feel like head over heels when I'm with you. But it is when I break down that I need u the most.. But I remember it is also because of you that caused me to have all these anxiety and panic attacks.. I don't know how to run back to the person who broke me.. But at the same time thats all I ever want.. T_T Am I abnormal..

So many flashbacks happen at any random time.. I don't know how to cope. I'm breaking down. T_T I really forgot how bad anxieties and panic attacks were for awhile.. And now that it has returned, I dont know how to make it stop.. T_T.....