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oink oink

Hi. Oh my god I've actually been blogging but I keep leaving it there like I don't finish my posts. So i never ever end up uploading it. HAHAHAHA So I have to keep re writing it cuz everyday is a new day!!!! 

So it's been one exciting week. Not exactly la but I kinda didn't really planned this week. It just happened. So I stayed home on Monday and saved my daily allowance. I thought I'd stay home on Tuesday too but no. I went out with Becky. Thankfully I didn't spend that much and I went home early so that's a good thing. 

But Wednesday came, and I went out with Andrea to the Cat Cafe. Lunch was pretty expensive too. Ate expensive ice cream. & Bought green tea kit kat which was obviously expensive but anything greentea is worth it. Had KFC bucket rice AND THEN..... Red Velvet waffles for supper. SO MUCH FOOD IN A DAY IT'S CRAZY. Imagine the amount of money I spent that day. No I don't wanna count. Liqian stayed over at my place. <- this was kinda impromptu too!!!!

Then Thursday was planned last minute too. Because XT is such a last minute person. He told us Yfest people weren't needed. & the rehearsal was used for another show which I can't do cuz I wouldn't be in SG. So Andrea wanted to dance. & I suggested we go Danzpeople!!! Of course la k that's my home base k hahahaha. & in the middle of the night she told me she wanted to watch X-men. & I said okay. SOOOOOO.... I spent money on my movie ticket, a cup of starbucks coffee, awesome makisan sushi that I didn't regret at all, and $40 on 4 dance classes..... 

SAVE ME SAVE ME WHAT IS THIS. I was supposed to save money okay. I was so determined on Sunday and this happened. Alright it's Friday now and yes I AM STAYING HOME TODAY SO I CAN SAVE MY ALLOWANCE SO I CAN GO OUT ON SATURDAY. Goodness gracious this is so torturing. It's like I have a life but..... I feel like it's so tiring to keep up with life because having a life also means needing to have a lot of money okay. & it's really very annoying to keep asking my parents for money and all they can think of is "my daughter only talks to me when she needs money" IT'S NOT LIKE THAT OKAY but no they will never understand. ESPECIALLY MY DAD!!! Forever mentioning this whenever he lectures me about stuff. Also always mentioning how he feels like he's a taxi driver every time he fetches me when it's late. I'll be like "Ok then I'll come back myself everyday then stop saying you're a freaking taxi driver" Like gosh this is never-ending. I don't get why he will keep mentioning this and then he will say "No i am not complaining I am just telling you this is what I'll do for my daughter." LIKE OK ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME FEEL GUILTY?!?!?!? Don't understand your point at all. I can give you back my life cuz I have no money to give you back as of now. 

I know that I'm not spending enough time with the family but they are not exactly trying either so I'm just like ....... what in the world. & every time when we DO spend time together, everyone is just either on their phones or my whole family is talking about their fish business THAT DOESN'T INCLUDE ME. What??????? LIKE WHAT. Of course if they want to include me they will ask me about school-related stuff and I'm kinda just not ready for that talk yet so I'm escaping it. Like I don't have any freaking plans yet & i'm freaking out too but no one freaking knows. SO YAHHHHH stupid life of mine really driving me crazy. 

Argh don't really know why I'm ranting about this right now but yeah. I'm like going around to look for a part time job but no one seems to be hiring and it's also really pissing me off. People who don't wanna share opportunities with me ALSO PISSING ME OFF. Roar why is money such a big problem to the world. Why. Can't everything just be cheaper HUH.

Okay enough of that jazz I'm done ranting about the same thing over and over again like I still find no solution to that problem sigh pies. Sigh parents issues i don't know how to deal with them. But I just am kinda thankful that they are so much more open now compared to when I was younger. Sigh my younger hell days. I really wish I can forget. So vivid in my mind. Every freaking depressing moment. FUCKKKKKK argh 

Hmmm alright so people been asking me weird ass questions that I don't know how to answer lately. Then I came across this article on thoughtcatalog a few days back. Lol I don't know la, some of the articles really really reallyyyyy hit me so bad. I don't know why people ask me to stop reading it. I mean I don't find that it's bad. It's titled "Confessions of a brokenhearted girl". Well kudos to whoever who wrote that because that's exactly how I feel. I quote the writer, word for word. 

I wish I was as strong as everybody thinks I am. I am the girl who can get through anything. The girl who breezes through heartbreaks. The girl who can find someone else, someone better, always. The girl who is so independent, so strong, so willed. Or so they think.

I wish I was as numb as I’d like to think. The girl who doesn’t feel anymore. The girl who doesn’t care. The selfish, self-interested girl who couldn’t care less about what anyone has to say.

But actually, I am not.

My heart is broken. It feels like it’s in pieces, and every piece has a jagged end. These edges poke at me from the inside every time I move. Even every time I breathe. I am fine on the outside. My hair is straightened out, my eyelashes curled, my outfit chic. I have my chin held high, my mouth in a coy smile. But inside, I am bleeding. Sometimes I even wonder how I am able to survive. Sometimes the pain isn’t even metaphorical. It is real. Like someone is squeezing my heart, like I’m having a cardiac arrest, like I just want to curl and throw up. I find the sight of food revolting. They would all ask if I’m okay when they hear the news. And I will say I’m fine, with a smile that I don’t even know how I muster.

My hands are shaking as I type this. I need to do some work, and I do it in a trance. If I digress, I start to feel. I can’t afford to feel. I feel like I just need an explanation. I cannot move on without an understanding. But at the same time I know that not everything needs to be explained. Not everything needs to be known. Sometimes, it just is.

What is holding me back? Nothing. No one but myself. I’d like to think I want to hold on to the memories, but it hasn’t been that long. I’m somehow scared I won’t find anyone else, but we all know that’s not true. There will always be better ones. My pride is hurt. My ego is beyond damaged. I’m confused, angry, and hurt at the same time. On the other hand, I feel liberated, free, I feel…enlightened. But I need to decide.

So yeah i'm kinda feeling miserable yet at the same time... relieved and enlightened? WHATEVZZZZZ really I just need to sort my life out first. This love love like crush shit all. Seriously emotionally draining me like for what also I don't understand. Lifeeeeee save me. God's been helping me with a lot of things lately omg thank you lord. I feel so thankful in so many ways I even feel like I need to go to church to confess all my sins HAHAHAHA I AM NOT KIDDING. 

Why do I feel so crazy at almost 1am in the morn gosh. I need my spaghetti. Yes i'm gonna heat up my spaghetti and watch the latest episode of "Faking it". Goodnight babies