Wow I'm currently reading my archives 2 years ago, when I first knew you. I find myself constantly looking back at the beginnings to make me remember why I chose you in the first place.

This is exactly 2 years ago from today, 23rd September 2014:

To be honest, I really know this will not last. But at the same time though this might sound fucking crazy, I sense that he's so genuine it actually makes me feel like a jerk. You will get sick of me. You will leave me. You will go and find someone else that has similar outlooks as me. When you know the true me, I don't think you'll like me as much. As much as I want to like you back, I can't. I can't risk this. No one has ever stared at me like he has seen a goddess. No one has ever kissed all my flaws and think it's perfect. No one has ever seen me completely raw and still find me beautiful. No one has ever told me that I look beautiful when I sleep. No one except you.

But the time frame is too short. Things that come too fast often disappears fast too. Frankly i do not believe in love at first sight. Yeah maybe you can like how I look physically but how would you know who I am when you first look at me? How would you know my story and how would you know whether or not you'll be able to accept who I am once you've known me? You say you'll accept my everything because you like me. You say you're different from everyone else because you like me. 

"Sucks when you kinda like someone but you can't tell anyone about it cause your friends might judge. & you're alone thinking whether you should stop liking this person because you don't know if you guys have a chance. But you just can't help but to like that person a little more everyday and you know you're so dead." 

Yup i'm dead. But i just refuse to admit it. I refuse to believe all of this is actually happening. Really can't be. I would like to believe that you're just another phase that I'm just gonna reminisce in a few months. Is it weird? I mean every guy that i've talked to done the same to me. Talk cock eat shit, leave. How would I know if you wouldn't do the same? No matter how I see this situation I really don't see how it's gonna work. I deserve so much more yet I let people always fucking climb above my head. Don't even fucking know why.

"Just please don't say you love me cuz I might not say it back. Doesn't mean my heart stops skipping when you look at me like that..  Fools rush in. & i've been the fool before. This time I'm gonna slow it down cuz I think this might be more, the thing I'm looking for."

I get scared when people tell me they love me. That sentence can be overrated to the whole entire universe but to me it'll always hold strong meaning. As smart or as careful as I think I am, I'm still very stupid in so many ways. So..... seriously don't do this to me. Can't take it. 

And now we're here, having all these pieces all hanging around. The past few days has been truly messed up.. My title for 2014's post was confused and right now I'm also confused. He randomly called me on Wednesday night and I was trying my best not to fucking burst into tears. I swear that very moment, felt like the exact moment I felt when he called me after my 2014 ballet exam. When i screwed up my exam and was feeling so fucking shitty, and his phonecall unexpectedly came. I almost cried because I feel myself yet again becoming vulnerable to the guy that has been constantly hurting me. I almost cried because I really don't know how I'm gonna go through the whole process of being hurt again and again and again and I'm so scared and I don't know who I can turn to when it happens. It's seriously the worst god damn feeling ever. I know he'll not be on my side and I'll be facing the demons alone. 

Since Monday till yesterday I've been seriously thinking a lot. I've been distancing myself only because I don't know whether he's willing to accept all the love I have to give. Like what I've mentioned in my previous post, it's technically me being selfish not selfless. I give what I wish to get back.. I was so disappointed yesterday because he actually thought I wanted to "take revenge" that's why I was doing this to him.....? Really damn hurt to my morals. Because if I wanted to do such a childish act I think I would've done that a long time back. The fact that he took my real hurt feelings as "revenge" showed me that he didn't know how or what I was exactly feeling.

I was so so down yesterday and he just shoved the entire situation off saying he was pmsing.. What else could I have replied? I was literally lying down on my kitchen floor, feeling so fucking helpless, even Latte couldn't help me and then it struck me. Why must I be depressed? Why must I let him know it's affecting me so much? No. I must stand on my two feet. And I must give as much love as I possibly can. So if I really leave one day, I know I've done all that I could to show how much I loved him and how genuine I was. If killing him with distance and silence don't work, go the opposite. "Kill him with kindness". And that's what I'm intending to do for the rest of this relationship, however long it's gonna be. 

What doesn't kill me makes me stronger. Shanette stay strong. I can do this! 

Toughest person to conquer: Myself.

Every month just seems to get tougher as it passes by. Everytime I think things cannot get any worse than this month, it actually does. Yes on the bright side I've become a lot stronger than I was way back. But I really wonder how much more I can actually take in.

I recently told my mother about the mini tattoo I got. She asked me "Why you want to go through the pain to have something permanently done on your skin?" The main reason why I wanted to even get it in the first place was a very simple reason. I just wanted to feel more physical pain than emotional and mental pain. Because physical pain is way more normal than emotional and mental pain. Because mental pain is something that needs to be fixed. I want the physical pain to always remind me that no pain can ever ever beat me down. I want to know that I'm normal.

I'm bleeding so much internally I don't even know how to comprehend this feeling. I'm done telling people how I feel because what's the point of it? What do I want to achieve out of telling people? Gaining pity? Gaining empathy? I don't want. I can't accept that the person I love and claims who loves me a lot would do such a thing to me. To be able to make me go through this pain and for you to watch me go through this, is it very satisfying? Maybe in his mind I'm being dramatic and it's not that serious and I'm just faking it. But right now I'm torn. That's for sure. I cannot even think of how I'm gonna pull through this. I cannot even think of the future how if EVER I start a new relationship, how I'm gonna open up myself to a new person. How I'm gonna even trust the person ever. Trust no one.

I'm an all or nothing person. I give my all, I expect them to give it back. And that's where I'm wrong. I used to hold back all the love I have to give to the people around me. Because I know it's no use. Because I know I'll not get back the love I want. I don't wish to open up to someone who's only curious to know what's going on with my life. This guy however. I thought I could be myself with. I thought I could give my everything and I just thought whatever vulnerable side that I have to show, he would accept it all and help me work through my issues. I'm so wrong. The more I give the more he thinks he deserves every single bit of it without any gratitude. So much so that the whole world's advice to me is to stop caring. Because caring so much will only lead to lies and deceit.. I'm beyond disappointed. How am I supposed to give a half hearted love to someone I love so much? How am I supposed to watch someone I love just do all the wrong things and not give two damns about it? I can do it if he's out of my life entirely but even then that's hard to do.

Selfless/Selfish? I'd say selfish. Everyone's selfish. I'm selfish. I'm selfish to ask for a love that he cannot give. I'm selfish to give so much hoping to have the same from him. He's selfish for always blocking me out of his life. He's selfish for always not thinking how I feel and just simply putting himself first regardless. So many times I really feel like he just wants to be a single man. I wish to set him free. But I'm yet again selfish and I can't do it.

I don't know what I'm feeling anymore. I don't know what's right and what's wrong anymore. I don't know what I should do and I don't know how much love I should give. I should've listened to everyone else and not put my entire heart to my first relationship. I choose to anyway because I just thought things would be different and as time goes things will be better. If I didn't our love wouldn't have been this intense. Maybe then he would've loved me more. Maybe then he would've treasured me and appreciated the things I do and the reasons to why I do what I do..

What did I do wrong...?.....?