Every month just seems to get tougher as it passes by. Everytime I think things cannot get any worse than this month, it actually does. Yes on the bright side I've become a lot stronger than I was way back. But I really wonder how much more I can actually take in.
I recently told my mother about the mini tattoo I got. She asked me "Why you want to go through the pain to have something permanently done on your skin?" The main reason why I wanted to even get it in the first place was a very simple reason. I just wanted to feel more physical pain than emotional and mental pain. Because physical pain is way more normal than emotional and mental pain. Because mental pain is something that needs to be fixed. I want the physical pain to always remind me that no pain can ever ever beat me down. I want to know that I'm normal.
I'm bleeding so much internally I don't even know how to comprehend this feeling. I'm done telling people how I feel because what's the point of it? What do I want to achieve out of telling people? Gaining pity? Gaining empathy? I don't want. I can't accept that the person I love and claims who loves me a lot would do such a thing to me. To be able to make me go through this pain and for you to watch me go through this, is it very satisfying? Maybe in his mind I'm being dramatic and it's not that serious and I'm just faking it. But right now I'm torn. That's for sure. I cannot even think of how I'm gonna pull through this. I cannot even think of the future how if EVER I start a new relationship, how I'm gonna open up myself to a new person. How I'm gonna even trust the person ever. Trust no one.
I'm an all or nothing person. I give my all, I expect them to give it back. And that's where I'm wrong. I used to hold back all the love I have to give to the people around me. Because I know it's no use. Because I know I'll not get back the love I want. I don't wish to open up to someone who's only curious to know what's going on with my life. This guy however. I thought I could be myself with. I thought I could give my everything and I just thought whatever vulnerable side that I have to show, he would accept it all and help me work through my issues. I'm so wrong. The more I give the more he thinks he deserves every single bit of it without any gratitude. So much so that the whole world's advice to me is to stop caring. Because caring so much will only lead to lies and deceit.. I'm beyond disappointed. How am I supposed to give a half hearted love to someone I love so much? How am I supposed to watch someone I love just do all the wrong things and not give two damns about it? I can do it if he's out of my life entirely but even then that's hard to do.
Selfless/Selfish? I'd say selfish. Everyone's selfish. I'm selfish. I'm selfish to ask for a love that he cannot give. I'm selfish to give so much hoping to have the same from him. He's selfish for always blocking me out of his life. He's selfish for always not thinking how I feel and just simply putting himself first regardless. So many times I really feel like he just wants to be a single man. I wish to set him free. But I'm yet again selfish and I can't do it.
I don't know what I'm feeling anymore. I don't know what's right and what's wrong anymore. I don't know what I should do and I don't know how much love I should give. I should've listened to everyone else and not put my entire heart to my first relationship. I choose to anyway because I just thought things would be different and as time goes things will be better. If I didn't our love wouldn't have been this intense. Maybe then he would've loved me more. Maybe then he would've treasured me and appreciated the things I do and the reasons to why I do what I do..
What did I do wrong...?.....?
No comments:
Post a Comment