It's currently like almost 5am in the morning and I seriously have crazy sleeping issues. I don't understand why my mind just simply can't go to sleep. I literally think of the most random stuff at this hour. Yesterday night I was stressing about not being able to go to dance class cuz I didn't book it. Today it's about how I fucking screwed up so bad during class AND I LIKE SIMPLY CANNOT FORGIVE MYSELF FOR THE MISTAKES I'VE DONE IN CLASS.. This perfectionist behaviour has really got to go man. I don't know how to give myself any chance I swear. When it comes to certain things, I get so persistent about getting it right if not it's simply HORRIBLE. I don't know if it's cuz I haven't dance in so long or if my brain has been rotting for so long, I just cannot find a reason as to why I did so bad in class. My biggest flaw is to not be able to handle a huge amount of stress and today's class was HELLA STRESSFUL. I couldn't get the floor work right and the instructor was literally throwing eights at us. It's super fun of course but my main aim is always about getting the steps right AND THEN performing it. When I get stuck in the first stage and I cannot move to the second stage. 

While I blame myself a whole lot, I was really angry at this particular girl in class who was so full of herself. Like fuck bitch she couldn't even get her steps right and it was immediately after 1 marking with music and she wanted me to help her record herself. LIKE DUDE THIS IS MY CHANCE TO PRACTICE WHAI DA FAK MUST I PRETEND TO BE A NICE PERSON AND HELP YOU. But ok I'm so not freaking nice I gave her a middle finger for stealing my practice time HAHAHAHAHAH SORRY NOT SORRY I WAS STRESSED ENOUGH.... Who tell her steal my time hehehehe imma nasty bitch deal with it.

So I literally spent the entire night trying to practice and figure out certain steps that I simply couldn't get in class. And tbh I kinda think I still don't get it. Can't believe Liqian's gonna come to my house tmr just to get this choreography right and like record it properly. While I relook too many damn times at the class video, IT WASN'T SUPER DAMN BAD BUT THE CONNECTING POINTS OF THE DANCE JUST..... HORRIBLE. Sigh if we don't get it right tomorrow it's just gonna be yet another sleepless night!

The past 2 months has been very fruitful in so many ways like I don't know how I managed to see light to another side of life that I wish to achieve. *Laziness kills though* 

My independent woman vibe is back and like I can't deal with people who thinks like I can't live without them. LIKE HELLOOOOOO who da fak are you sia. Some people really take for granted of the littlest things and I really don't get why. I hate to be a burden in people's lives so when I even bother to start conversations with people whom I choose to be close with, those people always think it's like something they deserve. Like er? NOPE. If u are gonna take me for granted, or if you're gonna think you're a huge part of my life but I'm not to you, sorry man I got to go! Like hell yeah I can be damn nice and caring and shit but only to the right people and the people who actually deserves it. 

When I look back, I really don't know how I lost my whole independent feel because of my past relationship. HOW??????? I really fucking don't know. I felt so shit all the time, so dependent on him and literally giving my 1000% in that relationship. I felt so fucking weak and vulnerable and it was like I can get so crazy over the littlest stuff. That. Was. One. Helluva. Hellhole. I remember a friend told me his whole break up journey. He told me the first 2 months he felt relieved. And then afterwards all he felt was emptiness. Even when he went for many dates it just didn't feel right. I totally get it. I can't even see myself putting myself out there. Like yes fine I'd be happy to meet new friends, socialise and widen my social circle. But like to actually get to know someone inside out all over again and go through the whole torturing process of breaking my heart for a person.... NO THANKS. I probably really need to go church to cleanse my entire system if I ever did that. Yes I'm probably fucking broken and shit but at the same time I feel like this time that I have to myself, it's about working hard on knowing standards for myself, standing firm on my values and not giving that up for another person. It's about knowing how to love myself before loving someone else first. It's about building knowledge on myself first and sharing it with someone else in future and vice versa.  To be with someone it's to add value to your life, not trauma. Cuz if a relationship is gonna damage you that much, what's the point of even being in one when you can survive very well on your own right? 

Tired man. 

Wow I'm tired hahahahaha. So I guess blogging still works. Goodnight