3am midnight thoughts

It has just struck me that now I finally believe in changing a used-to-be toxic relationship to something that is much more normal. I don't know how thankful I am about this huge overtime change and it's kinda the best decision I've made to give it another go. 

A year ago I remember how horrid our quarrels used to get. How hysterical I'll get knowing you'd go out without me, knowing you'd just give zero shits about me and only feel bad about it after your night out. I remember how everytime I go out with you and your guy friends, it was so toxic that you'd just throw your temper around like nobody's business regardless of who's around. It was like I couldn't talk to anyone at all in fear that you'd be mad... This weekend was the first time I hung out with ur friends and it felt so so different. I felt more free and the whole outing was just filled with laughter. I didn't feel like just because he's a guy, i can't talk to him. I didn't feel like you were angry or anything that would cause a scene. If it was the past, every single time we went out, there would definitely be some trouble. So much unhappiness and so much negativity. 

I remember how sometimes when I said I needed to dedicate some time to my family you'd just be damn black face and make me feel bad for leaving early even after spending the whoooole weekend with you. Right now it feels so much more at ease.. I feel happy that I'm making my relationships work out... 

I won't deny there are still times when my insecurity takes over but.... Who ask me to be such an ugly fool hahahah 

Most of the time I won't wanna be too happy about where we are only because I don't want things to go bad. I want to truly believe we're really becoming better and it's not only just a phase waiting for something bad to happen. 

A toxic relationship is really so draining.. I don't want us to ever walk back to those days. I really don't want. 

I realised I really have no one to talk about my issues with at all. I don't know if it's a good thing because at least I'm not spreading my negativity to someone else or causing someone else to have a bad impression of another person etc. But it's like the more I keep it inside me and have nowhere to rant the more I feel like banging my head on the wall. So here goes. 

Have been thinking a lot about how I am as a person and where I want my life to be in the future. Right now it's still a dark piece of dark hole and I don't really know when I'll feel like I finally found my way in life and feel stable about my spenditure. As of now, every month I'm scraping by, managing to save a little but still being really poor. Having to think twice about what kind of food I eat. Ever since I started earning my own money back in 2015 at Stand chart, I really learnt to stop taking money from my parents to spend it on my own luxury. Before that, every time when I go out I'd ask for extra money so I would have enough to survive for the day. Now when I think back, my skin was really so thick. Right now I feel like I'm at the age where I should be earning my own money and spending my own money. Instead I'm still being a broke useless student who is still financially dependent on my parents (excluding the taking money from my parents when I have none habit), doing a lame part time that only gives out like 100-400 tops per month and surviving like a broke ass child ever since I started schooling. 

I am soooooo sick of being broke. I don't know how or what struck me. I just couldn't live the life of living allowance-by-allowance monthly and having no savings at all. Last year's savings were always spent on presents and staycays, tattoos and all that bull. I always complain how others get to go on a holiday and why can't I. Then i realised how I used to spend on such useless things and not only that, I did not have a part time then. Ever since June I decided to start saving diligently and till now, I have not even touched that account. Money is so hard to earn. Money is so hard to save. I can't wait till I can finally spend like a normal person without having to think like "oh shit do i have enough to survive through the month" because food is a necessity in life (?) 

It's so easy for my friends to just keep asking me out like they print money but I cannot afford to?????? I can't even afford to pursue my passion and I think that's what saddens me the most. I took for granted of all the free classes (Ok i paid for sch fees but still it was considered free in some sense) that I had back in LASALLE and right now I'm struggling to think of how and when I can support my passion. 

"Where do u get all that money to go Japan?"

"Save la what else"

"How come you not heart pain to spend it?"

"Because you save to spend what... What else can u keep it for?"

I don't know how to have this mindset. It's easy to just spend. But when you have zero savings and zero money on you THAT FEELING IS THE MOST HORRIBLE FEELING EVER. 

I remember how my mom used to ALWAYS tell me "I DO NOT understand how u can survive with the allowance we give you monthly considering your lifestyle." Lol. It's obviously not as easy as u think it is? People around me like to call me "Aunty" "cheapo" and all that cuz every single cent that I get to spend less, I spend less. Just tonight, I was ranting about my uber problems to my mother. Mostly cuz I took pooling rides. And my mom told me "Next time cannot be so cheapo one don't share". Its like.... So easy for you to say? For people who cannot afford obviously we have to think through what we can spend and what we can't? If I can afford to pay for a $1 pool for example, and uberX is like $4-5. Obviously I'd choose pool over walking out of my house, then waiting for a bus which still costs like 40cents more? Call me an over thinker or whatever, but I'm a living proof that I can live from day to day without spending so freaking much. It just shows how little people think about their money on hand. 

Hais #firstworldproblems 

So many things I wish to do but... hais