3am midnight thoughts

It has just struck me that now I finally believe in changing a used-to-be toxic relationship to something that is much more normal. I don't know how thankful I am about this huge overtime change and it's kinda the best decision I've made to give it another go. 

A year ago I remember how horrid our quarrels used to get. How hysterical I'll get knowing you'd go out without me, knowing you'd just give zero shits about me and only feel bad about it after your night out. I remember how everytime I go out with you and your guy friends, it was so toxic that you'd just throw your temper around like nobody's business regardless of who's around. It was like I couldn't talk to anyone at all in fear that you'd be mad... This weekend was the first time I hung out with ur friends and it felt so so different. I felt more free and the whole outing was just filled with laughter. I didn't feel like just because he's a guy, i can't talk to him. I didn't feel like you were angry or anything that would cause a scene. If it was the past, every single time we went out, there would definitely be some trouble. So much unhappiness and so much negativity. 

I remember how sometimes when I said I needed to dedicate some time to my family you'd just be damn black face and make me feel bad for leaving early even after spending the whoooole weekend with you. Right now it feels so much more at ease.. I feel happy that I'm making my relationships work out... 

I won't deny there are still times when my insecurity takes over but.... Who ask me to be such an ugly fool hahahah 

Most of the time I won't wanna be too happy about where we are only because I don't want things to go bad. I want to truly believe we're really becoming better and it's not only just a phase waiting for something bad to happen. 

A toxic relationship is really so draining.. I don't want us to ever walk back to those days. I really don't want.