2018 not going well

I don't know why but honestly 2018 just keeps getting worse as the days go by.. I am really not sure of how to deal with life and how I'm supposed to continue from wherever I am right now. It's so easy to be blank now because I'm currently having my holidays. What will happen when school starts..? Can things just please get better? I don't really know what I can do to make anything better. I wish that things would just go smoothly but I don't know how. Have I really done everything that I could?

So many things have happened.. So many T_T I am so far so far from where I thought I would be with you especially.. So fucking far. So far until I really cannot see where the light is and I'm so fucking scared. Because I am alone in this. I still feel alone no matter what. Because even though we keep talking about it, we still have different mindsets. You "enjoy" the single life. But I am not even living the single life. I am still tied by you. You "enjoy" not caring about anything but I still care about every single thing. You "enjoy" being alone but I crave intimacy.. I miss him at any random time of the day yet he only misses me when he's "free". When he's going to bed when he has nothing to think about and he thinks about me. Kinda sounds like every guy who treats me like a sex object. Only think of me when they're horny.

:'( God? Please show me a path.. I've been stuck for so long.. We me and him ever be on the same page..? Will he really ever come back? He refuses to tell me how long he'll take but will he really work things out with me..? Will this wait or pause be worth it..? To be honest, even if I do leave him for good, I just feel so sure he will be fine? Lol. He is already getting used to everything. We are not even meeting anymore? He is already used to it. He has so many others to message with, his phone is never quiet ever. What the fuck am I really l o l

Can you just come back and love me already..?

Is it wrong to want to meet the one I love? Is it wrong to crave for his time? Some days I try to see past this whole “texting” relationship thing going on.. I miss the real times together.. How long can this text relationship last... Soon it’s just gonna feel like a fake relationship.. I fucking miss touching his skin. Talking to him. Turning to every side and he’s just there. I feel fucking sad looking at those idiotic couples like wow so i have someone loving me yet he refuses to be physical by my side. What? So i have someone who claims he misses me yet he shows no eagerness to come find me.....

Sobs. 😩😢😭 I want to get my act together and tell myself things will be fine and all that but as much as he’s showing me now, when the time comes and he keeps intentionally choosing his friends over me.... How am i gonna feel about that? Weekends are the worst of it all. Worst. Everytime when weekends approach I just wanna shut myself down. 

I don’t see how seeing each other 1/2 times a month is gonna make me feel any better. If anything it makes me feel like fucking shit. Cuz i fucking won’t be able to take it when it’s time for him to leave. Easy for him to say “we will see each other soon”. Because SOON is decided by him not me. I don’t know how the fuck is this gonna make me feel happy in any way. I don’t know how the fuck am i supposed to handle it. 

Broken hearted.

💔 I’m scared of all the nice things that he say now because it’s so unclear... So he loves me but he’s unwilling to create any time for me. He just wants to keep this whole texting relationship going on but refuses to create anything that’s real. How.....? I need a fucking physical presence. He feels so fucking far away. There’s a god damn reason why I say I can’t do LDR.

Like hello i feel like i’m a fucking tolerant and nice girlfriend alr. I only see him during the weekends because he is a soldier... Every fucking girl i know who has an army boyfriend ALL CANNOT TAKE IT.... And yet now he chooses to give me EVEN LESSER time 💔 He doesn’t understand how I feel every single time I mention this quality time thing.. He just doesn’t get it and i just really dk why he don’t get it.

I’m just all alone now. I just need to constantly remind myself that. When you’re drunk shanette you’re on your own. You have no one to call. You have no one to drunk text with. When you’re sick you need to fucking take care of yourself because ain’t nobody is gonna run to you and take care of you like you’re a fucking gem. When you’re watching a romantic comedy and you feel like spazzing to someone, it can never be him because he ain’t gon be there to take ur nonsense. When you feel like you have anxiety in the middle of the night and you need someone to talk to, you’re on your fucking own shanette because it ain’t his business no more. Unless he’s the one who initiates the caring, you have no fucking reason to burden him with ur fucking bullshit.

You are all alone.

Sobs.

Lonely.

Empty.

I need a real person. Right now it feels like he’s just a virtual partner.