T_T Everything changed. Yet I am still here. For what really?
He doesn't really ask me about my whereabouts nowadays anymore. He doesn't really ask me about my schedule anymore. Its no longer something he thinks about constantly anymore. Only when there's nothing else to talk about between us, then the topic will rise and he might ask. I could literally be out right now at this moment and he can wake up the next day knowing nothing because thats how much he doesn't care.
He doesn't care about my wellbeing. He knows so well out of everyone in my life, he affects me the most and yet he hurts me the most with every action he chose to do. Whether its being angry with me or being defensive about certain issues, or the choice he made to do behind my back.. How can someone be serious with you and still do this? I'm confused. Yes we are not together by status. But I really believe a status is nothing if the heart is genuine.
I used to tell myself why accept someone who has already strayed? Why must you beg for someone to be in your life? He has shown so much that I'm not enough for him and he doesn't feel that much remorse in everything he do. Yet I still find ways to reason out why he did what he did....? It doesn't make sense really. In every situation I don't know why am I the only one fighting for this. I'm getting so tired.
Why hold someone who wants to run away when things get bad...? Why hold someone who can't resist temptation? Why hold someone who can even give you the basic needs of a relationship? He's obviously blocked himself out from all emotional availability. We used to be on the same page because of love. But now he can't even give me the basic needs of love.
Its true that a guy is born to chase what he wants. It is just not right for a guy to sit there shake leg wait for the girl to come to him because its just not in a genes of a guy. Especially him. Because when he wants something, he makes sure he gets it... I'm no longer the something that he wants badly. Every single fucking action has already shown me he can do without me. He can treat me like a punching bag whenever he wants. He doesn't even have any fear that his actions will make me run away. He just assumes that I will be here forever and he deserves everything I've done for him.
I don't feel any gratitude from him.. I don't feel any bliss from him when I do things for him.. I feel like I'm not even giving him whatever he wants in a rs. I don't know what that is because honestly I really feel very far from the guy I once knew. Sometimes I stare at him and I think if I even know this guy anymore cuz I honestly don't know what he's thinking about anymore. I can't understand anything. Really who's this guy anymore...?
Does this guy even remember who Shanette is? How Shanette feels? Or does he only think Shanette as a fucking easy and weak girl to target..? How is it that I'm wife material to him and yet he can just ..... I don't know fuck care everything? He really chose to destroy everything.
I really see no light in life. I honestly don't see any future in me anymore. If i can even live past 30 I think that will really be a miracle already.
Tbh at this stage, if things go south again and all.... I don't think its worth staying anymore. Does it even make a difference whether I'm in his life or not? No sia. Really no. Sex? I obviously am not satisfying him. He can get it from somewhere else or he can just diy. Love? I'm obviously not giving him the love he wants. Girls? Lol he can get it anywhere anytime. Even if he doesn't, he finds joy seeking and hunting. It really doesn't matter like who the fuck am I to him anymore? What the hell I can't even answer the question already. In others eyes, I'm just a play thing to him. I'm a girl of no status. I am a fucking idiot to people's eyes because all I am to the public is just a fucking "FRIEND" with benefits. In reality, OYH is a single dude.
What about me? I'm an idiot thats suffering all by myself. Constantly thinking of how to solve this relationship on my own. Facing all the problems on my own. Didn't even have the thought of finding a new guy. Didn't even give any new guy a chance because I'm so fixated on wanting the one guy that doesn't wanna put effort in a relationship anymore and only living for the good times. Lol.
No more light. Really no more. I can't fight for this by myself. Cuz it'll fail. And it's been falling. I'm just too blinded by love to see it. And I'm just too dumb to realise that he's just all words no actions.
I wouldn't be surprised a few weeks down the road he's gonna "leave" me again. I wouldn't be surprised if he's gonna fuck it all and give up again. Cuz from the moment he gave up on this, HE WAS ALREADY GONE. From every single situation that I went through I still blindly thought like no deep down he still wants me he still loves me. Lol. When all he did was gave me false hopes on everything and just using words to hold me back. He already chose someone else. He already made me a back up plan. Like just selfish. I told myself if there was another girl in the damn situation I wouldn't even give a thought and leave. Yet look where the fuck I am.
Maybe it took me long but I think right now it's very clear. Just very very clear.. I don't think it'll be anytime soon that he's gonna be emotionally ready for me. & by the time he thinks he's ready to feel again, I would've been murdered emotionally by him. I love him but love is just not like that. I can't be the only one trying to cool him down when he's angry. I can't be the only one being there for him but he's never here for me. Constantly telling me to deal with my problem myself and telling me he doesn't want to handle all those anxiety and everything.
Really just fucking hurtful. Everything hurts. It doesn't matter also if he doesn't understand. End of the day, I know he'll hate me. No matter what. Whether I try or whether I don't, he will hate me anyway. And that's not love. Yes I'm fucking hurt by the actions he did to me. But up till now there's not angst in me at all. I don't feel like I deserve this. But yeah I can only blame myself for believing that he really loved me and he wouldn't hurt me.
He will hate me for doing too much, and he will also hate me for doing nothing. I don't know man. It's legit not me anymore. Cuz I've done everything I could. And its obvious enough I'm just simply not the one for him.
How good does it feel that I've been his fucking girlfriend for almost 4 years and his friend of less than 4 months can tell me like "Oh i can see that is yaohui's type of girl" AND THAT TYPE IS NOT ME? How hurtful is that seriously? Fuck it all man I can't believe everything that has happened. & I allowed it to happen to me because HE KNOWS that I'm an easy target. Simple as that.
