It's been so many months and I'm still as miserable as ever. Do I still love you like I did before and am I just in love with the memories of you? I remember how insistent I was that you still loved me the same.. I remember how many times I told myself the man who can fight so much for me will never just give up on me so easily. I was so so so blinded by love. Regardless of whoever told me you're moving on and you're just using words to hold me back, I refuse to believe. Because I thought I knew you.. How wrong could I have been?

This relationship has been testing my self limits. Everything that I couldn't accept, for you I changed my own morals. You called me toxic and I deemed myself as toxic. You said I was not thinking for others and only thinking for myself, I believed. You could even blame me that I was the cause for you to cheat. You were the one who caused everything to fall apart and yet you threw all the blame to me and I took it in. When you were at your lowest, I was the one who was there picking you up, giving you support. When you had no money, I was the one who was there to help you. What did you do with that money? You spent it on some other girl. Do you not realise how fucking fucked up that is? That alone is enough for you to deem guilty for life. You really don't respect me and my hard earned money at all. I should've realised that from the moment you left me and yet I still blindly stuck to you thinking if I do more than before, you will return. The fool is me.

I was willing to give up everything in my life for a person who didn't even fucking give a shit about my feelings. I was ready to walk out of my own comfortable house, walk away from my parents for a person who wasn't even my boyfriend. That was how dumb I was. Someone who can't even understand what true love is. Someone who cannot understand people's feelings at all. Good things don't drop from the sky. You earn it. If you blame people's success, then you deserve none. You have no idea how much hardship people go through. How many people work so hard to get to where they are. What have you been doing? All you do is be impulsive and listen to no one but yourself. Even when you know you're destroying yourself, you refuse to ask for help and you think whatever you're doing is right.

From the moment where you told me you didn't have any time for me and we shouldn't meet up as often anymore, I should've known things have changed entirely. I should've been firm with my own gut instinct and not let you manipulate me into thinking I was overthinking shit and being crazy. So many times I should've left. Yet I didn't and because of that, it gave you more reasons to disrespect me. Because I allowed it to happen.

Whatever that you've told me on Sunday, it's still stuck in my head. You have became whatever you said you wouldn't be. You used to tell me how I was the only girl you loved and you can never see yourself loving someone else. You used to tell me how I would be the only one that you're willing to be so good to. You used to be so angry with guys who disrespected me. When I was sad, you'd be sad. When I was happy, you'd be happy. Now all you ever tell me is:

1. I can't commit
2. I don't want to care about anything including you
3. We're good during the good times but during the bad times I'm gonna be fucking pissed
4. Please stay but I'm not willing to do anything more than just sex and empty words
5. I got nothing to hold you back
6. I can't cherish the times now because of the way I am

You can't even assure me that I'm your only girl. Are you kidding me? You expect me to give my all to someone like that? I'm sorry I can't do it. Don't take my kindness as a weakness and don't take me for granted. So what if I love you? Right now I don't know who the fuck is this person who can just simply walk away from me when shit goes down. I don't need someone who'll do that to me.

Now I ask myself, so what if you return? It doesn't matter anymore. Fuck that shit cuz I'm so tired of holding onto someone who doesn't even try at all to find any worth in me after I did so much for him. Instead of appreciating me, there you are screaming over my insecurities when you're the biggest cause of it all from all your shady and fucked up actions that nobody can ever understand.

You think I'm threatening you? I don't think so. You destroyed every bit of hope and faith left in me. I don't know how you can bear to hurt someone you love and not feel anything. I don't know how you can be so open to options when you can tell me you love me. That's not love. That's being fucking selfish because you are scared to be alone. Because deep down you fucking know no one can give you what I give you. Yet you still choose to take me for granted. Then yeah. My heart has turned cold. & I no longer think this relationship is worth another try. It is long dead. You are tired and so am I. Thanks for making someone who used to have so much faith in this relationship even when it was in pieces lose every single bit of feeling left in this.

I'll not let you treat me like shit again. & I am damn fine with you leaving. I don't know who are you anymore.