In less than a week this man will be back into my arms.. 

It's pretty scary how fast I can so willingly give my all back to this guy. After all that has happened, I'm honestly scared to bits. So many times I ask myself if he'll be there to protect me. Will he take care of my feelings instead of hurting me further. Will he leave me with another girl again. Will he keep a life behind me and I am just completely out of it and have no clue what is going on at all.. All these are just so scary to me. 

It is true I've decided to give it another go.. But at the same time I ask myself if I can be truly myself infront of him. Does he truly accept me for me or just the "me" he fantasizes in his mind? Nobody is perfect. I am not perfect. I'm a flawed individual that just wants him to love me wholeheartedly. My flaws I'm very aware of but the past have really scarred me alot and up till now I'm still afraid to voice it out. I don't feel like I'm myself. I feel like it's only so nice now because I did not voice it out. It's as if that's the trigger point for the relationship and somehow I feel like I'm living in delusion just because of this one thing that I'm afraid to bring up. He doesn't know how much his words affect me. I don't know if this is scary but I really remember the things he say about me, especially if its about the things that I'm flawed at. There have been times recently that he has assured me about certain things. It's nice to know.. But what if things just really go south again? I really don't know how to save myself.. What if he decides to save himself again and leave me one side? This fear keeps coming back to me. I don't even know how I can talk about this to him because it's just such a "negative" topic in his eyes. Some days he tell me "You don't need to tell me I will automatically do it". I just feel like I should wait and watch.. Would he protect me when things go south between us or would he protect himself..? Would he be willing to constantly remind me how much he loves me so I can forget all the pain that I went through..? 

Many days I pretend like all is fine but when night falls, and when I'm alone, all the bad feelings come back to me. I feel abandoned. I don't know what to trust. I don't know who I can run to to seek comfort.. I get scared to pick up the phone to call because I remembered how many times he rejected my calls.. All those feelings keep haunting me.. Just a slight tone in his text message scares the shit outta me.. But I just want to be myself.. Because that's what being in a relationship is right..? You accept one another regardless of their flaws.. 

The past few months really just made me realised how you can never ever force someone to do something. If you really mean something to him, he will go through mountains to show you that he's the one for you. If he really cared for you and really cared about what you think of him, he will not risk jeopardising anything just because of something minor. No matter how much you love the person, no matter how much you show him and tell him that you can give your all, as long as he doesn't feel the same, he will never ever love you the way you want him to. There's so much so much difference in the way he treats me now.. All those prawning experiences scarred me for life. I could remember every single fight and every single conversation we had because of this relationship.. I still feel there's so much truth in the things he told me previously.. But my heart and my mind wants to believe the current him now. My heart tells me to give my all to this soul right now. I'm still very scared though.. Really very scared.. I really don't know how even to sometimes mention these few things that I think is really damn important to make sure this relationship don't become sour again. 

We have came so far.. It's been 4 years already. & its so true that you really take a long long time to know someone. Up till now I don't think I've know him entirely. & For sure he doesn't really know me either.. But yes during this crucial 4 years, everything that has happened and for everything that has changed, you were the only constantly in my life 247.. For 3.5 years that constant never ever changed. Its heartbreaking to know and just feel that this might be taken away from me again. If that day comes again, I have to know that I should walk away.. Because I deserve somebody who only wants me and not wants the entire garden.. The grass will ALWAYS be greener on the other side especially when you're with someone for a long time.. It's a decision made by the self to go to the greener side or stick by the side that's been dying off.. There's still such a long road ahead of us and I'm really.... Scared to bits. 

I don't deny though. I really love this guy and I really wish to see him succeed in life. Maybe that's why I always become controlling.. I end up becoming a "mother" figure to him because I want him to go on the right path.. I always get so disappointed when his words don't tally with his actions. Especially if it happens time and time again. The funniest thing is I get most upset when I see him suffering because of his own doings. I get upset FOR HIM. Not for myself. It's as if I'm already part of him and he doesn't understand that.

All he needs is ask for help and I'll always be there to help. Sometimes this is probably my biggest flaw and that's what they say people always "eat" me. Because instead of letting others know where I stand, I end up rewarding bad behaviour or bad habits instead of helping them be a better person themselves.. Horrible me sigh.. 

After writing about how scared I am... I do know one thing for sure is that the current feelings make me feel like the old yaohui is returning slowly but surely.. I truly hope this continues when he's back in Singapore.. I don't know why but I'm just scared of him returning back and then shit goes down between us again because of drinking, money, girls... Etc.... I'm scared. I'm honestly scared. These are the things that I have already foresee but please.... I just wish he'd prove me wrong. I just wish that whatever nonsense that I have in my head, he will make sure every single thing doesn't happen. 

Prove me wrong. 

But I'm thankful for doing all those small little things that make me feel a little safer about your feelings for me. For making me feel like I'm finally your only one. For making me feel like you're willing to put in the effort in me. Even when I'm at my most raw and ugliest state, you can still kiss me and love me. Thank you for that. I really hope I really just hope so badly that we can be stable emotionally.. I hope one day I can throw away the doubts. I can be very fucking sure that you won't keep things from me. I can be so so so sure that you will never leave me one side when things go bad... I need that secure feeling about this relationship.. Sometimes I get it and sometimes I don't.. It's bad I know but I just need this secure feeling to get so stable that nothing can break it apart..

I've been doing alot of self reflection lately and I really just think my life is like ...... ???? Confused.

There used to always be a goal in my life and that included him inside. He was my motivation and he was my goal. To start a family of our own and to build a little space for the both of us. After so much that has happened, I realised that I may be the only one who has such dreams and is working towards that dream. I feel so lost and empty. It's so easy you know, to just live day by day, spend all the money that you have just for that moment of "joy", and then at the end of the day, what do we achieve....????? Nothing.

I feel so aimless. I wish there was a drive in us. I feel like there's no light at the end of the tunnel. I got to put it down first that I cannot control his life. I can only control mine. & Somedays I feel sad that he's not on the same page as me and I don't really know on what terms am I able to enlighten him. I don't know what's the reason why he wants me by his side. Some days I'm so confused as to where this relationship is going... Tbh I can say 4 years ago I was young and dumb enough to you know make mistakes. But right now 4 years later, he's 27 turning 28 soon and I'm 23 turning 24 soon... Time is just simply not on our side anymore and I'm just wondering when can we ever be stable....? I'm not even talking about financially because honestly financial stability can only come if the self is mentally stable... When can we ever be matured enough to talk like an adult...? Some days I really feel like I'm in a high school relationship. Is it because this is my first relationship? Maybe? But it's not the first for him... I thought he wanted to settle down and I thought he wanted to wife me...? When can we ever talk and have adult conversations..? I need someone to guide me but right now it seems like I have no one to talk to and I really just wish for things to be stable..