PTSD AS FK

 Wah I cannot. 

This Korean show that I've been watching has been giving me a lot a lot a lot of PTSD from the recent incident that happened half a year ago. Yeah how did half a year just flew? I don't know. Does it seem long? It kinda does but nobody understands how fresh that traumatic incident is to me. There's literally no way NO WAY you can understand how I feel. You think time passes, and everything will disappear into thin air. But TIME DOESNT WORK LIKE THAT. It is almost reaching that time of the year when that incident happened. Do you know how it feels like to be reliving those moments over and over and over again? You don't know. You legit don't. I feel like talking things out time and time again helps me to relive some pain. But to you, you think I'm bringing back the past. You don't understand that by me speaking about it, by you telling me again and again that things are different, it does help, rather than flaring at me. You don't get it. & because you don't, I have to deal with it by myself. You randomly ask me why I cry, why am I being depressed. Do u think I have an answer for you? I really don't. The pain is just indescribable. You don't understand. You think I'm being pathetic? You think I'm exaggerating? I'm not. If you truly loved me, you'd feel it too. Just like how you feel happy when you see me happy, you'd feel so much pain too if you saw me in pain. I don't know for sure if you feel it. I don't know if its because you don't know how to express it. But it really fucking sucks when the memory haunts me every now and then. I used to tell you a lot of times how the previous memory haunts me. Because for me it was how I dealt with my pain. But turns out you didn't know that it was my coping mechanism. So right now, with this latest incident, I choose not to say anything. It doesnt mean it is not haunting me. It will always haunt me, any random day whether you like it or not. You only got two choices; to either be an ass and forever get angry at me or to treat me like a gem and just take care of me like what a man is supposed to do. 

You think that when I talk about it, I'm just making things worse. But in my opinion, it is my way of letting things go. I need to let it out to let it go. I don't know what's the point of keeping it in. I just feel so shit. I feel so tired of holding this burden that is not even mine to hold. All I did was love. & This is the kind of burden that is returned? It is not fair. Every single memory is so fresh in my head up till date. It is not up to you to say to erase it. Whats done is done. When you've done a tattoo and you dislike it, you cannot simply erase it like it was never there. IT WILL ALWAYS BE THERE whether you like it or not. You deal with the pain you inflicted on me. This is something you have to deal. Of course we have a simple way out, and that is to each walk our own ways. This solution will come up again if you decide that you cannot handle my pain that you inflicted on. By then, let's just tell each other that we have simply tried our best and it is really time to move on. I don't know if we'll reach to that stage. But as long as I am with you, as long as I'm alive, every single scar is on me. It will be there. You have to accept that.