Messed up

I don't know how i shall start today's blog post. Yes everyday at work is fun and there are many stories to tell but i doubt anyone would be interested to know my story. So, yeah. I'm currently in a very messed up situation, physically and emotionally. Everything's messed up!!!

My iPhone glass cracked. It's kind of a small issue compared to my iPhone 4 but IT STILL DISGUSTS ME!!!! I have problems with glass cracks and holes and WHATEVER THE FUCK THOSE SHIT ARE. It just disgusts me and hurts my eyes.

If y'all still haven't noticed, I have a some issues going on with the matters of the heart. Yes there is this particular someone that i've been "spying on" recently. Yes he's in my life, DUH. I doubt my own feelings every minute i see him.

1. It's just an eye candy.

2. He's just caring.

3. He's hilarious in his own way.

4.  .... Must the list continue? I'm just finding excuses for myself to escape reality.

In one of my previous posts, I said I was brave enough to take the first step to start a conversation with him, and i succeeded. The day after that, everything was almost back to square one, until his name appeared on my phone in the night. The moment i saw his text, my hopes went up again. However, the way the conversation ended was just bad. Hence, the next day, let's call it Day1, was just a bad day. I didn't know what he was being emotional about, and it was affecting me. Why the hell did it even affect me, I asked myself. Day 2 was no better. He just sat there, unleashing a really moody feel. & I stood there, affected by his mood. So i told myself, to not give a shit to you anymore and let you rot there until you feel better.

Day 3, which is today, was the day things totally changed.

We talked like we knew each other for years. We joked like there's no tomorrow. We created memories that will follow me forever even if there comes a day where we'll no longer be friends. I was just embracing every moment of it. What about you?

Then i thought about tomorrow, which is today since it's currently 1.04am. What if we start getting awkward for no rhyme or reason again? What if you stop talking to me like how you did today? I want tomorrow to be like today, maybe even better. I want things to keep getting better everyday, not worse. I know i've truly succeeded, when i can wake up everyday, knowing that it'd be a good day everyday because of your presence, & not worrying what will happen that very day.

Unless you feel the same way for me, there's no way i'm letting you know this shit going on within me. Yes i'm just this cowardy, and nothing's gonna change about that. I believe it fate. If god wants us to give it a try, he'll pave a path for us. If not, no i won't bother to try.

My mind might tell me to shut this whole shit out, but my heart won't. I wished i was cold as stone, then i wouldn't feel afraid.