Forbidden

I need to get over this phase quickly. I still get touchy everytime she tells me she's coming down. I still feel like she's your kind of girl and if you see her, you'll get all excited and i'm just...... invisible. She kinda sparks up my bitchiness and i hate myself when that happens. Like what the fuck is wrong with me? She makes me feel like i should be like her, makes me feel like i should change myself. Because myself is boring, quiet, shy and she's bubbly active and noisy. With her around nothing's ever awkward, nothing's ever boring.  

I’m stuck. Feels like quicksand.

And time's running out, gotta figure this out.
As my head, my heart disagrees.
Head says no, heart says yes, I’m my own worst enemy....

- Thanh Bui's I'm Forbidden

But i think it's just like whatever. I will have to always go through this kind of things. There will always be bubbly active cheerful people and i'll always be me. However hard i try to change myself, it's just near impossible, seriously. I tried. Many times. Countless times. I just fail. I'm not the kind to entertain people. I'm not the kind to bring laughter to people. I'm just BLEH, like this.

Alright i had a dream cum nightmare yesterday. Jerked myself out of my nightmare at 9 this morning. Was still feeling very tired so i continued sleeping till 2pm. I'm done with 50 shades darker. Wanted to go get the third book just now but was lazy. So i ended up watching some shows online. Boring day honestly.

School's just gonna start, for real this time. Once again i'm standing alone. Aglin's pulling out. Who am i gonna meet? I honestly don't like the other 2 girls i met during audition. Sigh i got the life's-not-always-smooth feel right now. One of them is so ...... and the other is so bloody good at Ballet. Oh my god why. Don't know. I don't really know how to like put my feelings in words right now. Just feeling very lifeless. I feel like my lifeless life has already started.