Tears behind closed doors

My eye condition is back. I woke up this morning with a red left eye. What the shit. Didn't wear contacts today. Felt so insecure. I had to dance ballet and contemp WITHOUT good eyesight. Just felt so horrible.

My ballet teacher just kept correcting me today. My eye was so sore i couldn't be bothered to look like i'm not frustrated when i seriously was. I felt so....... sad. She kinda "downgraded" me because i'm one of those who suck at Ballet. So everyone else was moving forward and she made the people who sucked at ballet do the simple exercises. Just totally reminded me of how almost all the dance seniors in BPS were chosen to do SYF on the first round of auditions and i didnt get picked... Made me felt so low. I'm so bad at ballet that she remembers my name from day 1. Never forgotten my name at all. In one class, she can call my name at least 5 times. Oh my. & she doesn't call me because i'm improving. She calls me because i'm doing the exercise wrong. ALWAYS WRONG. Sigh fuck myself.

Eyes got redder after ballet. Had some Dance analysis class with this teacher called Adam. Well he's kinda cute in a way. We had to do some very frustrating exercise that made us all laugh at our failures. He let us off an hour before our break. So we kinda had almost 2 hours of lunch break. Had Burger King for lunch with Andrea. Rushed back to school because Andrea had to do this thing with her performance project partner. Chilled at 15minutes cafe. Ian Fang was there.... With Edwin of course LOL not like i know him or what. I don't even watch his shows. I only know he's an actor cuz I have this classmate of mine, Melissa, who is like kind of a big fan of Edwin Goh and Ian Fang...

Had Contemp after lunch. It's Miss Susan's class. Managed to catch up with her routines today!!!  Except for one which she suddenly went through super fast and i suddenly got super stressed. I was seriously so damn happy when i was NOT picked to do the exercise again. She picked afew weaker students to redo one of the exercises. FIRST TIME EVER i feel like i'm getting somewhere. The thing is.... She didnt do those jumping routines today due to time constraint. So i think if she were to do those exercises, i'd probably get depressed cuz i'll feel like an elephant after those routines. I had a little conversation with Miss Susan just now in the toilet.

Me: Teacher~ You know who's miss Shining right~

Susan: Yeah~ She's your teacher yeah?

Me: Oh how you know!

Susan: She told me about it!

Me: Oh my god she did?!

Susan: Yeah! During the audition day actually. But there were too many students in the class so i didnt quite remember about it~ She said you were hardworking :)

Me: Oh yeah.... Okay heheh... -Suddenly remembered how horrible i was during the audition-

I had free period after contemp. We were supposed to have creative writing and research but the performing arts faculty is kinda split into 2 groups. So half the faculty will have this class in semester 1 and the other half, in semester 2. I'm in sem2! So i took my time to bathe, then went to the library to slack.

I THINK I HAVE ALOT OF FATE WITH BRENNAN. Really ah this guy. Make me wonder why we have so much fate really. On Sunday night, he facebook-messaged me telling me that he would treat me to gongcha if we bumped into each other. I just kinda didn't put it to heart because I thought it was kinda hard to bump into each other. We have different time tables, we're in different faculty... But wow, we really did bump into each other on Monday. I saw him in the library, so he couldnt buy me gongcha. He said he'll get it later. I didnt know what that meant so i didnt care too. Then today, when i went to the library, i saw him coming out of the library! LOL couldnt believe it was him. I went like "EH IT'S YOU AGAIN!" Seems like the library is his hangout spot... I reminded him about my gongcha and he said he'll get it for me the next time he bump into me -_- Ok..... During the Lasalle welcome dinner, HE WALKED PASS ME. Even though my eyesight was bad i still recognise him because i double checked. Didnt dare to call out to him cuz it'd totally be awkward. Too freaky somehow. Later he think i stalk him ew omg.

Felt so left out after performance project class. I feel like no one wants to be close to me because they THINK and ASSUME i am stressed and troubled even when i'm not. I will fucking be because i keep worrying about the fact that these people dislike me and i hate feeling that. I really don't know how to explain my emotions out. I'm not the kind who is good with big groups. Like if my clique of 7 goes out together, i'll barely even talk. & this class is just like ONE CLASS. Everyone is close with everyone, but not close with me. I felt like everyone was keeping me out today. I always see a glimpse of hope everytime someone calls out my name because i'll go like "God... I'm not forgotten." Cheryl and the rest of the sem1 students came back to the studio and Cheryl was sitting behind me. Before that i was looking for Andrea. So i called her twice but she didn't reply. I guess they were talking about me since Cheryl asked me "Were you worried when you couldn't find Andrea?" and Andrea said Cheryl was super good at imitating my stressed look & i'm like .............................

Literally controlling tears just now before the welcome dinner because my heart was bleeding. Why am i always in this kind of social state? I can't understand myself. I don't know if there's something wrong with my personality, or am i just born to have a hateful face. I just don't know. I'm born this way. What the fuck can i do. It's not that i don't wanna be happy. I just don't have any reason to be. I was thinking how i wished my mother could just drive down to school and pick me up. I wanna escape so badly. Thank god for my sore eye or else i wouldnt have any other excuse to why my eyes looked so teary.

I wanna be super friendly and be liked by everyone too.... Why is it so hard.... How come everyone else is able to fit in and click so well and i'm just such an odd one out? Sigh just writing this is making me tear already. Just sad and tired beyond words. No one understands. I don't know who i can confide in. There's no one. Even my mother doesn't understand me. All they know is that i look troubled and stressed. I give up. I really wanna be in my comfort zone. I've been out of it for too long. I'm too tired. This is not fun. I'm breaking. Maybe this is probably one of those emotional days but yeah this is how i truly feel. I don't need pity. I want real friends. I want people who care. Fuck my life. Now because i cried, my head is spinning like fuck, my eye is swollen and yeah i still have sore eye. Oh how great.

Well, to lighten up the mood, during the welcome party dinner, they kinda had this impromptu talent show going on where people from the audience can just go up and perform. It was beautiful. Amin, Amirul and Louisa's voices were so BEAUTIFUL. Luvenia and Saher's belly dancing were MADDDDDD sexy! Issac and Edem's bboy/popping dance was THE BOMB! 3/4 of the people who volunteered to go up for talent show were from Performance and Dance. Yay kudos to performance and dance!!! So talented.... Just wished i had just A BIT of some of their talent...

No matter how many times i look at this photo, i still feel like Edwin is trying to copy a pose from a ghost movie poster.... So freaky. LOL