The peak.

I've been thinking alot today. Still can't feel happiness in me. Still feeling really out of place. Still don't know how I'm gonna survive for the next 3 years. Everyone's missing school. I'm not. Everyone's missing everyone. I'm not. If i'm gone, no one would know. Fuck. I feel like my 14 year old self all over. I've said before how i hate this state of myself. I still do. Everytime, there'd be something that would make me smile, make me feel better. However this time, nothing. It's really been so long since i'm upset over friendship issues. Or should i say, upset over socialising issues. I don't like feeling this way.

I really need to get back to the way i used to be. The way i didnt give a shit about all these friend issues. The more i don't feel, the happier i'd be. It's selfish. I'm only this way because no matter how hard i try to be nice, no one cares. So why the fuck should i be? There was this time where i was talking about Jazreel and she told me about someone she recently quarrelled with. I told her "Lol i don't even quarrel with her. I've never quarrelled with her." You know what's her reply? She replied "Ha cuz you don't bother right?" Ha yeah i don't. Why should I. No one in this god damn world will thank you for your kindness. All people do is take your kindness and thoughtfulness for granted. I've had enough of all those bullshit when i was younger. Enough is enough. I don't wanna go through this shit all over. Yet i'm feeling this again.

I'm always end up being close with someone who doesn't need me as much as i need them. I'm always wrong with priorities. I hate it when i put someone first in my heart and that person doesn't. I'm back to square 1. Why.. Twitter makes me depressed. It makes me feel lifeless. I remember the times when i was still working. Aglin always had something on and i had nothing on. Everytime i ask her out, she'd back out on me because she always had something else planned. She was the only friend i knew that also had a long break before school started. The rest of my friends already started school hence they couldnt meet up with me as often as we used to.

I'm at my lowest point right now. Everytime i talk about this i get emotional. I feel so weak. But this is probably what i truly am. If someone were to know i'm feeling like this and ask what's wrong with me, i'd probably just break down infront of her. It's so hard to control tears. Especially when i'm in this state. I hate to cry infront of my friends. I hate to look like a weakling. Now i can hardly even tweet because most of my classmates are following me on twitter and they would probably just look at my tweet and go like "omg she's feeling troubled again" Fuck. I think for my next 3 years of my life, "troubled" will always be heard from the mouths of my classmates. Real friends will not just say i looked troubled and do nothing about it. Real friends will try and be there for me even if they can't do anything about it.

I always wanted a friendship everyone would be jealous of. But i never was able to achieve that. Never. Cuz I always get tired of trying. I always get tired of being the only one putting in the effort into a friendship. From that, I've come to a conclusion of letting people think that i'm mighty and i only care about myself. I need a cold heart. I need to learn to be cold. As fuck.

I apologise to everyone. I know i'm not a fun girl. I know I can hardly make anyone laugh. I know I'm not a comedian. I know all i do is bring sadness to your life.