Burst

I really don't understand why is everything all about the outer looks and stuff. I'm feeling so ugly and fat and sleepy for the entire week. I ate so much, like really 2 times more than i usually eat. Jingwen eats more than Yvonne. Like it's really driving me insane. I call her the food monster. Its so scary how she can eat so much and still isnt fat. She really reminds me so much of Yvonne. The old me who doesnt snack and only eats 1 meal per day has now become someone who eats chocolate and drink milk everyday and 2 full meals per day. It's insane. I'm supposed to be slimming down not putting on weight. Fuck. Everyday living in pain and agony cuz of my bloated stomach that doesnt deflate. Sometimes the damn toilet got no toilet paper so i have to hold in my shit, fuck. Torturing like shit. From next week onwards, i'm not gonna buy milk, not gonna buy chocolate anymore. NO.

So..... as i was saying. About how everything is all about the looks. I kinda overheard this conversation between Andrea Jingwen and Edem. Both Andrea and Jingwen were like asking Edem who he thought was pretty. She kinda named most of my classmates and obviously she asked about me. Obviously I knew Edem was gonna say something that's not nice (that's why i say he reminds me so much of Jonas. I can even know what kind of answer to expect.) but my heart still decided to take it to heart. So insensitive. Insensitive people should just go to hell. Like i don't care if he's joking. I mean if he didnt mean it then why did he bother saying it? Why did that thought even came into mind? Lol fine i admit la, duh i'm not pretty and DUH i'm not slim. That doesn't mean whatever he say won't hurt my feelings. My heart's not made of stone even though i wished it was. He made me thought of why i'm so fat, why don't i have a flawless face, why don't i have bigger eyes and all of the other countless flaws that i have. Sigh then Andrea and Jingwen started to say Zavier and I looked alike. Fyi, Zavier is this guy that looks like my fishball brother. Lol they even have the same birthday what a coincidence right. Don't even know what Andrea and Jingwen was trying to imply but I myself just assume that we looked similar in sizes and eyes and that made me mad. Everytime Edem "bullies" me, Andrea and Jingwen thinks it's so funny. Oh really? Seriously? Put yourselves in my shoes. See how you'll feel. Once or twice, fine. But everyday? If he has nothing nice to say, can't he just keep quiet and shut up?! 

Don't know what has gotten into Miss Susan on Wednesday. She scared the shit outta me. I think i have a very hateful face. I try so hard not to be stress and try to smile and try to look pleasant in her class. But all she did was gave me scary stares and her voice changed when she was correcting me. I don't get it. I am sure not EVERYONE turned their feet out properly. I'm sure not EVERYONE held their legs there for 3 seconds. I'm sure not EVERYONE landed on the ground without a sound. Ok fine she corrected me, i tried to get it right. I TRIED SO HARD. I TRIED SO HARD I FELT LIKE MY HAMSTRINGS WERE JUST GONNA SNAP. AND SHE TOLD ME I DIDNT TRY HARD ENOUGH AND I HAD TO TRY HARDER. SERIOUSLY?!!?!?!?! SHE DROVE ME NUTS. Just because i'm a beat slower in count, she had to push me to one of the lousiest students in class. She didn't say it, but indirectly, that was what she meant. I don't get it. Everytime she say how the whole class is improving, she will definitely indirectly say that some of us needs to work even harder. AND OBVIOUSLY IT'S ME. I DID NOT assume anything. Her eye contact gave her away. That's how I know. Fuck. So mad. When the class ended, Andrea told me to work harder too. Oh how great. Even a student can tell i'm not working hard. Oh very great. Maybe i should just work my ass off then my hamstrings tear and my ankle joints break apart and i can't even dance anymore. I really feel like I don't recieve enough credit for the effort i put. Nobody notices anything good. All they see is the bad. & all everyone tells me, is to look on the bright side. OH BABY HOW CONTRADICTING. -_- God.

Speaking of my ankles. WHAT IS BLOODY WRONG WITH IT. It's driving me insane. I've been trying to not talk about it for the past 4 freaking weeks because i thought it was nothing. Since to me it's bearable pain, i just ignored it. I thought during project week, it'll recover cuz there wasn't dance the entire week. Not only it didn't heal, it kinda got worse after that. Still didn't bother because i thought maybe because that one week i didn't dance, my body kinda slacked off. Then this week, it started aching the most. It was hurting so badly. I don't even know what kind of a pain is this. Andrea lent me her ankle guard and it kinda helped a little. But the next day, the other ankle hurt like shit. So pain that I can't really point properly. When i do relevés or jumps, I can't land properly. I was afraid my ankle would be too dependent on the ankle guard so i didn't wear it today. It's not mine anyway so i gotta wash it and return to Andrea. It hurts. Really it does. Half my calves are bruised too. It hurts when i press it. Don't even know why.

Went to school late today.. Everyday i've been sleeping at 2 or later. I'm so sleep deprived. The make up is giving me pimples (as usual) and I'm going fucking crazy over it. Not enough sleep, that's just making my face condition even worse. ARGHHHHHHHH HATE IT WHEN THERE'S HUGE PIMPLES THAT HURT. Sigh stupid i think i need to see the doctor already.

PP sucks. I can't believe I've been wasting 3hours plus everyday just for stupid PP. So apparently i'm in all 4 items but all the parts I have are like calefares. I'M NOT EVEN NEEDED. It's so irritating. So i was put into this stupid Credit Card dance which is damn seductive and ewwww-ish. I rather do it cuz at least i'm doing something that it's kinda my thing(SINCE IT'S DANCE, NOT CUZ IT'S SEDUCTIVE) and it doesnt make me feel like a calefare. But after awhile, he removed me from it and gave me another fucking calefare role. FUCK. So irritated. If i were to go absent on the days of the performance, really no one would even notice. -_- It just makes me mad. MADDDDDD. BOILING MAD. I don't even care anymore. Jenkin is just one motherfucking abstract director that i can never ever understand. Whatever.

Then there's this other group of people that makes me mad. There's a difference between humble good dancers and good dancers who fucking shows off. WHAT DO YOU GET FOR SHOWING OFF!? No i don't go like "WOW SHE'S SO DAMN GOOD OMG I WISH I WAS HER" It's more like "FUCK SUCH A FUCKING BITCH. WHAT IS SHE TRYING TO DO? SEDUCE GUYS? OMG PLEASE. NOTHING TO SEDUCE." I don't care if you're good or not!!!! Once you start showing off, YOU JUST IMMEDIATELY SUCK. I also don't get what's with the skinship with guys. Are some people THAT desperate for guys' touch?! Please gurl don't make yourself so cheap. Have some price in you. Thanks.

Omg i'm so angry. ARGH have been wanting to write about such things for a really long time but everytime i blog, i didn't have the correct mood. Now that i have, it's all coming out. So bare with me, whoever who's reading this truckload of angst. I'm already trying to control. I never get angry at anyone who suddenly throws temper out of nowhere. I just swallow everything in and forget it. K fine that's a lie, girls don't forget stuff. I just move on. I know everyone have their own angry moments. Even i do, so yeah. Tip to get out of the angriness: Don't care. If you don't care, nothing matters. So yes. Erm when i say don't care, obviously the importance of the person has to be taken into consideration too.

Ok it's 2.15am. I've yet to pack my bag. It's another night of little sleep. What a life. Goodnight.