Unimportance

The last time i posted was like Sunday night... Sigh so many things to do yet so little time...

School's been the same. Harris complimented me and Andrea during mask work on Monday!!!! It was super unexpected and super shocking.. He never ever said anything good about our performance during class before. & that day, he just flooded us with compliments. I didn't know whether to feel shy or happy. LOL. Ankle took it's toll on me on Tuesday. That was a horrible day. I was so god damn tired. To the extent where i was sleeping on the frass while Jenkin was talking. I didnt go for all the physical classes on Wednesday. Used that time to sleep for 3 extra hours and visited a chinese doctor. Went back to school for PP. On Thursday, we practiced the hip hop routine with the full music. So Mycs actually extended the mandown choreo and cut 2 counts from the choreo I am in. You had no idea how redundant i felt at that time. I feel like she's trying to make mandown people stand out so much and just because she have to put the not-so-outstanding ones somewhere, she created another choreo for us. Omg the feeling sucks so much but there's nothing that i can do but to just perform my best of the best so I just did. Out of NOWHERE, she said she liked my performance on Friday, which is today. SHE REALLY GAVE ME A SHOCK. An even bigger shock than Harris. She said this, "I really like Shanette's.... Where is she?" So i raised my hand, i was actually expecting her to say something about my costume colour or something but she said it was my performance. Jaw dropped. I swear you have no idea how much demoralisation she have put me through and then you hear that from her. It's really unbelievable and a freaking precious compliment man no joke. The 2 teachers that I have never heard praised me before, actually did in a week. 1 in the beginning of the week and 1 at the end of the week. Awesome or awesome?

Sad thing was my leg was hurting alot from hip hop. Tried to kick the pain away but it kept lingering. It got 10 times worse when school ended. I think that's the reason why i started to get so moody throughout the night. I felt like i shouldn't keep saying how much my leg hurts because both Jingwen and Andrea kinda don't give a shit about it and so i can't do anything about it either so..... I just decided to just walk at the speed where my leg wouldn't hurt as much.

Ok so this was what happened. Jingwen and Andrea were walking so fast infront and this Shafiq was talking to Afiq on the second level and no one waited for him. So I, being the kind one, waited and slowed down for him. Guess what he did? He just left me behind and went to find Andrea, who was like at least 2metres away from me. He did turn back afew times, and insulted me like no one's business. As if i wanted to walk slow. If it weren't for my bloody pig leg, do you think I would walk as slow as a pig?! Omg so irritating. K fine Shafiq probably wouldn't know about it so it's ok. Let him insult for all i care. So after they bought their food, while walking back to school, i was kinda in my own world since all of them were like having conversations that I have no clue about. Shafiq suddenly scared/pushed me and MY FUCKING LEG IS FUCKING HURTING. Made me so mad. His intentions was probably good and that was to cheer me up. But i'm sorry it really didn't help at all. Worse part was after saying sorry and all that he just walked off and continued his conversations with them again. I'm really like semi invisible. I really wanna be someone else for a day and see if Shanette is really semi invisible. Everyone treats me the same. Since i was born till now. I really don't understand why. Got mad again and just walked off to the sandwich machine and buy my dinner from there. Don't say that i'm petty or whatever. I'm not. There's a reason why i got angry. I felt like I'm not that much of an importance to him at all. Irks me so much. His sincerity level is not even 50%. When he's upset or whatever, all 3 of us are cracking our fucking heads to think of how to cheer him up. But when either me or Jingwen's upset, it's like nothing to him. It just makes me think why i'm trying so hard. For fuck!!!?!?!! I hate it when i treat someone important but they just see me as someone not THAT imporant. For someone who doesn't know how to appreciate. I don't see the point at all. Insensitivity of a guy is just probably one of the reasons why i think i'll stay single forever. Just saying.

While walking back home, thought of all those people whom i've tried to make them happy when they were sad but no one stood by me when i was sad. I wanted to text somebody, wanted to tell someone about shitz going on inside of me. I COULDN'T THINK OF ANY. The first person that came into mind, kinda gave me signs that she's irritated that i'm always spamming her with my problematic problems so i didn't text her. I thought of my mother too but what the hell she will just send me some stupid replies which would totally be uncalled for. Totally on the verge of crying but obviously didn't. I don't get it. I really don't. I'm always listening to people's problems, always having no say in anything. Who's here for me? Those who CLAIMED that they would listen to my problems, somehow just got tired and stopped replying/giving a shit about me after awhile. If you don't know, I can sense sincerity very well. I hate it when people pity me, hate it when people do something for me just because someone else told them to. If you wanna do something, DO IT ON YOUR OWN ACCORD.

Just fuck my life. I'm just feeling very unimportant. But oh well. I will probably get over it since i've been unimportant for the past 17 years of my fucking life. Life goes on anyway. I'll just continue being the Shanette ninja i've always been.