Shut up

Ellooooooooo~ It's Friday friday gotta get down on friday~

 

Didn't went for Pilates class this morning. Andrea was late for like 20minutes... LOL.. Sat at our secret spot and chatted a little while. Hip hop was not that bad because we kinda know our steps already. Mycs told us our hip hop rough score. She told me that I didn't do well for the first half of the semester but she sees improvement in the second half of the semester. So she told me to not be sad over the marks she was going to tell me. I was sad, honestly. Sigh i really wonder what i can do.. I really don't know what I'm good at. I'm not good at socializing, talking, singing, dancing, studies. I don't have good looks i don't have good body. I give up halfway in both guitar and piano, so i can't exactly play very well in both instruments. Wtf i'm just so sad with myself. How can i have confidence in anything if I know that everybody else is better than me? LITERALLY EVERYBODY. So hopeless.

 

Sometimes i think if I've taken the atheletic route, I woud've probably gained more confidence in myself. I never once felt sucky about my swimming skills during those days. I always wanted to compete who's the fastest with my swimmates. I always wanted to see who plays better in badminton. Even if i knew my competitor was strong, i still wanted to challenge that person. Rope skipping was something I thought was stupid in the beginning. But then, everyone else in the rope skipping club could skip so well. & It made me wanna be that well. So i practiced every single day until i could even do stuns in a matter of a few months. Sigh where did that Shanette go? All burried under all these demoralizations.. All these people who are better than me.. I'm nothing but shit. No matter how hard i try, I still am what i am. So depressed.

 

You know what's worse? When the people around me are critisizing other people or themselves which are not true. & I feel like they are indirectly critisizing me too sometimes.. I don't know how to explain this. It's like person A tells me that this girl has fat thighs and big face. Then i look at myself, oh i have fat thighs and big face too. How am i supposed to agree to person A's critic? It's like critisizing myself too. Another example, person B sings averagely well. Like it's acceptable. But person C says it sucks very badly, and that she can't sing. Then i see myself again, I can't even sing. I sound like a croaked frog. So if I'm bad, how is SHE bad?! How can i agree that she's bad at singing when I myself can't even sing? DOES ANYONE GET WHAT I MEAN HERE? Sigh I don't know how to explain this nonsense. Ok this last example might probably make things super clear. I am fat. Whole world knows that. Person D is a slim average sized girl. & infront of me she complains about how fucking fat she is. I LOOK AT MYSELF AND I GO LIKE WTF AM I THEN? Hippo.

 

Sigh my demoralization level has reached rock bottom. I can't think of anyone that I can truly say "I'm better at (something) compared to this person". This sucks. And all those who try to comfort me, all tell me bullshit comforting words which i know are not true at all. It doesn't help people, doesn't help. Sad to the point where tears just flow out without me even realising it.

 

After school and dinner, slacked at the frass with Andrea Shafiq and Jingwen. Afiq went to somewhere only god knows LOL!!! I really don't know where he went. Before he went, both the fiqs were super amazed and spazzing over how Andrea could sing so well. Omg dramatic scene i don't even know what was going on. It's was just so noisy and confusing so i just went to lalaland. LOL. My phone cracked. Fuck it. I totally knew it'd crack. These past few days, my phone went through so many almost-cracking moments. It finally cracked today, so disgustingly.. OI PHONE YOU HAPPY NOW THAT YOU'VE CRACKED????!?!?! Irritating phone.

 

While sleeping at the frass, my mind was drifted away to idk where. Argh why is my mind always thinking so much? HOW CAN I STOP IT FROM OVER THINKING????

Went home and my brother wasn't home yet. HOW RARE THAT I'M EARLIER THAN MY BROTHER.... Haha. Yay to 2 free days. I'm just gonna enjoy my 2 "off days" tomorrow. Gonna miss Andrea's, Afiq's, Shafiq's and Jingwen's face though... I don't understand how we see each other everyday but I don't get sick of seeing them. It's like even though we spend so much time together, I still think we're not spending enough time.. The feeling's so weird~

 

Goodnight.