"LIFE BECOMES EASIER WHEN YOU ACCEPT AN APOLOGY YOU NEVER GOT."
-Robert Brault
Went to school with a heavy heart. Tried so damn hard to not think about that morning. Tried so hard to enjoy hip hop. But I can't. Just got through the day and yeah. I loved Alvin's lesson. IT WAS SO AWESOME. The activity he did yesterday, I knew it too because I saw him did that on tv. Had dinner at Nex with Andrea and went home. Saw my holland relative at home. Greeted her and went back to my room.
Slept till about 11 this morning and attempted to do my research and writing essay. GOD I ONLY HAVE 1.5 PARAGRAPHS DONE. Sigh ate so much because I was stressed and I didn't know how to reject my dad. This sucks.... I hate to be stressed... I really need to holidays to hurry come.
Was thinking about the past this evening because I was browsing through afew of my old friends' FB and my old flame's too... Looked through my old blog posts too and was freaking judging my sec 1 self. Not even kidding. I would've punched my sec 1 self man.
Haha was happy to have a chat with Klaryce just now. Can't believe she actually thought of me too cuz she was doing the same thing as me, checking out Facebook... HAHA. It's so comforting to hear more about her because I was with her throughout her whole past that has impacted her the most. "So much to share with you. HAHA good old days" she sent me. Sigh :') Hopefully I get to see her soon... It's really been soooo long.
I was telling her about my weight issues too and then she told me this "I was unhappy because I gained weight. My shorts get bigger. I can't wear my old jeans anymore. I'm serious. (Boyfriend's name) doesn't let me skip meals or eat lesser than what normal person should. LOL. You can see how much he changed me. But because I have him. And eating makes me happy. It doesn't bother me as much as before" So blissful I also know. I have no one. If I was in love and my -invisible- boyfriend loved me for who I am too, I probably wouldn't be as depressed. The fact that I'm gonna stay single the next few decades of my life is just, YEAH DEPRESSING.
She made me thought of career paths and stuff. & Melissa Quek popped out of my head again. "I think you're not cut out for this course." I really don't know why I can imagine her saying that to me. It's just so vivid. I tried to think of who I could confide in about career matters. I thought of Shining but i was scared of what she'd tell me. Shit just got messier in my head so I decided not to. Basically, i'm just escaping from reality.
Since I was thinking so much bout Lasalle, Andrea came into mind. So I just thought I'd text her to tell her I miss her... Then she ended up telling me that I wouldn't get kicked out and stuff like that. Talked for awhile and just when I was convinced enough to continue my weekend, Leia replied to my email.
I'm always very scared to ask her bout my progress.... Cuz I know where I stand already even without her telling me. I know.... And true enough I was right... Even though she said I deserve a pass because I was very hardworking and has improved, I felt like she was giving me pity marks. Sigh -major sad face- When will I ever achieve something with my own -invisible- ability...? Up till now I still feel like Melissa Quek kinda regretted giving me a chance to get into Lasalle. I obviously didnt got in because I was good in dancing... I got in because she thought I was hardworking in terms of trying even though I couldn't get steps right and stuff.
God really needs to tell me what I'm good at. Really I've spent half my life depressed over being not good enough. It's enough....
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