Monday - Had totally no motivation for ballet. this sucks. Watched gypsy and was very inspired by the amount of effort they have put into the whole show. I have a lot of respect for the musical students. Was kinda upset when Isaac tweeted saying that he saw me sleep. What the fuck I didn't even felt sleepy throughout the whole show. Reached home at about 11ish and I just stoned all the way till bed time. Sigh there was so much going on in my head. I need to clear up my head :( Threw away the problems temporarily and just slept.
Tuesday - Was very awake for ballet today. I felt so awesome. It's just one of the rare days... Ha. Then we went to Jalan basar's swimming complex as a class to do some activity Dayal assigned us. I couldn't go into the pool because coach ling wrapped my ankle this morning sigh. I was too sleepy during Credo In Us rehearsal and dance history. Was really super duper zoned out. Dance history was actually interesting because John was telling us the "Pointe" and "tutu" talk. I was just too tired. The sun sucks energy. Bloody hell how greedy. Don't the sun already has infinity energy to itself?!?!?! Stop sucking my energy.
Had self rep rehearsal and then spent my whole night at Danzpeople. So it's my first time attending their classes there and we go there because of Mycs. She kinda told us bout the recital which I'm super excited about~~~ I attended Mycs' and Andreas' open classes. They were kinda teaching the recital routines. Mycs was so friendly and outgoing with us :') Even though we were like newbies there I felt like we belong because of her presence. &...... She hugged us for the first time EVER. Sobs I'm gonna be so emotional the day she leaves SG for good. I'm not even kidding. I'm so emotional with stuff like that if you don't already know sobs.
Even tho I enjoyed their classes, I felt like my standard was very super super low. Feeling abit depressed about this right now and I'm thinking how I can get through this. Sigh everyday also think new things... I really need a day where I can stop thinking and just, you know, BE PERFECT. lol WTF I'm obviously already in lalaland. Sorry.. But yeah... I'm constantly comparing myself with others. Constantly feeling like shit. Sigh SIGH YOU JUST DON'T KNOW LA IM JUST FEELING SO.... LOUSY. Like everything I do is just not good and I'm just, NOT GOOD. So pressurizing. I really wanna be promoted. This feeling is exactly how I felt 3 years back when I almost fell into normal acad stream cuz of my extremely horrible grades back in sec sch... No.... Why am I living such a dangerous life... Always scared and always afraid.... I hate this... I wish I was a secured student. But I'm obviously not. I suck academically, suck in ballet, contemp nowhere near good, hip hop improved but its still shitty as hell.... fuck my life. I'm so god damn bloody depressed. Couldn't get to sleep last night at all. Just kept on crying like nobody's business and stopped and cried again F THIS SHIT. I don't know why the picture of Melissa telling me "I'm Sorry. You're not cut out for this course" so vividly replaying through my mind. That picture was what kept my tears coming. Everytime i close my eyes, i see that picture. No.....................
Today - I really had no motivation for ballet. I don't know what to do. Assessment is in a months time... I am not improving and I don't know how I'm gonna pass this sem's assessment. I wanna do well but I'm just not getting it right. Techniques techniques techniques..... Bullshit. I am probably never gonna get ballet right in my entire life. Viewpoints was bullshit too... I felt like everyone was just doing their own things. I didn't know how to continue their "own thing" so I just sat out of it. Had Contemp in the afternoon as usual. Put my whole heart to the whole class and still felt like crap in the end. I need to learn how to control my emotions. All of a sudden my eyes gets all watery and shit just cuz I couldn't get it right. I need to suck it up and move on sobs. (but i cant) Thank god I sweated like shit. Tears in my eyes just looked like it was sweat from my forehead.
Went to watch this show at Substation called "Leaping Fish". Gosh I freaking wasted my 1.5hours of life. It's the stupidest shit ever. When I watch it, I feel like I'm watching a primary school drama skit, except it's two full grown adults. -_-
I'm finally home before 10! So glad I could actually blog right now. I'm really feeling super cooped up inside. Everything's hitting me all at once, all over again. I really wanna know what's my plus point. There's nothing. THERE'S NOTHING I CAN THINK OF AND I'M JUST EJIWOSFESKHNFKAFJFN F F F F F F F F
Dont know what to do. I really just need to shut down.
I feel like I need to have faith and obviously more confidence in whatever I do but it just doesn't work that way. I just know that I can't. S I G H
There's this audition thing going for the this flashmob that needs 30 dancers. Jose, the person in charge, sent out the email to millions of people and yeah. So he's gonna choose his 30 dancers. My conclusion is, I'm probably not gonna be chosen. & then that's gonna hurt my already depressed self-esteem. Fuck i really can't deal with this right now. I don't know how the fuck am i gonna overcome this shit. I'm like drowning but I don't wanna scream for help because no one's gonna help me.
Bye bye time for me to sleep. Best is to not wake up, really
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