"Someone who cares will ask you how your day is. They want to know what you're doing; they want to know if something significant has happened in your life. You don't have to talk to them all the time, but when you do see them, they will want to know how you are. Not out of some sort of obligation, but because they genuinely want to know.
Someone who cares will tell you things. Some people share more than others, but someone who cares will tell you things that matter to them, no matter how small that thing is.
Someone who cares wants to see you. They like spending time with you. It's not hard to read the pleasure on their face in your company. Someone who doesn't care is ambivalent, or pays attention only when it suits their selfish purposes.
A person who cares about you will take time for you. They'll chat with you online, or maybe they'll call you. Sometimes weeks or months might pass, but when it counts, if in your darkest hour you need them, they will respond, and will do so gladly.
Someone who cares will not make you feel bad for taking up said time. Although they might be busy, so are you. They will want to spend the time on you because that is just what you do when you care for someone. They won't make you feel bad for asking to hang out, feel guilty that your time is less valuable than whatever else they are doing.
People who don't care will not text you back. If you make no effort to see them or talk to them, you know deep down they won't try. They will forget you if you stop trying. Because if a person doesn't care about you, they rarely think about you. They don't care about your opinions. If you care about someone, they exist in your mind. You think about them, you wonder about them. Perhaps not all the time, but they are there."
Bolded the last 2 paragraphs because I have too much feels for it I felt like I needed to emphasised it.
It makes me sad. To me I only do this to the people I refuse to get close to, to the people I don't want to give false hopes to. I give excuses because I refuse to go out with them, I refuse to give my time to them. And you're doing it to me. I don't understand what's your deal. Why do you love to leave me hanging? Why do I keep finding excuses to make my heart feel better? W H Y. Should I take it as you're just being nice and..... I'm being delusional again? THEN AGAIN THAT'S JUST AN EXCUSE BECAUSE I JUST KNOW THAT'S NOT IT. Fml this is a fucking tiring process that I can't even believe I'm in. I should've just made you explain everything..... Now I have to wait until when again? WHEN..... Always waiting for the sky to drop. Shan is best at waiting. For the sky to drop. Don't curse me guys. Don't tell me "You don't want to wait then go do something about it." Wow trust me when I say even if I did, nothing will change and maybe I'll be ignored. Like what's new man. Forever getting ignored. Why don't your words ever tally with your actions... Why?????....
IT'S OKAY SHAN. I'm gonna stop questioning for now. NO MORE. I'm so contradicting sometimes I know that... That's how I battle with myself every single day. I tell myself yes and then no. I tell myself that I suck and then I pull myself back up. I tell myself I'm gonna give up and then NO I'm staying. You get the gist lol.... But yeah I leave everything to god. I'll stop questioning why. Truth will be revealed when the holidays come. Like I said, I'll wake up... When I no longer have any more excuses to cover up for him, and for myself. When I know he can no longer use school as an excuse. When I know he's so free but he chooses not to talk to me.
No one asked me to wait. No one told me "YOU STAY HERE TILL THE END OF THE TERM." No one..... I'm seriously asking for it. That's why I say I need a car to run me down. To wake my senses up. I know I gave myself so many deadlines. Lol but this time seriously last time already. When this deadline is up I really have no reason to wait anymore. Sigh my heart sigh this is sad sigh fuck it
School's been so sucky this week... Especially from Wednesday till Friday. The last time I felt this horrible was during January. I think of that one person every time I'm feeling down but then..... Nope he doesn't care. So many things are so unclear. Like yeah okay we're on talking terms now but nope we're not really talking either. What the hell. Now I really feel like I'm being put on pause. So horrible yet I'm willing to be stupid. Because I know eventually you'll press the play button again. WHERE'S THE CAR I WANT YOU TO RUN ME DOWN ANYTIME SOOOOOON.
You know I'm so overwhelmed by school work that I am really breaking down. And this whole situation is affecting me subconsciously and it just doesn't go away. It's literally just adding to my mountain of sadness. I always think that I'd feel so much better if you were here.. No matter how busy, just a slight sign of concern would really make my days brighter. I have faith but it's slowing dying off again.... How long can I keep this up? How can you just press pause anytime you want.. Part of me understands and another part just thinks that this is ridiculous. I would never do something like this to the person that I care. I would never make someone I care go to sleep feeling like I have forgotten about him.
10 MORE DAYS OF SCHOOL. 10 MORE DAYS OF HORRIBLE SCHOOL DAYS. I mean I definitely still have to go back to school still after the 10 days but at least..... Nothing to think about... Unless Melissa really decides to retain me then I'm just gonna have the hell of my life for the next few months but.... OMG PLEASE LORD I HAVE FAITH IN YOU I KNOW I'LL GET THROUGH THESE HORRIBLE 2 WEEKS. I KNOW YOU HAVE SOMETHING PLANNED FOR ME. I TRUST YOU I TRUST YOU I TRUST MYSELF TOO NOT REALLY BUT YEAH
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