Who am I

Finally recital is over. I wanna say yay to shorter days of school but I realised no... I still end at 9 on mondays. I still end at 8 on Wednesdays... Thursdays have now been extended till 7 instead of 6.30pm.. Well at least my fridays are still 6.15pm!! I guess that's good enough

I'm superrrrrrr tired. I've been sick since Wednesday night. The constant late night rehearsals and having to still go school at 8.30 in the morning. Fuck. I hate school. I hate the school starts so early. So I didn't go school in the morning on Thurs. I went in the afternoon and I have to hear my classmates say I purposely skip school just because they don't know I'm sick. Why the fuck should I explain myself? I hate how this stupid school just all assume that we skip school just because we skip school. Fuck? I'm so fucking annoyed. But whatever. Thursday night I had fever again. And Friday was freaking performance day. HOW EVEN. Supposedly I had Albert in the morning. But I didn't go. I WAS SHIVERING the whole night till morning I can't even imagine how I would survive the day let alone albert. So in the morning I woke up I texted the class. Obviously no one replied me except one of them but her reply was SOOOO convincing I almost wanted to smack someone in the face. DID THEY REALLY THINK I WAS LYING?!?!?! Fuck.

Went for stage run that morning and I was late. Initial plan was to go to the doctor. Well dad told me to. I said okay but he told me to stay home the whole day. I'M LIKE WHUT ITS FUCKING PERFORMANCE DAY. So no. So daddy suggested to fetch me to the place itself. I WAS SO THANKFUL REALLY.... Cuz I was still shivering. But yeah I reached there late. & I was panting like hell. The fact that we had to wear that stupid mask to dance didn't help me at all.... But honestly I was feeling better until around 5pm when i started feeling giddy and cold and hot all at the same time. Guess what? Just when the real show started I felt sick again. So horrible. I didn't warm up. My body was feeling so weak I just wanted to curl up in bed and sleep. After the first item, I came back, didn't feel any better because guess what? I FELL ON STAGE. Wow amazing shan amazing. Went on the second item and thankfully it went well. The curtain call was sooooo fucking draggy I almost wanted to just faint on stage. The lights were so hot, the overwhelming amount of people on stage.... WHY. After the whole thing I just wanted to freaking go home. I didn't know why I still wanted to go eat. Actually didn't want to. Still did in the end. Cabbed home because I really couldn't walk anymore. Body seriously taking it's toll on me.

I reached home at almost 12. Bathed and slept immediately. Woke up the next morning. Was supposed to meet Jai at 4 to watch ABCD. But she was soooo late that we ended up meeting at 5.30. Well managed to catch a few performances.. Watched "If I stay" too. Made me sad because why shan why haven't you been in love before? I'm going to be 20 next year and I still haven't had 1 single serious relationship. Kind of a loser. Really. But when people ask what you've done before I really have done every single damn thing. HOW IS IT EVEN POSSIBLE. What are you doing with your life. Why are you playing around. Why do I give people the impression that I'm playing around... I don't want to I really am sick of this. I don't want to date millions of people. I don't like doing small talks. I hate people who don't stay. I just need ONE PERSON. Just one. Why is it so hard? Am I really that undeserving of someone? Why do everyone love treating me like a toy?

I am not trying to be someone I'm not. I'm just trying to hide the fact that I'm such a nice person so people will stop fucking taking advantage of me. But that's obviously not working. I got exposed immediately after just one night out with this person. HOW???? WHAT KIND OF VIBE DO I SERIOUSLY GIVE TO PEOPLE THAT PEOPLE JUST KNOWS I'M A NICE PERSON? Can I just not..... Becuz the nice person always gets hurt in the end. I'm tired of being so emotional. Tired of feeling so much for no reason. Honestly haven't been feeling much since the last guy I liked which was a few months ago but everytime I think about it I just can't help but feel something.

I can't help but feel old. I feel like I'm trying to be stupid and make stupid choices because I wanna live while I'm still actually young. But no. Mentally I know all these is full of shit. I really feel like I'm mentally 30 years old. I want to settle. I want a house. I want a stable job. I want to!!!!!!!! Fuck this partying life. Fuck this playing around with different people. So bloody tired. If you do not know I'm watching Mistresses. MAKES ME FEEL SO OLD. BECAUSE I ACTUALLY CAN RELATE TO THEM? LIKE WHAT THE FUCK? How even?!?!!? They are old!!!!! -_-

Speaking of stupid choices I just made another one on Thursday. I would like to call it a mission. I would really love for it to work out. Because I wanna see if I can get through the whole process, without actually feeling anything. Likewise for him too. I've never ever ever ever in my entire life thought I'd be who I am right now. It's crazy it's wild it's exciting and I love it yet the aftermath makes me guilty as hell..... Hmmmmm so many mixed feelings.

Super piece of shit I just need to get out of school. I need to graduate the fuck outta there. It's stupid to give up now because I'm left with 7 months more. Say short not short say long also not long.... I'm just really counting down till the end of November. It's like so near yet so far.... October needs to come to me. When october comes only then I feel November is super near. Only then I'll have motivation to keep going to school. Right now I'm just like in the middle and I'M JUST STRUGGLING SO BADLY. Why does school make me feel so meh? I feel like I cannot dread school at all. People judge me becuz I don't like school. People in school give me the why are you even hear feel when I don't come to school. It's okay if others don't come for a million times more than me but it's not when I don't. It's okay when someone else complains about something but when I do it's an automatic OH THERE SHE GOES AGAIN. Like why the fuck. Makes me so sick of seeing the people in school. You know last time at least if I dreaded school I still had friends and awesomeness to look forward to. That's how i got through school. In this school I see no one. I dread every single fucking thing. The one closest to me sometimes treats me like an invisible wall too. Happy come to me not happy I'm like a wall. Like jesus. My endurance level is so low. I can't wait for this to be over.

I can't wait for Yvonne to come back. Baby come back to me. I see Liqian so much nowadays it's actually so comforting. I don't know why I really don't know but really it is.