I feel like such a bad daughter. I really do. I really want to spend time with my parents. Especially my dad. I know exactly how he feels and yet I still am doing nothing about it.... Everyday I see him and yet I still miss him so much. I missed how he used to have happier faces everyday... I feel like he's so sad now and it makes me even sadder... When he's sick I want to ask him so badly if he's okay. I missed how when we go on family overseas trip it was always a happy getaway... Because that's the only time I really get to spend time with them... But ever since last year everything is just so different.. I hate this difference I hate this distance... I also want to openly talk to my parents. I don't really know why I'm blocking them out. I don't really know why I just can't take the first step to talk to them. 

Now that my brother is studying abroad I feel like the distance is even stronger... What should I do... It's like I miss them so much and everytime I try to talk to them they pisses me off. It's just annoying and crazy and saddening and I really have no clue what I can do to make us closer. 

My biggest wish right now is that I can bring my boyfriend out to family dinners and not feel awkward at all. I want them to know that his presence makes me so happy and I want them to be happy for me... I want them to know why I love him so much. I want them to see that he's a guy that's so worthy of loving.. I want them to fully accept him for who he really is. Yet everytime it happens my dad has to give me a dull face.... Or all he ever talks about is army army army just because he's in the army... Can't he be more open? Can't he talk about us more than his army? Why must you keep emphasizing on the fact that he's in the army? This has been bugging me for the longest time ever and I don't think it can be solved in any near time. This feeling really sucks. I think maybe this is one reason why I'm drifting away from them... Time is so short... My weekends are so short.. Why can't we all just sit in one table and have a good family dinner together.. :( Sigh when will the day come when my parents will openly ask me to call him over..? When? 

Really hope one day happiness will be brought back to the house. Because right now this really doesn't feel like home.