Melissa quek did her feedback session with me yesterday. And again same as last semester, she told me I have this other personality outside of school and if only I could bring it into school, I would get a lot more out of school and have more fun. Sorry I can't. Call me stubborn call me anything you fucking want. It just drives me crazy.
In the past if school was horrible at least I had friends to lean on. Now? Nope. Friends I call friends are never there for me. I don't understand why I put them as priority when they don't. I don't understand why they mean so much more than what I mean to them. Always leaving me out of conversations. Always not counting me in anything they do. If I'm upset all they think is oh shanette is just fucking pmsing or throwing another tantrum. To them im just nothing but somone that forever gets angry over nothing. They don't bother asking. Because they don't I just don't too. I just don't give a fuck anymore I just wanna fuck off from here. When I skip school it's a fucking sin. Sorry I'm so weak. Sorry to don't dance and die as much as yall and even after that little dancing that I do im still injured and bruised as fuck.
Susan was asking all of us just now if anyone has any injuries. Andrea told me to tell her about my back and I told her NOPE I don't dare. Melissa chai told me to just voice out and not don't dare. Easy for yall to say. All of yall just don't understand that I'm not fucking talented. Once I say I have a fucking injury, im out of the fucking piece without any fucking hesitation because that's what Susan yeung wants. Do you think I'm so willing to let that happen? N TO THE O.
I hate this so much. Maybe im really going crazy. I need someone I can talk to so bad. I just need a robot that won't argue back to me. Maybe I need a psychiatrist. Or a counsellor. My anxiety attacks are getting worse. I fucking cry over the smallest things and get stressed for no fucking reason. Nobody fucking understands.....
Sometimes I really wish I don't exist and I'm not even kidding. Why am I even fucking here.
My family don't even feel like a family. I can't even talk to them. I love to be at Mervis house so much more because it's always so full of love and joy... Why can't my family be like that? Such a big house yet lack of so much love.... It makes me sad to see my family become like this. Can't they just be more welcoming.... Argh fuck everything's just not working out at all.
I need a vacation.
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