This has already been the 4th draft of this week. Yup I have been blogging. But all of them are unfinished posts that I just decide to not post it at all... Hopefully this one gets out and not end up in the drafts too..

It's currently Friday.. Well it's alr 1 so yeah. My first week of no-school has just begun. And it kinda got me thinking a lot. I have started returning to classes cuz of recital. But other than that I'm just free as hell and I just am considering studying again.... Now all that's stopping me is whether I'll be committed and whether it's worth that whole load of money... I just don't know.. Hopefully I'll get the answer soon. I just had too much time to think of shit. And that leads me to my relationship.

In the beginning of this week (my first draft) I wanted to say may hasn't been that bad of a month... But when I thought through thoroughly, nope... Not really. Even since that incident all I've ever been is either scared or just emotionless. I don't know if I'm protecting myself or protecting the relationship. Maybe both. I feel like we've caused too much harm in such a short period of time and it just scares me day after day. 

We're still having lots of misunderstandings.. Though I guess the silent treatment is shorter now but it just scares me... Sometimes I feel like I just cannot show a certain emotion. I feel very cooped up like I cannot be myself. What if I anger him? What if I make him annoyed? What if he gets paranoid? I'm just constantly thinking all the what ifs. Constantly trying to make sure I don't do or say the wrong thing or show the wrong emotion in case I just unknowingly start a fight.. I feel very emotionally drained.. 

Everytime we fight I can never soften up.. You wanna know why? Because I'm already highly affected that I'm the one that caused this. I'm just hating on myself and all that's running through my mind is what have I done wrong again. Why is it happening again. Why are we fighting again. Why are we like this again... Because in a serious situation I can never be cute.. How even 

Why do I always end up shouting? Because before even talking everything's just accumulating inside... All the hell thoughts that I'm going through when we're not talking. I cannot do this.... I hate quarrels. I hate it so much. 

I'm just overall quite a sad person right now. Like I don't even know what makes me happy anymore. I miss going out on planned dates.. I miss surprises.. I miss people going out of the way to do things just to make me happy cuz I just mean something to them.. I miss exploring and cafe hopping.. I always had this dream list of things I'd do when I get a boyfriend. Somehow those things never seem to have been happening. And the one thing I hate the most is when I have to ask someone to do something for me... Cuz if I do then it's no longer meaningful... I don't want it that way... I want things that are thought thoroughly by a person.. I don't know how some couples, they are willing to do things they hate just because the other half loves it. I don't want. I'll feel so burdened... Maybe because that's how my parents always made me feel. They never ever liked what I like to do... Everytime since young when I wanted to go somewhere it always seemed like I was dragging them around.. I hated that feeling. So so so much.. 

Mehhhhhhhh whai am I just feeling so mehhhhhh... I miss my Liqian Amanda and Yvonne so much..... Becuz they are the people that really knows me better than I know myself sometimes.. How is it even possible sometimes i don't even know!!! They always think the same things as me always do the same things as me... I'll never forget my 18th birthday... Never... Thank you so much even until now I just have to say thank you because no one has ever given me such love. That day when I met them after my show I just wished I could school with them all over again.... All I miss is going to school and the first thing I see are them... Hais. Gone were those days... 

I hope one day he'll trust me entirely.. I hope one day he'll know me better and know that I'll never do the things he's afraid I'll do. Time will prove it all.. I'll just pray for lesser misunderstandings.. Quarrels.. Fights.. and whatever other nonsense. 

I need some happy memories to cover these unhappy moments... Please lord I just pray for them