I've never felt so emotionally drained in the longest time ever. I can't believe I've cried for 5 days. In this week alone I've fought with baby 4 times... On Friday we fought twice. I can't believe why my eyes so much tears. But really friday was like the ultimatum already. I've already reached like my breaking point. If I break any further I really just don't know what would happen to us. Thinking back now it was just so bloody stupid.
Ever since last year october I've always been sad about him booking in. Like it's my own stupid shit to deal with. So that day I was telling him how I couldn't accompany him on Saturday because of school commitment but I told him Sunday I have the whole day for him because I finally have no rehearsals on Sunday. Then he suddenly told me he had to book in early. Of course my face changed... I lived the whole week just looking forward to spending my finally-free-sunday with him. & then he just never told me and only told me when I said that. Then he got mad at me because even after so long I'm still always getting sad about him booking in. He thought I thought he never tried to ask whether he could book in later. It wasn't even about that? It was just me being sad because I was just thinking how I totally have no time at all next week to spend with him and how our schedules are forever clashing like nobody's business. Whenever he's free, I'm busy as hell and whenever I'm free, he's busy as hell.
But he was getting really frustrated because I was so moodless. Then he said this, "If you're so sian then we might as well not meet up." Ouch. I don't know why everytime he has to say something like that. Sometimes when he calls me and maybe I'm not in the right mood to talk, he'll be like "call you also still sian. should've just text you" It's like hurtful shit like this that pricks my heart so much but maybe he doesn't know. Like yeah maybe I'm not in the mood maybe I just didn't have a good day but to me his presence or maybe just hearing his voice is already comforting for me. It might not show entirely because how can you expect me to be super happy or hyper if i actually had a terrible day right?
So yeah because of this we just fought again. He just lost his patience towards me again. At that point of time all that ran through my head was, why do we fight so much lately... If it was the past, he wouldn't have done this to me. I've flashback through all our old dates and times spent together... I asked myself if I've changed.. I didn't... All I did that probably changed is that my love for him just keeps getting stronger. And it scares me a lot because the more I love the more hurt i get in return. I asked if I did something wrong that made him so easily frustrated towards me.. It was so painful for me. Because it sucked that the present was so bad that I just wanted to relive the past...
Before we even got together I told him how I was like. I told him he was in for deep shit because I'm just a shit emotional person. & that was the main reason why I always pushed him away.. He told me he could accept it. & then now he got angry with me about it. It was just sad that whatever I've predicted in the past is just slowly coming true and it just sucks to feel like the future might get worse.
After awhile things got better and an hour later another fight broke out.
So a random acquaintance texted me that night. He saw it and he asked who he was. I said it was just someone I was not close to. I wasn't intending to reply because I don't like entertaining people I don't know. But his fire was already starting. He was already getting jealous and being suspicious of me. He told me to reply him that I was with my boyfriend. So I did. That acquaintance said that he wouldn't bother me then. So baby got even angrier. Basically he just got angrier and angrier as the minutes past.
He was so extreme I couldn't even believe what was happening right there and then. I really couldn't believe it. I'm not gonna go into details to what happened but lots of shouting happened. I really didn't know who he was talking to. I just felt like I was looking and talking to a whole new person.. "How could he do this to me" was all I could think of. He was so scary, so rude and all that he said was just so mother fucking hurtful.
It took us 3 over hours to settle this. But I just couldn't get over it. Even up till the next day I was just in this melancholic state and I just wanted to curl up in bed and die.
Even up till now I still couldn't understand how I could've avoided that situation. It was so...... uncalled for. How can I stop someone from liking me? How can I stop a guy from texting me? What can I do? I can't.... All I can do is block, or ignore. It sucked so much because I loved him so much but he was just killing me with his words and all that he was doing. I just had nothing else to say. Of course I'd let it go. Of course I'd forgive... But how can I ever forget...
Anything that has happened in the past, I'll always be afraid of it happening again... What more this situation is a situation I cannot even control. How would I know when he'd flare up again... He kept asking me to put myself in his position. But the main point is I AM WITH MY BOYFRIEND. I LOVE MY BOYFRIEND. AND NO OTHER GUYS CAN EVER TOP THAT. But somehow he just doesn't geddit at all..
Saturday afternoon when we met up it was just silent. I just had nothing to say. I was just still very scarred from the incident the night before. I guess after awhile things got better even though we both clearly knew we couldn't get over the incident. After saying things out and sorting out stuff we were back to normal.. & when we met up again after my rehearsal, he became so so loving again... I didn't know how to react to it somehow. It felt so nice to be treasured so deeply all over again. I honestly haven't felt like this in so long... All that has been happening were fights fights fights and more fights... I don't know I guess the incident was maybe a blessing in disguise.. It felt so nice to be held back because he doesn't want me to leave.. For once it wasn't me being an emotional crazy bitch. I really didn't want the day to end... I don't know how long this will last... But it's just so precious to me. He called me babygirl.... Oh my god I'll never forget it. So sweet really
We took photos today and I just seriously looked so haggard I wanted to go crazy. I need to stop crying. Too much I look so old :'(
Happy 5 months baby. I know we say it everyday to each other but, I really love you so much. I want you to know that to me you're perfection. You have flaws yes, but that's what makes you a perfect Dylan ong yao hui. Don't doubt yourself. Don't doubt my love for you. Don't think others is always better because I don't give 2 shits about others except you.
I pray for a happy May.. That's all I want.. Please..
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