Thoughts on life... Gonna cry again.. I'm tired. I really am. Please give me some opportunities... Maybe I'm not cut out for this.... I'm so sad right nao it's crazy. How long have I been sad? 

No ones just close enough to realize I'm feeling like shit. No one bothers.. Really just really... What on earth is gonna make me happy :'( I hate telling everyone where I'm at right now. :'(!!!!!!!! I'm so sad I can't even write proper sentences out now. 

Cries 

I'm tired. 

I'm sad.

I'm lifeless.

I'm dead.

I'm speechless. 

Someone make me feel alive. 

Let's walk by the beach. 

Gaze at the stars by night. 

Just simply enjoying life without having a thought about anything else. 

No money issues, family issues, work issues or anything.

I just want peace. 

For just one day I want it to be just all about me. 

I sound so selfish but I'm done thinking of others always. 

I get nothing back. 

I do things unconditionally but the least I could expect is at least someone would give a thought to make me feel like I'm worth something..

I feel alittle unappreciated, alittle neglected.

I'm like so tired I don't even wanna show my emotions anymore. 

Like okay if happy things happen to me yeah good for me. If not, yeah whatever it's life. 

Let's keep it to that. 

It was so nice reminiscing and talking about dance with Edem today... Hais finally back in my comfort zone.. I miss it so much.. The only comfort place for me is the dance studio.. The only people I can move around freely and not be judged are with dancers.. I feel so free.. Ah I miss it so much I don't think I'll ever be able to let go my dance life.. Never.. 

I want to be back in studios taking classes.. I actually miss technique classes what the hellsssss. Ahhhhh sighs what should I do with my wrecked life 

I don't wanna come home. Becuz I am so tired of facing my parents questions. I'm so sick of having to hear their lectures and their shit... I wished they let me go. 

I'm tired of never being enough.. I'm tired. There's nth more to say other than I'm tired of life. Honestly, though I wish to see through my entire life or at least half of my life, I still feel useless being alive. I'm tired!!!!!!! Hais. I'm sick of constantly having to think of others and giving in to others and yet it's still not enough. Nothing I ever do is ever enough. 

Ah sigh I miss dancing. 

Hi

Current feels: Helpless

How is it possible for me to feel good knowing my one and only love is in such a stressful situation? You have no idea how my heart just broke when I saw him just now. It's just painful to look at him stress over it. It's even more painful to know that I can't be of any help to lessen his burden. Tried to kick one burden off him but it doesn't seem to make any difference.. Still equally stressed. 

Hais.. Just when I thought July was gonna be a good month, this has to happen.. 

I'm so tired from work.. I want to MC so badly even though I'm getting used to the job. 

T_T suddenly he felt different today.. I can't help but feel that way. Firstly we haven't talked much since Tuesday.. Even up till now he's kinda just not really talking much.. He just doesn't feel like himself.. Secondly he's been rather pissed off and frustrated I guess I can understand that.. Heartbreak but yeah. Thirdly his mind is just everywhere.. I don't know what I should even do I'm so lost. Last.... he just feels so close yet so far.. 

Can't help but feel scared.. Because I never know when he'll let go of me again.. suddenly remembered his one sentence over the phone.. "if you wanna go I won't hold you back." why does he always say that to me... whatever happened to never letting me go..? why is he always letting me go so easily.. I really don't care how critical the situation is, I just want to know I'm important enough in his life for him to fight on... Hais 

I'm so worried but there's nothing much I can do.. My head needs a rest.. 

Hey... Been so long since I last blogged. Many times I wanted to but I've been so lazy to type and my computer's been slower than a freaking tortoise it's as good as dead.. Using my bro's comp right now heh...

I'm in a state where I just want to be alone... I feel so vulnerable right now because i feel so exposed about my feelings to the people around me.. It's okay if they know how to deal with me the right way. If they doesn't I'm just adding more trouble for myself.

So i just started working this week... & Honestly I'm feeling very very sucky about it... No one knows how this feels. And I'm tired of telling anyone this. I'm just really sad about it.

Why did I graduate with a dance diploma, hoping and yearning for a dance job and yet I end up suffering in an office? You know how torturing it is to make a dancer sit properly and not stretch around for 10 hours plus? Everyday I go to work and I'm just thinking why am i here? I don't belong here.. I miss the dance studio. I miss sweating everyday. I miss listening to music everyday.. On my first day of work I already OT. That made me think.... Why am i doing this? I rather be having late night rehearsals than to be stuck in a damn office... So much going through my mind nowadays. I'm really regretting my choices and nobody understands. All they tell me is this is the real world. I KNOW IT IS THE REAL WORLD BUT IT IS NOT MY WORLD I DON'T WANT TO BE IN AN OFFICE I WANT TO BE IN A BLOODY DANCE STUDIO. I'm tired of telling anyone this.... I'm just a lost soul in the damn place and their language and mine just doesnt par because we're from two different worlds...

I remember how I only survived my first day of work with only 3 hours of sleep.... I couldnt see the screen properly cuz my eyesight was hella bad. I was just waiting for the day to end. My work time is 9-6pm. When it was 6 we couldnt be released cuz work was not completed. I was so stressed cuz it was my first day of work I was just so new to everything. Had a fight with baby in the evening because of my OT and it was just so hard for me. Day 1 was over and I just couldn't be bothered if I fought with baby or not I just needed his hug. I don't know whether he knew but all day I was just waiting to see him.. Emotional breakdown immediately when I saw him.... Felt like finally I was back in my comfort zone.... It was such a relief that the day was over but it was only day 1... :'(

Day 2 was my worst day. I fucked up at work, boss had to talk to me. I had an emotional breakdown cuz the volume of work was soooooo high and I made so many mistakes. We had to OT till 915 and I had rehearsal at 930.... I asked if i could leave early but was rejected..... I went back home, talked to my mom and ended up getting scolded by my dad. After that I called baby and then he said his point of view to me.... I was just so damn tired and I'm just really stressed out already..... Ah fuck tuesday.

Wed to Fri wasn't that bad. But been fighting with baby over the stupidest things yet again recently... :'( All I can say is words kill. Hais I want to be happy. I miss going for dance classes with liqian.. I need to get over with these 6 months..... :'( Please pass..... Just pass please...

I'm keeping it in... I'm controlling... I just hope people dont press my wrong buttons.. I just hope for him to be more patient with me.. To stop walking away from me :'( Sobs

Arghhhhhhhh save me what can i do to be happy... Happy times just doesn't last really. Just when my mood's been getting better, things just turned out for the worse.

Nobody understands how I'm feeling right now. It's hella depressing. And whenever I show it everyone just says I keep complaining. I'm so tired and sad and fucking depressed I swear. I've just been crying every fucking day and really I just need my life to get better. Of course I'm crying again..

My computer is dying... It's dying on me... I'm sad :( Need to get it fixed but I don't even know how.. So much virus going on.. 

This coming week is the last week of my holiday.. Oh wells. Mixed feelings to the max... It's like yeah happy I'm gonna be earning my own money and my parents are not gonna bother me about taking money from them but then again I'm gonna be bored to hell at work though I haven't even start. And it just means commitment all over again. The only thing that I'm willing to commit to without complaints IS MY BOYFRIEND!!!!! Nothing else man. I doubt i even have leave because yeah it's just a 6 months job. And then again what if the school doesn't accept me in Jan? Continue with this job? MY GOD NUUUU the pay is so damn low I don't wanna be stuck here. Stressing about life is just so stressful.

I'm a sleepy pig that needs my boyfriend right now. I want to sleep so it'll be tomorrow soon but then it's like alr 3 and like... my sense of tomorrow is like in 5 hours time which is not so long from now... Aiyo 

Boyfriend!!!!!!! Me want my boyfriend.. I'm such a clingy koala bear