I'm sooooo tired.... 😭😭😭 

Really I am the worst human being on earth and I just don't know what I can do to myself anymore. 

The past few days have been hella tiring emotionally for me... Why can't I speak what my heart feels? Why does tears always do the job for me? It's so tiring.. There's literally nobody to turn to right now and I'm just really going crazy because I'm the worst mother fucker on earth to lose something to important and if I were to not blog about this I think I will really go crazy.. 

I... have been crying myself to sleep every night since I don't even remember when... I keep thinking so much about us and it just drives me fucking crazy knowing how happy blissful this guy made me feel afew months ago and yet nowadays we just really only tolerate each other.. I hate that it feels like it's coming to an end everytime we fight... I hate it so much. I feel so fucking sucky like I'm gonna lose this boy anytime... This boy makes me feel so many things I really never felt before and I can't even explain it in words.. It's horrible to feel this way... It's horrible to know that I've been feeling more horrible than happy... It's horrible to know when we fight no one ever gives in.. It's horrible to know how we always think we are giving into each other but we're just simply not.. 

I can very honestly I'd go all lengths for this man.. I hate the sun... I hate walking under the damn sun.. But because I was scared he would be hungry I went to hougang mall to get food for him. Sounds like it's so simple but this was what really happened. 

I took the bus from my place to his place thinking it would reach hougang mall first then his place. So I got off and I realized I was at his place and hougang mall was actually one or two stops further... So I walked to his place at the back but then I realized the fucking road blocked by a drainage.. So I had to walk another big round just to get out of the stupid place to get to the main road.. I was like "FUCK MAN I could've reached there in like 10min but it took me 30minutes to reach hougang mall. But I still got the food in the end and that was all that really mattered.. I just needed to get the food to him. 

Isn't this love..? Can he feel it? 

There was this once when I travelled all the way down to cck to find him at his camp.. From cck mrt I cabbed into his camp.. Finding the cab was hella hard work too.. But apparently the taxi driver lost his way.. So the meter was crazy high.. And when I met him he didn't even looked happy.. He was just angry that the taxi driver was being stupid. Like.... How come the taxi driver who's a stranger to him can piss him off so much? Instead of being happy to someone he claimed he loved, who travelled all the way down to his camp allllll the way from Changi which is at the other end of the world.....? So angry... I can never forget.. That look.. And I was so affected I didn't even know what am I supposed to feel about it.. So unappreciated.. 

Many times I try my best to wake up early on weekends so I can see him a little more because that's the only time I get to see him.. People know me knows I sleep till 12 or 1... Sometimes I risk my parents trust on me to stay over with him because just to spend more time together.... Yet he just keeps wanting more and more and somehow never really contented... I'm not complaining I just feel really unappreciated.. Things I do somehow to him maybe he feels like it's nothing because I've just been doing and doing.. Like when he's angry at me does he think of all those things I do for him before he flares at me...? 

So much effort I put into this relationship.. Honestly... I'm not willing to give it up but it's really draining me out.. 

Today I had our recital show.. Finally.. But I forgot to bring my make up bag back home.. And guess what..? I left our ring inside.... I'm probably gonna get scolded.. I'm also probably gonna have to deal with all the "I told you so" conversations and maybe he will even say hurtful things again.. But I really didn't mean to lose it... BUT I also know.. Just like people who've said sorry too many times, my sentence have no more meaning to it no matter how much I mean what I say... I immediately went into panic attack to find a way to get it back but I know deep in my heart it's lost forever and it breaks my heart so fucking bad you have no clue... 

I was hugging my bolster sobbing like a fucking baby because I had no idea what I can do and I realized it was wet and just filled with tears.. What should I do to let him know I really didn't mean to lose it.. I don't know.. I can't sleep.. It's 2.22am.. 😭😭😭 

I just wish bad things to stop happening for once to me.. Just for awhile let me have peace in my life.... 

I wished he was awake now.... Cuz I know there won't be time to text tomorrow and I just really wish I can talk to him.. Hais I'm so sorry I can't even I don't deserve to sleep!!!!!!!!!!! 

Knew it was too good to be true when I thought work was gonna get any better.... Now they're keeping our phones from 2 onwards.... I really can't do this. I hate my job I hate the people there... If I was earning maybe 1k more I'd consider handling their shit. But fuck this shit is not worth.... 

hais... Will really use my weekend to plan my next few months... If someone will really accept me as a instructor I'll take it and leave this hell... I'd really rather be stressing on dance steps at least there's music there's my phone and someone's learning sth from me :'(

Really need a getaway. Reallyyyyyy T_T 

Wish I was a positive person. Wish I was full of light and full of happiness despite all the bad things going on. Why can't I see the good in things like I see the good in people? Why is it that when it comes to me everything is just depressing but when it comes to other people I always see that theres always hope for them? Give me a reason to carry on.. Give me an event to look forward to.. I hate that I'm always self pitying myself. I'm not saying I have the suckiest life. I'm just saying I hate to live like a robot. I don't want to do this anymore. 

I don't want to grow up.... :'( In a few weeks I'll be 20.... No longer a teen anymore.. I don't want... Let me be young forever.. I haven't lived.. 

I miss all my friends. I miss days when I step into sch and I see all 6 of them... I miss those days so much... Can time just freaking rewind.. 

Why have I become like this.. Last year I lost myself amidst of all the bullshit that has happened. This year I lost my direction in life. Basically I'm still lost.. I Like many times I'm just speechless with myself.. There's nothing much I wish to say because there's seriously no point in telling anyone.. There's no use. No one can take this shit away. No one can bring me away from this hellhole. No one can make me feel like all this is nothing. 

Mahve one day all will fall into place.. I don't know when.. Maybe one day.. Sigh. 

I wish for a day of magic. A day of just surprises that i'd never expect.. I just wish for more life. I want to get out of town.... I want a holiday -cries- I want to eat waffles and ice cream and take cafe photos with my bf. I want to walk around town looking good and confident as hell. TAKE ME OUTTTTT

-crieeeeees- 

Update: I'm sick, furreal. Guess this is karma for taking mc when I'm not even sick. Oh wells.

Yesterday was my day of realization. I was sleeping last night with him and it felt so good I just didn't wanna wake up... But I had to because I had to go home.. :'( And it made me really sad. So it's the beginning of July which is supposedly my second favourite month (first is December if you don't already know). But when I come to think of events that are going to happen within the next few months, I'm just really not looking forward to it. 

Baby's gonna start his JCC course yet again... Because he gave it up for his wisdom tooth in the beginning of the year. he's now doing it again.. Gosh :( It's gonna be 3 tough months.... And 9 long days without him not even texting... I remember those days when he booked out all he could do was sleep because he was just that tired... Literally history gonna repeat again. 

He'd be missing out on my graduation ceremony which I won't deny that I'm sad about... I mean it's nth much I'm just gonna get a cert but it's like an event I wish my boyfriend/future husband(for his case) could witness.. Kinda saddening...

I mean he's gonna miss my birthday too no doubt but I guess it's okay... Since I don't even do much on birthdays and like he's gonna be with me every year (I HOPE). But yeah.... :( Sad 

Then right after he finishes he course he's gonna go Australia for 3 weeks of training... I'm spending my October alone yet again.... Second year guys. You can go archives and read 2014's October... Same thing different place... It's gonna be so torturing I don't even know how I'm gonna survive. Honestly I wasn't even that in love with him when he went Germany. I told myself if I could survive that 3 weeks without him and still stay in contact with him (without straying away to other guys), he's the one. I made it...  

By this year October it would've been exactly a year since he went Germany and like, I can't explain this.... I just can't bear to see him go for 3 weeks.. I just remember how torturing it was last year makes me really wanna cry. It was so bad I had no motivation for sch no motivation for anything I just wanted to stay in bed so time would fly and he'd be back. And that was when we weren't even together yet.... I can't imagine now.. :'( 

It's gonna be 4 long torturing months from now till then... He keeps telling me how he's gonna have lots of free time after that but what's the use.... I still wouldn't be free.. Sometimes he doesn't get how some things must be done there and then. Like today, almost died at work because I had fever and like fuck I was feeling so cold and my nose just kept running and the workload was soooo much. And he told me "When I'm out I will sayang you ok" When you're out I'll be fine already. If the hug was given me there and then, it'd be 10 times more meaningful than when he came out... I know it's kinda hard to understand but IM SURE MY FRIENDS UNDERSTAND ME AND KNOWS WHAT IM SAYING. Although I know it's impossible but yeah, a girl can wish.. 

It's been so long since i last cried over him booking in... It's coming back to me all over again. I'm controlling.. I just don't wanna think about it but it's hard. Ahhhhhhh what should I do how can I survive