난 너무 피곤해요.. 

I really wonder how my life will end up in 10 years time... I wonder if I'll really have a stable job.. I wonder if I'll really get married.. I wonder if I'll really get my own house.. I wonder if I'll really have a baby boy.. Everything suddenly seems so surreal.. Is everything really gonna happen in 3 years? It seems so long yet so short.. I really can't seem to picture it at all and that saddens me... 

Why's the world so realistic..? True enough it's not for me to think about honestly. I should be just sitting here waiting for the guy to propose to me. Why am I thinking so much? Why are they making me think so much? I might as well be the guy right

Whole day just really very absentminded.. No one will ever be able to understand me. Not him, not them, not even myself. Only writing helps me relieve a little of this stress away. Only writing lets me know what I'm thinking about.. Only writing organized my very very messy mind that no one believes.. 

Does no one get that I understand that everyone has their own set of problems? Does no one get that everyone needs a certain someone to tell their problems to? Am I a burden to that someone when I choose them to tell? I guess so. Yes I get that they say I just throw all my anger out at them. That's because a certain situation is affecting me a lot and I've been controlling and keeping it in and being as poker face as I can, hence the blow up. But no the world very realistic one. Even your parents even the person who claims he loves you, will say no I am not gonna take your shit because no one deserves it. Then someone tell me why I am able to do it? Why am I able to take everyone else's shit?????? Yet no one can ever just let me be who I want to be even if it's just me screaming? Sometimes I really just want to scream and scream and scream. Sometimes i really really am drowning and I really need help knowing no ones there to save me but myself. I just need to relief a little of that pain somewhere and I will feel better. But instead no one lets me do it. I totally forgot I could write down my thoughts. I totally forgot I had a blog that I used to write everyday. 

"You've got a bad character and I don't know you know but you really need to change. When you're out, you don't know how to come home. No matter where you are you will always never want to leave." 

Because like yesterday, I don't know when will the next time be or if there is a next time... I always feel like everything will end sooner or later and I hate it. I hate it so fucking much. Yesterday when he walked out of my door was the worst feeling ever. I hate it! Why did he had to leave? It's so hard to be understanding and feel good about it all at the same time. I can say it's almost impossible. Time fucking sucks. Why can't I freeze time? Why?! 

I have no courage nor strength to say the things I want to say. I have no courage at all and honestly even to dylan right now I feel horrible. It's the second time I've heard him say that he's tired of talking to me. It hurts. But what can I do it's my fault.. I love him so much but I really don't know how to show. When we fight he matters more than the fight. But I just can't seem to let it go. Not because of my pride. I can honestly say it's not because of pride nor ego... It's just pure courage. I have no courage to go up to him and patch the situation up. I choose to run away because I'm scared. 

Then I ask myself so many times. How did I find someone who genuinely love me? I've been searching for this one guy who genuinely loves me my entire life. And now that he has appeared, even after 9 months it still seems so surreal.. "If you can't love yourself you can't love someone else." I guess this is true.. Many times I just feel I've been giving nothing but pure negativity and pure insecurity to this guy. Instead of giving him energy I'm sucking the life out of him and vice versa. I know I can never ever find someone like him ever again.. And I'll never want to give him up even if times get rough.. :'( But I hate times when I can't see any light in front of me.. It scares me.. What will our fate be? My head hurts.. 진짜 머리 너무 아파.. 

My hearts always bleeding when my dad always mentions that his time is controlled by the army.. I'm really sad. I'm trying so hard not to show but there are days where I really full out cannot keep it in anymore. Just like now. So far away from me. I'm hugging my bolster instead of him all the time.. Sobs 

I'll stop here. Have so much more to say but my head hurts..