Here without you

*cries* 

Hate lonely nights. Every night is a lonely night. Every weekend without him is a lonely day. I enjoy peace and quiet but everytime when it reaches a certain hour I'll feel a little too lonely. Hence the tears. 

This is mother fucking torturing. My head hurts. Everyday just living in hopes I'd get a surprise text, but to no avail. :'( I can't do long distance. I really can't. I want him to come back this instant. No one will fucking understand this i swear. 

Can time just pass faster? I really hate this. I hate this so much. I don't know why I can't help but keep this from him. He probably knows I'm sad but he doesn't know I'm really going crazy every night. Mental breakdown seriously. Makes me think why can't I have someone who stays stable and available for me as and when I want.. I know there are lots of plus and minus points to everything and I can't compare.. But yeah I just can't help it. 

It sucks even more when we have this little time with each other and yet we can still fight and quarrel over the littlest things. And it's not because I don't want to choose to let it go. 我过不了我自己. I sometimes think why such a small matter can make him so mad and fight about it. 

I read this article where it says "Fall in love with the guy who loves you more" Honestly I feel like he matches every point except one which is the main problem in our relationship right now. 

"When things are bad with him, he will fight back. He will not be patient, he will not soothe you. The other man will be infuriating. He will be selfish, careless with his words and at times even cruel. He will try to inflict as much pain on you as he himself is feeling." 

I can't understand why he always has to fight back with me.. I can't understand why when things are on heat and when I've already cooled down and have became sad more than angry he chooses to make it worse by adding oil to the fire. 

Honestly I've been very bugged by our past few fights... I can't get over it.. It's still lingering in my head because it's never been solved.. 

Why does he say sorry if he doesn't mean it..? Sorrys have became insincere.. It doesn't mean anything anymore. Why does he say sorry just because he wants to end a fight..? Does he know why I'm feeling a certain way? 

I remember the one time when I told him the cause of the fight was due to the fact that he was so childish and said "whatever" to me when I was talking halfway.. Instead of solving the problem he just chose to reply me "alright then whatever." I felt so hurt. Even now as I'm typing this I still feel hurt. 

I asked my brother about this. Fine I admit sometimes my tone of voice makes people infuriated too. I apologize for that. But really am I so hard to understand? Why doesn't he get me? It makes me question myself sometimes if we're actually right for each other.. Because the right people just get each other. Spencer told me this "I would know whether Demi is alright though. Like there's a difference when you really know something is up or if she's okay. If she's okay and you keep asking then Pek is comprehensible but I never fail before. Like my detection of whether she's okay so far quite accurate" 

He's not accurate. When I'm totally breaking down he totally had no idea. And when I'm actually semi alright or just really pretty much feeling nothing he thinks something's up and then here goes a fight if I actually am on the more moody side... 

Hurts me to know someone just doesn't get me..... Hurts to know that person is my boyfriend.. He's supposed to be knowing me bit by bit day by day.. Is he..? I don't know.

He once told me "yeah you only know how to think of the bad side and not the good." I honestly don't care about our good times. Because anyone can be happy when times are good... Anyone can get through the good times.. I care about how he choose to deal with the bad times.. Time and time again he fails my test.. And it hurts. He says I don't communicate much about things but even when I do, things somehow still don't change. 

I have so many questions to myself honestly.. It really sucks to put in a possibility that he might not be my future. I do not wish that to be my option because I've put in so much effort and time on him.. I'm just afraid of what this will turn out. 

Every single minute with him to me is precious. Becuz I treasure every moment.. Maybe I'm still in the honeymoon phase maybe I'm stuck there maybe it's just my personality I don't know. But my priority will always be him.. Tell me I'm stuck in my own world. Whatever it is. If I know I only have this much of time to talk to him I will use it all up and sleep is not important.. Regardless of what activity I have the next day I will still prioritize him over anything..... 

To him he doesn't get that there's a possibility that we might not live till tomorrow. There's a possibility that we might not see each other again... I've always had that in mind.. I just want to cherish every moment I have with him because he's that precious to me.. How many people have came into my life and said they'd stay still ended up leaving me... It's really too pain for my heart.. 

I think about everything even death... He smokes. If he leaves the world before me what will I become..? I'm not cursing him but it's reality.. The amount he smokes in the past.. I wouldn't be surprised if his lungs are in an unhealthy condition right now.. I don't know whether he understands what I'm thinking. He probably doesn't.. There was this one time he and his friends were talking about a specific job in the army that has high risks of dying because it has to do with bombs... He said it like money was way more important than his own life.. I wonder if he even thought of me when he said that..? Let's say if we were to really get married, is he seriously gonna take up a job that's so risky just for the money? How about me? How about the family if we had one....? I love him I don't want him to die. Even if we break up one day I still want him to live properly.. I still want him to lead a good life.. :'( Even if we break up I am god damn sure I'll still love him in my heart.. 

Sometimes there are many reasons to why things doesn't work out. Falling out of love would be out of the question in my case.. Because I love him too much.. When I think through I really feel like this relationship hurts me way more than I expected.. How did it turn out this way? 

Hais lonely nights leads to many thoughts. Many self reflection.... Don't know. Someone get me out of this state. I'm tired.