I can't even comprehend how I feel for 2015. Literally. Every year I'm like "this year sucked balls." but the following year is no better. Rather, it gets worse. I'll explain everything in this post. Relationship, Money, Family, Studies, Life.
Studies
I've done really badly for my last semester of my third year in LASALLE. Up till now I still feel really thoroughly awful. I can't forget the moments I wish to rewind. There were truly many moments. I destroyed my own so called future because I destroyed my own reputation. There could be 3 out of 5 days in a week that I either skip the first class or I just literally skip the whole morning. I'd come out with so many excuses just because I felt like I'm just so unmotivated and felt like the class was so useless for me. Even on show day I skipped my light plot and got caught by my teacher. I never would've thought I'd be one of the people in my class to do such a thing.. To the extent that the people who were close to me just gave up on me. Sometimes treat like I'm not even there. It was really a horrible semester for me... So horrible.. I really should've taken my last semester more seriously sigh..
I did felt kinda happy when I graduated because it was really really tiring and torturing for me. Mentally, physically and emotionally. Due to many factors that other people don't know about. But as we all know happiness doesn't last. As soon as I graduated, my mom and dad started pouring future questions to me. What am I gonna do next, am I gonna work or study etc. I told them I just wanted to take a year gap. I'll re apply for arts management next year. From now till then I'll work and maybe just find myself along the way. That's the original plan. But things changed so much throughout the year. I was just working all the way and just got so annoyed with work. The people there killed me so bad. Moving on to Money.
Money
So my parents stopped giving me allowance ever since I stopped schooling. Obviously I had to find a job. I found one that paid me 1.7 for an admin job. Of course as clueless as I am I just took it because to me 1.7 is quite a lot for a "part time" job. It was a full time job but to me it was not a permanent thing so I called it part time. But because it was full time, it took up my Mondays to fridays and I had no say if I had to OT that day. Hence my life was given to Standard Chartered. I was happy with my pay, but so so sooooo unhappy with the people I had to deal with 5 days in a row for 6 months. Month after month I wanted to quit, but because of the pay I stayed. Because where else can I get 1.7 per month, and not eating up my weekend?! Nowhere... I had so much money troubles. I had to give my parents money if not they'll say I am no filial. I had to make sure I don't spend more than 50 per week so I got enough money to like go dance classes etc. I had to make sure I saved the amount I am supposed to save that month or else I'll freak out. Basically if I have no savings with me and I know my parents aren't gonna give me money, I feel damn insecure. So yeah.. I stuck throughout the 6 months but I gave the last month up. Couldn't tolerate them no more and I had run out of my leave/mcs.... So I just quit.
Family&Relationship
Ever since I got attached, me and my parents have been in a very very terrible situation. Not only because I was attached, also because I had no goal in life and I was practically failing in school.
You know they say you need to trust your instincts because once you feel something there's a 80% chance whatever you're feeling is right. So yeah. Even before I told them I was dating my boyfriend I knew that they would have some sort of bad judgement towards him. I explained how come I chose him and I told them even though he had a bad past, it's all in the past and the current him is so much better. But when I told my parents that, me and Dylan were only in our 3th month of dating and only a few days after we were attached. That's the biggest mistake I've made in my life; introducing him too damn early into the family. I was naive to think I knew Dylan well enough to claim we would be stable. Throughout this entire one year my family has been telling me so many warnings that I chose to ignore. Because I just think I could handle whatever that was gonna come to me and me and my boyfriend would conquer it together. It turned out to be so wrong..
Me and Dylan had way more fights than happy moments on and off. Our fights just kept happening and the reasons were always the same. We just didn't understand where each other was coming from. We don't understand each other's personalities and we don't know why each other is behaving the way they behave. I have my perspective of how a good guy should react when we quarrel. He has his perspective too. After every quarrel we promise to make things better and hopefully if we fight again it'll be better. NOPE. It got worse after every fight. It was so torturing to know the guy I wanted to spend the rest of my life is suddenly might not make it to my future. How could I be living with someone who picks up small fights with me every now and then, gets agitated when I'm trying to talk things out, shuts up when he is supposed to voice out how he's feeling? I was literally going crazy and totally walking into depression. At that point of time I thought only my Taiwan trip with him could resolve the problems within us throughout the entire year. However I was a little bit hesitant about the trip too. What if we fight again? Is he gonna walk out on me? Is he gonna scold me in public? Is he gonna shout even louder at me when I'm having my anxiety attacks? It was so scary for me. Though I still thought it would be a pleasant experience to travel with someone I love. But with so many things happening I didn't know.
My parents made the decision to stop us from going to Taiwan. That has definitely caused a huge hoo-haa between me and Dylan. It took me quite some time to digest why my parents did what they did. And I fought big time with my mother from that day onwards. I was always a person to wanna prove whatever they say wrong. However this time I couldn't. Because whatever they told me about Dylan were all right. Because I experienced it myself first hand, I had nothing else to say. I took it as my parents rejected Dylan as my boyfriend. It wasn't helping me at all. I was giving up on the relationship but I still wanted us to work out. I told myself if i try hard enough he will get where I am coming from. Everyday I'm trying to find ways to make him understand why we're fighting almost every other day. But it still just doesn't work. Without my parents support it was just like a big blow to me. They talked to me about it first and then talked to Dylan after. Obviously Dylan took it the wrong way too, just like me he thought they rejected him as my boyfriend. He thought all his efforts in this relationship has gone to waste. He was just literally seeing all the bad side of things and how they will never ever accept him into the family.
We almost broke up that very day and I got so so so emotional. It was the most dramatic almost break up ever. It was raining so heavily and we were stuck under a huge shelter. It was almost like I was begging him to stay. At that point of time I just felt like the love he had for me was not even there. Because how can he give up so easily on us when all I did was just kept holding on regardless of how I felt towards the relationship? How can he just say we end it here because he THINKS my parents reject him as boyfriend? I just wonder and wonder why is his character so weak. Why couldn't he just buck up and face my parents and just prove to them he is not what he is in my parents eyes. I learnt one sentence from Miss Melissa and it is really true. "You think you're trying very hard and you think you're putting in a lot of effort, but sadly it is not enough and it does not show." That was exactly how I felt. He kept on telling me he put in a lot of effort in trying to salvage the relationship, yet we kept on fighting over the same things and this relationship was literally going nowhere.
It was a very very tiring day for me. Eventually I got him to stay. After 2 almost break ups drama in one damn day. He kept saying "I love you. But your parents caused this." No. No one can ever cause anything. Decisions are made by you. If you choose to leave me, you caused it. Not them. If you think they're the reason, you're just weak because you cannot accept what they're telling you. I felt like my decision to love you was right, regardless of how many people told me I was stupid because of how you handled the bad situations. But I know one day we will work things out. I just know it.
Who knew the saviour of our relationship turned out to be my father.. After everything simmered down by a bit, my father decided to talk things out to Dylan. And suddenly from that day on everything changed.
He was no longer fighting with me over the smallest things. He was always trying to understand from my point of view instead of just thinking he's right. He stopped taking me for granted. He stopped taking the time he have with me for granted. I never say I don't play a part in how he treated me in the past. I apologise for always making situations like he's only the one at fault. I am at fault too because I handled all those situations badly. Always making him feel so flawed when I'm supposed to be accepting it.
Dylan was the main reason why me and my family are so far apart in 2015. The only thing that could solve my problem was that both parties attempt to try and like each other.. Me as the middle person would feel so much easier with so many things. So yea things were finally going my way. My dad is finally comfortable with Dylan after the whole Taiwan drama thingy. It is a blessing in disguise really. I loved all the things that have happened between me and Dylan after my parents rejected my taiwan trip with him. I feel so much more loved by him in this few weeks compared to the past few months that we've been together. Because now there's so much more understanding towards each other. There's so much more love and happiness towards each other instead of just harping on the negatives and the bad moments. I feel more secure knowing even if we quarrel, we would understand how we got to that point and also knowing he wants to know how I feel.
I am very happy with where I am at with my boyfriend today. And this I have to thank my father for it. Currently, me and my parents are also on good terms already. Suddenly everything just fell into place. And I feel so happy about it.
The next thing that I need to really focus on, is where I need to go in life. I've applied for James Cook Uni in 2016. I just really sincerely hope they will accept me in. Because as much as I hate studying, I really have the interest in knowing behavioural patterns etc. I just have so much interest in psychology. I don't even know why. Like no matter how many people tell me how tough it is, I just feel like I will be able to understand it because I just am pretty more observant when it comes to personalities and people. I'm excited to learn more about it but that can only happen if they freaking accept me!!!!!! Waiting period is only 1 week but it's so damn scary at the same time. Please just accept me in :'(
2016 didn't start that well but I wouldn't say it's bad either. I had a scary pregnancy scare because my period was late for 6 days. Also I've had high fever on the 2 very special occasions; Christmas and New Years. But now all's good. Because finally some reds are flowing out of me, and my fever has subsided...
I thank god for giving me such a strong leap of faith in holding on to my relationship. I know we'll work out. I just know I am willing to walk down this path with him. We may have a 4 year age gap but as long as we have the faith, we will find a way to work our future out together. I'm excited for what's to come. Also thankful for the closest people to my heart for still staying so true to themselves <3
Happy New year :)
Money
So my parents stopped giving me allowance ever since I stopped schooling. Obviously I had to find a job. I found one that paid me 1.7 for an admin job. Of course as clueless as I am I just took it because to me 1.7 is quite a lot for a "part time" job. It was a full time job but to me it was not a permanent thing so I called it part time. But because it was full time, it took up my Mondays to fridays and I had no say if I had to OT that day. Hence my life was given to Standard Chartered. I was happy with my pay, but so so sooooo unhappy with the people I had to deal with 5 days in a row for 6 months. Month after month I wanted to quit, but because of the pay I stayed. Because where else can I get 1.7 per month, and not eating up my weekend?! Nowhere... I had so much money troubles. I had to give my parents money if not they'll say I am no filial. I had to make sure I don't spend more than 50 per week so I got enough money to like go dance classes etc. I had to make sure I saved the amount I am supposed to save that month or else I'll freak out. Basically if I have no savings with me and I know my parents aren't gonna give me money, I feel damn insecure. So yeah.. I stuck throughout the 6 months but I gave the last month up. Couldn't tolerate them no more and I had run out of my leave/mcs.... So I just quit.
Family&Relationship
Ever since I got attached, me and my parents have been in a very very terrible situation. Not only because I was attached, also because I had no goal in life and I was practically failing in school.
You know they say you need to trust your instincts because once you feel something there's a 80% chance whatever you're feeling is right. So yeah. Even before I told them I was dating my boyfriend I knew that they would have some sort of bad judgement towards him. I explained how come I chose him and I told them even though he had a bad past, it's all in the past and the current him is so much better. But when I told my parents that, me and Dylan were only in our 3th month of dating and only a few days after we were attached. That's the biggest mistake I've made in my life; introducing him too damn early into the family. I was naive to think I knew Dylan well enough to claim we would be stable. Throughout this entire one year my family has been telling me so many warnings that I chose to ignore. Because I just think I could handle whatever that was gonna come to me and me and my boyfriend would conquer it together. It turned out to be so wrong..
Me and Dylan had way more fights than happy moments on and off. Our fights just kept happening and the reasons were always the same. We just didn't understand where each other was coming from. We don't understand each other's personalities and we don't know why each other is behaving the way they behave. I have my perspective of how a good guy should react when we quarrel. He has his perspective too. After every quarrel we promise to make things better and hopefully if we fight again it'll be better. NOPE. It got worse after every fight. It was so torturing to know the guy I wanted to spend the rest of my life is suddenly might not make it to my future. How could I be living with someone who picks up small fights with me every now and then, gets agitated when I'm trying to talk things out, shuts up when he is supposed to voice out how he's feeling? I was literally going crazy and totally walking into depression. At that point of time I thought only my Taiwan trip with him could resolve the problems within us throughout the entire year. However I was a little bit hesitant about the trip too. What if we fight again? Is he gonna walk out on me? Is he gonna scold me in public? Is he gonna shout even louder at me when I'm having my anxiety attacks? It was so scary for me. Though I still thought it would be a pleasant experience to travel with someone I love. But with so many things happening I didn't know.
My parents made the decision to stop us from going to Taiwan. That has definitely caused a huge hoo-haa between me and Dylan. It took me quite some time to digest why my parents did what they did. And I fought big time with my mother from that day onwards. I was always a person to wanna prove whatever they say wrong. However this time I couldn't. Because whatever they told me about Dylan were all right. Because I experienced it myself first hand, I had nothing else to say. I took it as my parents rejected Dylan as my boyfriend. It wasn't helping me at all. I was giving up on the relationship but I still wanted us to work out. I told myself if i try hard enough he will get where I am coming from. Everyday I'm trying to find ways to make him understand why we're fighting almost every other day. But it still just doesn't work. Without my parents support it was just like a big blow to me. They talked to me about it first and then talked to Dylan after. Obviously Dylan took it the wrong way too, just like me he thought they rejected him as my boyfriend. He thought all his efforts in this relationship has gone to waste. He was just literally seeing all the bad side of things and how they will never ever accept him into the family.
We almost broke up that very day and I got so so so emotional. It was the most dramatic almost break up ever. It was raining so heavily and we were stuck under a huge shelter. It was almost like I was begging him to stay. At that point of time I just felt like the love he had for me was not even there. Because how can he give up so easily on us when all I did was just kept holding on regardless of how I felt towards the relationship? How can he just say we end it here because he THINKS my parents reject him as boyfriend? I just wonder and wonder why is his character so weak. Why couldn't he just buck up and face my parents and just prove to them he is not what he is in my parents eyes. I learnt one sentence from Miss Melissa and it is really true. "You think you're trying very hard and you think you're putting in a lot of effort, but sadly it is not enough and it does not show." That was exactly how I felt. He kept on telling me he put in a lot of effort in trying to salvage the relationship, yet we kept on fighting over the same things and this relationship was literally going nowhere.
It was a very very tiring day for me. Eventually I got him to stay. After 2 almost break ups drama in one damn day. He kept saying "I love you. But your parents caused this." No. No one can ever cause anything. Decisions are made by you. If you choose to leave me, you caused it. Not them. If you think they're the reason, you're just weak because you cannot accept what they're telling you. I felt like my decision to love you was right, regardless of how many people told me I was stupid because of how you handled the bad situations. But I know one day we will work things out. I just know it.
Who knew the saviour of our relationship turned out to be my father.. After everything simmered down by a bit, my father decided to talk things out to Dylan. And suddenly from that day on everything changed.
He was no longer fighting with me over the smallest things. He was always trying to understand from my point of view instead of just thinking he's right. He stopped taking me for granted. He stopped taking the time he have with me for granted. I never say I don't play a part in how he treated me in the past. I apologise for always making situations like he's only the one at fault. I am at fault too because I handled all those situations badly. Always making him feel so flawed when I'm supposed to be accepting it.
Dylan was the main reason why me and my family are so far apart in 2015. The only thing that could solve my problem was that both parties attempt to try and like each other.. Me as the middle person would feel so much easier with so many things. So yea things were finally going my way. My dad is finally comfortable with Dylan after the whole Taiwan drama thingy. It is a blessing in disguise really. I loved all the things that have happened between me and Dylan after my parents rejected my taiwan trip with him. I feel so much more loved by him in this few weeks compared to the past few months that we've been together. Because now there's so much more understanding towards each other. There's so much more love and happiness towards each other instead of just harping on the negatives and the bad moments. I feel more secure knowing even if we quarrel, we would understand how we got to that point and also knowing he wants to know how I feel.
I am very happy with where I am at with my boyfriend today. And this I have to thank my father for it. Currently, me and my parents are also on good terms already. Suddenly everything just fell into place. And I feel so happy about it.
The next thing that I need to really focus on, is where I need to go in life. I've applied for James Cook Uni in 2016. I just really sincerely hope they will accept me in. Because as much as I hate studying, I really have the interest in knowing behavioural patterns etc. I just have so much interest in psychology. I don't even know why. Like no matter how many people tell me how tough it is, I just feel like I will be able to understand it because I just am pretty more observant when it comes to personalities and people. I'm excited to learn more about it but that can only happen if they freaking accept me!!!!!! Waiting period is only 1 week but it's so damn scary at the same time. Please just accept me in :'(
2016 didn't start that well but I wouldn't say it's bad either. I had a scary pregnancy scare because my period was late for 6 days. Also I've had high fever on the 2 very special occasions; Christmas and New Years. But now all's good. Because finally some reds are flowing out of me, and my fever has subsided...
I thank god for giving me such a strong leap of faith in holding on to my relationship. I know we'll work out. I just know I am willing to walk down this path with him. We may have a 4 year age gap but as long as we have the faith, we will find a way to work our future out together. I'm excited for what's to come. Also thankful for the closest people to my heart for still staying so true to themselves <3
Happy New year :)
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