After reading many long mushy dedications people write to their other halves, I have decided that in year 2016, I shall NOT do such stuff on my social media and make people vomit. I feel disgusted. LOL never thought that day would come from me, because I love writing long dedications and showing off how I really feel on my social media. I guess not anymore. And I don't consider my blog social media because barely anyone reads it and if you do, I DID NOT PROMOTE MYSELF. So yea. (Though I'm kinda really jealous when those boyfriends who're in camp and they still make an effort to write love letters to their girlfriends.................... wheres mine................)

I really miss dancing so much... I really need to resume dancing asap... I lost all my self confidence I guess also because I've stopped dancing for so long. I miss my dancer friends... I miss walking around ANYWHERE on the streets and just dancing around and not feeling like it's abnormal... I MISS IT. Kinda wished it was still my daily routine. Argh why can't life be balanced :(

Dylan finally booking in. Feeling so bitter about it. Its so crazy seriously. I spent almost 20 days with him straight and actually I feel like its too much to see each other everyday. But then when it's time for him to leave and go back to our daily lives with him booking in every Sunday, it simply just makes me feel bitter. :'( 

How should I deal with this man honestly. 

Every couple has their own individual lives to deal with, problems and all. I do agree there are many moments I wanna punch him in da face cuz he's so annoying but when I think back all i wanna do is squish him like a marshmallow. It's the moments away from him that makes me realise how much of a darling he is to me. It's been 1 year 1 month and if I include dating months it'd be 1 year 4 months. In this 16 months I always felt like if one day you left me I'd be so fucking sad I can't even continue my life, as exaggerating as that sounds. Maybe it's just me, maybe because I notice you too much, but I think about all sorts of possibilities.

The thought of you embracing another girl, loving another girl, or just showering your care and concern towards another girl makes me really sick. Just the thought of it. Everytime I have that picture in mind I cannot help but think what if the day really comes? I'm so afraid. Loving someone is by choice. Whether they choose to give up is by choice. I really hope you'll choose me everyday of your life. Regardless of how much you feel like killing me, how much bullshit I give to you and vice versa, we'll continue loving each other, continue choosing each other everyday. 

I slept yesterday with a really horrible dream. Up till now I'm still figuring why I even had that dream in the first place.. (ARGH I WANNA STUDY DREAMS PLEASE ACCEPT ME JAMES COOK UNIVERSITY) 

I dreamt that while I was trying to be happy celebrating my 21st birthday, I was saddened by the fact that I am gonna go overseas to study for 3 fucking years..... So many thoughts came into my mind. He told me he would wait for me. He told me we could video call. He told me a lot of things but those many things were really not enough to make me leave without worrying... 

I think about how he'd spend his weekends without me after booking out. I think about how other girls might attract him in the 3 years I'm away. I think about how he might not control when he drinks. 

Many says sex is not love. But even so I don't want my guy to just have sex with some other girl just to release. And then again I'm being selfish. Because I know scientifically it is human nature to wanna release and not just you know..... Masturbate all the time. I know myself I couldn't do long distance relationship. Not because I couldn't be loyal. But because if I were to have a long distance relationship I wouldn't be able to concentrate in anything that I do. I'd be worrying and being paranoid over so many unnecessary things.. It is indeed unhealthy. Only because humans are wicked and horrible.... I have nothing literally nothing to make anyone stay because of me. I don't know how to handle a break up. Even more a long distance relationship. I can't even handle army sometimes. The attention I need from my boyfriend is so much sometimes I myself find myself too overwhelming. Yet he accepts it graciously, sometimes scolds me but still loves me and tells me it's okay. 

Sobs I was crying hysterically in my dreams it woke me up cuz I choked. 

Then when I think about it now, maybe because I've been seeing him so much lately that i don't bare to part with him... Never in our 1 year 1 month relationship that we've seen each other for so many days. The most was probably less than a week... Like 5 days due to long holidays etc... This time it was 20 fucking days. This withdrawal symptom is real..

My parents will never understand this feeling I have towards him. I know he may not be financially stable right now. But it doesn't mean in the future he wouldn't be stable. Maybe I'm a little stupid to give people many chances considering the shit we've been through but I think right now we're so much better. I just know we will work out. I just know he'll be able to love me and he'll be able to work things out as soon as his obstacles are cleared. I'm not blinded by love. I choose to love him for him. I know the road is tough... But I just want him I really don't want anyone else in my life. Thank you for still choosing me even up till now.

Up till now I'm still trying to understand him. Everyday I'm slowly figuring out how he's like. This will never end. Because the day we stop trying to understand where each other's coming from, that's the day our relationship will start to fall apart again. I love my mr ong and i'll always love him till the end of time!!!!!!