NOOOOOOOO I wanna talk to someone right now..... It's fucking almost 3am in the morning who the fuck can I talk to omg cries. I don't know how's tomorrow morning gonna turn out. Fuck my life is he gonna scold me is he gonna get angry is it wrong for me to feel this way???? It's so long ago but I can't believe I just found out?

It's not about thinking that he did something wrong. I still trust he wouldn't do such a thing to me cuz I just know he wouldn't..... It's about how I trusted him and yet....???? Oh my god i had NO IDEA AT ALL....??? Oh my god I know I've done my fair share of hiding something... I feel so tortured by it but I'm trying my best to be the best I can. And even when I hide that it was because I felt ashamed of it and that made me realise what kind of people out there and how he is not like this. So a blessing in disguise, it made me love him even more.... I was actually glad he found out because after that I HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE ANYMORE AND I FELT SO RELIEVED. I'm saying this now because I'm so stressed he'll use this incident to shoot me YET AGAIN..... But really I've only done wrong once.... And i apologised for so many times and I just feel this incident shouldn't be an excuse to cover up his mistakes.. Someone please PLEASE PREDICT WHAT IS GONNA HAPPEN TMR MORNING I'M NOT PREPARED TO QUARREL :'( I just need an explanation....

I remembered how tortured I was at Stand chart because it was my first week of work and yet he chose to go Bang bang omg please save me I CAN'T

Omg i fucking hate night times what the fuck I am fucking alone right now thinking of so many shits and it's just hella polluting my god damn mind and all I can think of is "No i still fucking love him I just need an explanation." I feel like I just got myself in trouble by sending him what I sent. I don't even know.

I can't believe I found this out on our monthsary you gottaaaaa be kidding me I'm so stressed right now I can't sleep NOOOOOOO :'( WHAT IF HE FLARES AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO SAY YET AGAIN SOBS THIS IS SO BAD

I'm really trying to be the best I can.... I know that's the past already. I'm gonna let it go..  Just gonna wish for an explanation and "you know already you will be angry" is not an excuse...

Reading super duper old messages like from when we first knew each other at this timing is making me so emotional.. How did I managed to not be so clingy in the past? I feel so weak now. Is it a bad thing.... :'( I can't believe I'm willing to give up my world for this guy right now... I just don't know if he's willing to do the same.. Would he be willing to break down his walls for me...?

Does he know how much I really truly changed after I got attached? My world has always been revolving around him and its a choice I made.. I chose to prioritise him above anything else. I don't wish to go places he would feel insecure about. If i wanted to party I would wanna go with him so he wouldn't feel scared. I know I just want him and I would never do anything to make him feel scared or insecure about the relationship...

How come right now I feel so powerless? I can't believe this...

I'm like upset at the whole situation and yet? I miss him? I'm so thankful tomorrow is book out day...?  But I deserve to know the truth and only the truth.... Don't i...? That's the least I ask from someone I truly care about... To not hide anything from me.. It's really all I need to be secure...

This whole damn post has no link at all cuz I've literally just been typing what I'm feeling since 2 plus till now which is almost 5am and I just still can't sleep. So yes fuck it who gives a shit about a well written post and this is how messy my head actually is.

I think i should head to bed..