Random long talks with Amanda and it got me reminded of something and it's just making feel kinda like meh. And somehow I don't feel like bringing up this topic anymore because it's been brought up so many times I feel so old and naggy already. He's gonna repel against me, if I continue on, sigh. Sometimes I think why is this even a problem in the first place. If only ciggarettes didn't exist.
I don't have a problem with smokers. But I kinda do when it comes to someone dear to me. If he continues smoking, next time if we have a child, he or she is gonna think it's okay to smoke because daddy does so. I don't want my child to grow up in such an environment.
Nowadays he says he'll smoke only when he's stressed or angry... That's like almost most of the time actually lmao.. I really don't know how he's like in camp... A part of me don't wanna know and a part of me wishes he'd just be honest with me. He also uses the excuse that he's considered a social smoker now. Noooooooo you are not because you are once a heavy smoker so any stick you get it's heaven for you and you're supposed to NOT touch it at all... (That's if you even wanna quit I guess..) His tolerance for smoking has been so low recently I just blame myself for not being that much worth as compared to the past. And it sucks.
Then..... Another thing. "Only cigarette will cool me down. Only cigarette can make me feel better." The first time he told me this I was utterly hurt. Cuz I feel hella useless as a girlfriend. It was always my wish to make sure no matter how rebellious a guy is, I would be able to calm him down because of the love I give. It's totally not working on him. Worse is somehow I'm the one who makes him smoke. A fucking cigarette takes over a job a girlfriend is supposed to do. How am I supposed to feel about this?
The second time he told me I knew he was serious about it. Honestly that day I actually knew only cigarette could solve that situation.... And it's damn fucking sad? Becuz I'm fucking useless. Why can't I make him feel better instead I make him feel worse? The person who once said I was worth quit smoking for, is now smoking because I made him mad and no mood.
I can't get over it. Now everytime he's angry he's gonna smoke, to cool down. If not the situation will not get any better. It sucks to know this is how it is. I am kinda scared to ask him about this. At the same time I wish there was another way to it. Hais. Sometimes I wish I was a smoker. Then everyone's life would be so much easier.
Sigh I need help sobs
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