I am sooooooooo sore from all this workout yesterday and today. I'm literally dead now. Yesterday's body combat class really killed my back. Today's zumba class was really fun. I really love the music he used and I SWEAT SO MUCH. Doesn't matter if I look bit silly doing some of the step left step right movements hehe quite fun. Really enjoyed it.

My back's aching so bad holy shit. Not funny I feel like I'm back in LASALLE the old aunty that complains about her back literally everyday. I don't really know if it's permanently damaged or if it's just muscle ache. But howell this kinda always happens when I have intense workout. Hahahaha WHATEVER it's fun. Hopefully I can gain back a tiny bit of stamina and also be a tiny bit fitter. Just a bit...

Lately I've been contemplating on a lot of my life choices. So tired of life really. I don't see the need to like live for anyone at the moment. This worthless life like seriously needs to be ended. I have ALOT of due dates to meet for the next one month and then after that its just end of the semester exams to be completed only to get a month's break. I guess a month is pretty long compared to the rest of the 1-2 week breaks I'm gonna get after the next few semesters.....

I'm honestly pretty damn drained from feeling so much. The past like god knows how many weeks it has just been fights and quarrels and disappointment I can't even deal with it anymore. I literally have reached my limit and it's like I might just give up anytime. Literally.

I can love someone so much I can give my all I can give in so much. I don't know how but love conquers everything for me. But if it's not the same for the other party it's really so hard to go on. An article really speaks for me today. I'm in for deep talks not small talks. I want to know every part of you and I don't want any filters. Somehow it's just so damn hard and it makes me so doubtful of my choices recently.

1. A deep woman asks deep questions. A deep woman will probe further into your life and ask questions that you may not prepared to answer. Even on the first date, she will dig deeper and ask personal and philosophical questions – she will never enjoy a shallow conversation.

I don't like it when I try to open up a conversation and then get shut off. It's like what? Are you not capable of keeping up with me? It irritates me so much and makes me feel like I don't even wanna talk sometimes because you aren't able to answer my questions. 

2. A deep woman is honest. Too honest – often blunt. A deep woman takes her integrity seriously and one thing she believes in is honesty. If you ask her anything, she will tell you the truth and she expects the same from you.

I really CANNOT tolerate lies and dishonesty. One time is an honest mistake. Second and third any subsequent times are just a choice you made. It's very upsetting if in a relationship, we can't even be honest with each other. If that's the case it's really better to be separated, am I not right to say?

3. A deep woman wants a deep relationship. She wants long conversations about your life, she wants to hear stories about your past, she wants to understand your pain and she wants to add value to your life. She wants a real relationship that goes beyond going out and having fun.

I can't emphasise more on how important this is. If I can't make you grow as a person, I'm pretty much useless in your life and I probably don't belong there. For a relationship to work it takes a lot of conversations not only the daily "what you doing" "did you eat" "what's for dinner". Many times I don't feel reciprocated. I feel like I talk too much because he doesn't even talk about himself. Hence it's leading me to not talking about myself anymore. 

4. A deep woman is not afraid of intimacy. She is not afraid of getting closer or risking getting hurt in the process. She doesn’t think it will entrap her freedom or make her vulnerable. Her depth and intimacy go hand in hand and she will always cherish the beauty of intimacy in relationships.

I remember how afraid I was just opening up to people or trusting anyone because of how badly they've treated me in the past. But for you I choose to show you my weakest and literally ABSOLUTE weakest and yet many times I don't feel the same from you. After so long there's still this defence thing going on and this wall I can't seem to break down. It gets tiring after awhile. Really tiring. 

5. A deep woman sees through you. She can see who you really are and what makes you vulnerable. She is not the one to hold back from pointing out what she sees in you or how well she can read you. Even though it makes you uncomfortable, she wants you to know that she understands you and that you can be yourself around her.

This is probably something you'll never understand and probably just find it creepy. But it's a fact. Why go through so much hiding and lies when I already know how you act and how you behave when you're not telling the truth. Just be yourself. No one's judging you except yourself. You're your biggest enemy. No matter how much I say you can just be open with me, somehow I think this barrier can never be broken between us. I guess it's a really bad thing but if nothing can be done somehow this is gonna be a dead end. 

6. A deep woman is intense. She may be slightly intimidating because she brings intensity to everything she does. Her emotions are intense and so are her thoughts. She will never be indifferent about things that matter to her – not everyone is strong enough to handle her intensity.

Only because you're an important being in my life. Or else why should I even bother investing so much care, concern, feelings even. I can just leave you alone. Let you do whatever you like. It doesn't bother me because then I probably wouldn't see a future in us. 

7. A deep woman only knows how to love deeply. If you can’t love her deeply, she will walk away. She doesn’t know how to casually date someone she’s really into or be friends with someone she has feelings for. A deep woman knows when someone can’t meet her halfway and she will slowly detach herself from anyone who is not willing to give her the deep love she is looking for.

I'm not looking for artificial words, actions. I want true heartfelt conversations, love, and just anything that has nothing to do with the mask you hide behind everytime you get scared or defensive.  We have way passed that phase of being defensive. If we can't look forward and think of ways to be transparent towards each other, there will only be facades that you put infront of me. That's not what I want.

"Once a girl's mind is made up, nothing can change it." 

You never try you never know. I'm waiting for you to prove me wrong. I am still waiting. Still here. But who knows for how long..

My sentences still stand strong. I can't live with lies, I can't live with secrecy and defensiveness. 

Tell me I made the right choice of staying.