It's the end of January. I genuinely hope its not the end of the new friendships that I've so happily created for this entire month.

I thank god for relieving me of the toxic cycle that I was in for the past 2 years. As much as it took a lot away from me mentally, physically and emotionally, I do not regret a single bit of it. I'm not saying I'm super strong right now, but I'm definitely stronger than before. I've loved with all that I could. I gave all that I could. & if in his shallow mind he could think for a single bit that it was even easy to reach this stage, he has a lot of growing to do. I'm done explaining myself. What's the point if one simply doesn't get it at all? Everyone gets tired. Till the end I could get a message like "I hate you". I guess that's how empty the whole 2 years were. It was probably a mistake from the beginning. Because we were never friends to begin with. We did not know each other's characters well enough and we jumped into a relationship. I've learnt from that and from now onwards I'll take time to know people. Yes we cannot stop attraction. But if I'm worth it and if a future him is worth it, regardless of how long it'll take, if we're compatible and if we belong to each other, things will work out somehow. Really don't see the point in rushing into things after this relationship. 

I know what I deserve in life and what I don't. Yes I still get entangled in the whole fuckboy situation every now and then. For that I need to slap myself in the face because I do not deserve to be seen as only a sexual object. I'm so sure I'm better than that. Yes I'm not born as attractive as others. I'll always be the uglier best friend. But I guess I just need to accept it and hope that in time someone will see I'm more than just an ugly face. I can't be bothered to find love and I won't say it'll find me either. I'll just say that if I'm meant to be with a certain someone, god will find its way to make us meet. Maybe I've already met him but maybe the timing is just.... horrible. 

Now I just hope in time to come, I know how to accept myself for who I am. I won't compare myself to my prettier friend even though everyone comments that she's prettier. I always elevate to trying to change myself to suit a certain somebody, to gain love or likes. But is that how it should be? No.. I want to work for a better future for myself. Yes I have a hot temper yes I have a resting bitch face. I'm born with parents that are always strict as hell and regardless of how they attempt to change to fit into the new generation, there will always be a gap and there will always be differences. I'm upset our characters really don't match. But I can't change my parents. I can only change myself to be a better person and hoping in time to come, they'll see I'm not a worthless immature child. 

Thank you for the memories. Thank you to the people who stood by me, new and old. 

如果你懂我的心，你会知道我根本都不想这种事发生。根本都不容易。我痛的你哪里会知道？

You don't know how much time i've spent thinking about solely just you. I've gotten nothing back in return.... Even when you told me to think of happy moments those happy moments wouldn't even be there if i wasn't the one who planned it. What have you done in your life to make mine happy? Really i can't think of any. Yes we all love differently. And that's why i'm terribly upset that we didn't work out. Yes i know no one loves me more than you do, that's why it upsets me even further. I've been settling down with the thought that no one in this world will love me as much as you do. Even up till now i still think so. But i'm sorry we're just not compatible and that's just really upsetting. I don't want to cut you out of my life, but why must everything always be so dramatic? I really wish you all the best.. I hope you find a girl who will click with you and just has the same lifestyle as you.. If one day i manage to find you again, and i see that you're a better person, then it's my loss and that also means we're not meant to be together. I love you.

I'm so over the edge. January is gonna be so stressed for me I might really even hurt people's feelings. I don't know I'm so done with always thinking for others that no one actually even at least GIVE A DAMN about mine. School stress is already enough to kill, but on top of that I still have to think of family problems which they cannot give me peace about and I have a boyfriend that simply doesn't understand and ends up hurting me with his words.

Why I say that? Cuz I get his intention of trying to make me calm. But I really think he has zero literally zero empathy for people. This morning I was so overwhelmed by the people around me. I wanted to dig a hole and hide because I simply just need to be alone. Yet a part of me wishes so much to call up my boyfriend and just cry because I just need someone to talk to, someone who feels my pain and someone who would just make me feel like the world is not ending. I know I can't do that. Because he was not awake. And even so he would've been frustrated with me that I was crying. Hence I decided to text instead..  I said something like "I can't do this anymore.. I really feel like shit." & I really do. From last night till now. After a huge fight with my parents and I haven't slept for more than 3h and all he could tell me was to stop drowning in my own sorrows. How's that consoling in any way? If anything, that was a direct confrontation. It's the same interpretation as when someone fell down, and you tell the person, "Seriously you're so careless can u just be more careful and stop being so clumsy next time?" Instead of focusing on making me feel at peace and calm, I felt like I just got stabbed in the wound.

I really cannot handle. And as much as I know his words hurt me, I'm not gonna let it get to me. I need to learn that maybe I just simply need to find another way to console myself. I need to accept maybe he just simply can't. T_T I need a shoulder to lean on sobs I'm on the verge of breaking down I'm not superwoman I'm really too overwhelmed by everything.... Why is it that everyone has the right to break down but when I do, it seems like I'm always being ridiculous and just really no one gets that I can't be fucking strong all the time?!??!?!?!? I am not even strong to begin with. I always needed someone who's able to understand me more than I understand them... I just cannot anymore.