When I was very young I always felt very different from the other kids. I always felt like I was receiving everything other people didn't. My mother was constantly travelling cuz of her work and she would always get me disney toys and barbie dolls from all over the world. I felt so loved. I felt like I was above all the other kids because I had things other kids didn't. I felt special. I always did. When all the girls in school only had a ponytail for school, I always went to school in different hairstyles because I had a helper who was so good at tying hair. I loved all the attention I got and I loved how everyone was praising my hairstyle and just simply everything that I had. In secondary school my dad always drove me to school everyday without fail. At that point of time, it felt like it was a burden and that he didn't give me the freedom to go to school myself. But there was this other part of me that felt special again. Because all the other kids had to go to school themselves and yet I had someone to send me there every single day. 

Yes there are the downsides to everything. As much as I felt special and had most things other kids didn't, I was punished a lot and my parents had extremely high expectations of me. All those canings and scoldings and even sometimes threatens. All those images scarred me for life even up till now when I'm 22 years old. To them it seems like they have changed and they have opened up. Little do they know scars are there for life. They thought constantly scolding me and shouting at me was a form of punishment for me to be a good girl. But that turned me into a scaredy cat. I'm scared to talk to people. I'm scared to get scolded. Call me weak or whatever but when someone has bounded me with fear for around 16 years of my life, it's really hard to break out of it. 

If they weren't so rigid with life and just be friendly and opened up, life wouldn't have been so fucking hard for the past 3 years. They say "if your child is happy, you should be happy for them". I was happy. Until they became a part of a problem between my relationship. I could see how it would all work or at least lessen the burden by half. But no. SO much tension, hate, anger, sadness were half caused by them. 

I thought putting him out of the equation would make things better. But has it? Nope. Further than ever. We're broken. Blood is thicker than water they say. Is it really? I haven't felt a tiny bit of love from them since god knows when. Am I even family to them? I don't even know anymore. 

As I grew up I started feeling more common. I see other people's parents still treating their kid like a gem and I would be there feeling jealous as hell. Why can't my parents continue treating me like a gem? The older I grew the more I had my own say in things. And the more I realised how I felt towards certain things are so different compared to my parents. We totally have different thinking in a lot of things. When I was in my teens I used to rebel a lot and thought friends were more important than them. And when people started betraying and leaving me I realised alright maybe family would really just stay by your side always. I used to stay in their room till late because that was the only comfort and closeness I was getting from anyone. I felt less lonely and I felt like I could live on till the next day.

I remember my lasalle days were actually the best times I had with my family. They never had any issues with me until I started clubbing. But even then things were solved pretty quickly though very emotionally damaging but I could still feel their presence. 

Right now, it's the loneliest I've ever felt. They're no longer by my side. I can feel myself slowly distancing from my friends for god knows what reason. I just feel like theres no one ever that I can trust in this world. & It really sucks cuz the feeling where no one is by ur side and just no one is there when u really truly need someone is horrible. I get nightmares of the person I love constantly scolding me shouting at me. It's never ending and I just don't understand is it so hard to just shower me with endless love? Am i born into this world to just be pushed aside by people, stepped on by people and just be an underdog forever? 

These random tears at night and I can't seem to stop. I hate my life now and maybe the adulting world isn't for me. Maybe I'm just not meant for life. So sad my soul is so sad and I just don't know how to fix it.