I suddenly have a very strong feel for some passionate love. Like i wanna kiss you passionately wanna go on a romantic date and just have all the jittery feelings from just making out with you but :( It seems like it’s one sided.. As much as being comfortable is such a nice feeling but once in awhile I’d like to feel the crazy in love feeling you have for me. I don’t really know how to trigger that emotion out of you and that’s kinda sad haha.

Can’t wait to have a mini date with u just so I can feel some fireworks. It has been such a down week emotionally due to family issues that I’ve been just feeling so distant lately and I don’t like it at all :( One week already and I still feel like that. Sigh. You don’t entertain my nonsense anymore instead you just like get frustrated over the smallest stuff or even when I attempt to be silly.. I wish we can get it back soon. I need some love 😭😭😭😭😭

This situation really triggered me but I really can't believe he doesnt know the seriousness of this to me. Like so many things can be a joke but weight and looks is definitely not a joke to me. I've told him a million times already? Since young I've been called fat and ugly for the longest fucking time and it always make me feel like crying. How many times I've been on a diet or shit like that just because I hate being fat? Recently I let loose alittle. Yes may be because I feel happier with him and I do feel a little hungrier at times. Yes I do agree I've put on weight but I will lose it soon. Because I know my weight has always been fucking stagnant since I was 14 years old. I've always been around 64kg since then. It will always fluctuate by 5kg or i'll gain maximum 4kg. Never been heavier than this. When people say I gain weight or I look fatter, I do agree because it must be because of that few kgs that I gained.

When his brother came back this week, he questioned me "Why you never go think of slimming down?" I didnt wanna answer. I just said my weight has always been like that. He asked again "Currently are you around 60kg?" I'm like yeah and he totally exclaimed and said "WTF THATS SO HEAVY" You have no idea how offended I felt. In the past, Yaohui wouldve scolded his family member if anyone of them mentioned my weight, mentioned that i was fat. Nowadays he don't even give a shit and that added on to my sadness. So yaohui's brother just continued yapping about my weight. Talk talk talk keep asking me to slim down to 50KG but I literally dont even wanna hear a single word from his mouth anymore. Like I was on the brink of crying alr and it sucked so much that my boyfriend didnt even realise that because his phone was way more important. I fucking hate it when people call me fat. Like what the fuck is your problem do I need you to tell me I'm fat? Do I not have eyes to see myself? But alright many days passed and I kinda forgot about it until today when this topic was brought up again. This time we were talking about his brother's ex girlfriend. My boyfriend said that she used to be slim until she became steady with the brother. She gained alot of weight during the relationship. He could've ended the story there. But no. He had to make me an extra example. "Like you. Last time you like slim one" <- When he said this I literally went like wtf? Since when was I even slim? My weight was ALWAYS the same just plus minus 3-5kg. I didnt even wanna hear what he was gonna say at the back because he must have wanted to say that I gained fucking alot of weight now? I felt so fucking sad. Like wth WHO FED ME TILL LIKE THIS? LIKE WHO MADE ME EAT SO MUCH?! I felt so fucking shit he totally have no idea even up till THIS MINUTE he doesn't even fucking know how much this is affecting me. To him it seems like I can't take a JOKE but this is NOT a joke to me.

But this woke me up. This just shows me that I shouldnt stay in my comfort zone and I should try my best to look as good as I possibly can for myself and not for anyone else. I don't deny there are many times I do try to look better just for him but end result he only calls me fat. Lol. Wtf. I'm sorry but fat jokes are not funny to me. It doesnt show me any sort of affection and I'm sorry your girlfriend is FAT. But im sorry theres no way i will eat like usual already there's no way i am gonna eat supper at all.

52th Month

It’s currently 3:26 and it’s one of the rare nights that I can’t get my mind to rest and go to bed... 

In all honesty, life has been treating me very well lately. I won’t say our relationship has no flaws. There definitely still many things to work on but I’m glad to know that we’re on this page together and I’m glad that finally our efforts balance it out. Hence, I am willing to accept certain things that may have been a red flag for me. Because despite that, he still showed me this relationship is important to me. Yes there are still times that I don’t believe his words because of history. But it’s really his actions that speak way more than words can ever speak for himself. And I’m FUCKING glad he’s been doing it and I’m not even kidding when I say I’m so happy and thankful for it. 

I won’t deny tonight is the night where shit thoughts enter my head again and I choose to write it down. It’s so hard to control these thoughts and I feel like these thoughts attack me at least once every month. I was super fine just now because I had such a happy video call with my baby and it made my entire night and I was so happy and blessed. Menses took over me emotions took over me and here I am right now. 

One year ago I was in such a shit place I asked myself how did i pull through those few months alone....? I honestly still feel a lot from then every time these flashbacks happen. It hurts me a lot and you really have no idea how much I’m fighting against myself. The kind of pain is so unbearable that just reading through my own messages I could feel it.. All the emotions flooded back in and I felt like I got confused for a moment which was the past and which is reality. 

I love this man so much, then and now. Every single year my love seems to never change. It may seem like I’m joking and lying but I kid you not when I say I really remember every part of this relationship since 2014.... There are a lot of things I don’t say to him because honestly there isn’t even a time where we really talk about our feelings, have a heart to heart talk.. I talk to myself la, like now. 

Tbh I’ve slowly been trying to let go certain paranoia that I used to have. But sometimes just sometimes I get sunk right back into it.... Sometimes because it is just in his nature to not talk about specifics and that honestly doesn’t secure me. Of course instead of throwing my insecurity at him, I try hard to work around the situation instead. I slowly try to make him talk instead of expecting him to talk to me.. I still get scared a lot of times. Sometimes all I want is to be proven WRONG. And it really feels fucking good to know that behind ur back, ur man is still a loyal one.... And i really just need that. And even though i don’t extravagantly show that I’m so happy that he did this for me, inside i’m dying of happiness. Because this is really all i need to stay sane. To know that he has nth to hide, to know that he’s so willing to be open with me. 

I’m honestly happy where this is going. Somedays I’m afraid but I want my baby to know I’m really not a perfect woman either. And my feelings as much as I can try my best to be strong, there are just times where I really do need him to be stronger than me to hold me.... I’m happy that he’s been thinking about how I feel and really it took him many years to get here. Yes it may have been a little long but I’m still glad he’s here with me. I’m also happy that writing this post made me write all the happier stuff instead of all the stuff that I was upset about. This shows myself that my head is still filled with more positives than negatives at this point of time. 

One step at a time, I have faith that one day he will be the man he wishes to be. For himself, for me, for his future kids.