52th Month

It’s currently 3:26 and it’s one of the rare nights that I can’t get my mind to rest and go to bed... 

In all honesty, life has been treating me very well lately. I won’t say our relationship has no flaws. There definitely still many things to work on but I’m glad to know that we’re on this page together and I’m glad that finally our efforts balance it out. Hence, I am willing to accept certain things that may have been a red flag for me. Because despite that, he still showed me this relationship is important to me. Yes there are still times that I don’t believe his words because of history. But it’s really his actions that speak way more than words can ever speak for himself. And I’m FUCKING glad he’s been doing it and I’m not even kidding when I say I’m so happy and thankful for it. 

I won’t deny tonight is the night where shit thoughts enter my head again and I choose to write it down. It’s so hard to control these thoughts and I feel like these thoughts attack me at least once every month. I was super fine just now because I had such a happy video call with my baby and it made my entire night and I was so happy and blessed. Menses took over me emotions took over me and here I am right now. 

One year ago I was in such a shit place I asked myself how did i pull through those few months alone....? I honestly still feel a lot from then every time these flashbacks happen. It hurts me a lot and you really have no idea how much I’m fighting against myself. The kind of pain is so unbearable that just reading through my own messages I could feel it.. All the emotions flooded back in and I felt like I got confused for a moment which was the past and which is reality. 

I love this man so much, then and now. Every single year my love seems to never change. It may seem like I’m joking and lying but I kid you not when I say I really remember every part of this relationship since 2014.... There are a lot of things I don’t say to him because honestly there isn’t even a time where we really talk about our feelings, have a heart to heart talk.. I talk to myself la, like now. 

Tbh I’ve slowly been trying to let go certain paranoia that I used to have. But sometimes just sometimes I get sunk right back into it.... Sometimes because it is just in his nature to not talk about specifics and that honestly doesn’t secure me. Of course instead of throwing my insecurity at him, I try hard to work around the situation instead. I slowly try to make him talk instead of expecting him to talk to me.. I still get scared a lot of times. Sometimes all I want is to be proven WRONG. And it really feels fucking good to know that behind ur back, ur man is still a loyal one.... And i really just need that. And even though i don’t extravagantly show that I’m so happy that he did this for me, inside i’m dying of happiness. Because this is really all i need to stay sane. To know that he has nth to hide, to know that he’s so willing to be open with me. 

I’m honestly happy where this is going. Somedays I’m afraid but I want my baby to know I’m really not a perfect woman either. And my feelings as much as I can try my best to be strong, there are just times where I really do need him to be stronger than me to hold me.... I’m happy that he’s been thinking about how I feel and really it took him many years to get here. Yes it may have been a little long but I’m still glad he’s here with me. I’m also happy that writing this post made me write all the happier stuff instead of all the stuff that I was upset about. This shows myself that my head is still filled with more positives than negatives at this point of time. 

One step at a time, I have faith that one day he will be the man he wishes to be. For himself, for me, for his future kids.