It's so sad that things have to turn out like that today. As much as I try to pretend like all is fine everything is ok.... I really wish to just break down and I just want somebody to sayang me until I feel better. T_T I can't even fucking explain how hurtful this feeling is and it continuously keeps coming back at me. Nobody fucking understands this and everyone will just tell me "You chose to try again so deal with it."

T_T I hate that he has to time and time prove his capability. Like he's capable of doing shitty things but he claims he never and that's why he's a good guy. Do you know how many times I picture you fucking her when certain things make me remember? Do you know just because of all the shit you say when you're angry, I picture every single shit you said that you're capable of? Do you know what goes through my mind and what kind of mental torture it is just because of the words you say to me when you "feel like it"? I don't even know how to start to explain the feeling when I feel fucking shitty and have no one I can go to. You're supposedly my safe place.... But everytime when shit goes down you make me shiver and you make me fear. I don't feel like we're on the same team and I feel soooooo misunderstood that I don't even wanna fight for myself anymore. I don't know if he will ever see this but if I ever voice this out to him in real life, all he will tell me is "this is your problem not mine. don't make your problem my problem." ...... alright

Yes I know I made a decision to forgive. I just feel like if I want to truly forget everything that has ever happened, I can't constantly be in the environment that makes me remember all sorts of shit...... This is just like basic common sense. You can't always be doing shit that constantly reminds me of what you're actually "capable" of.....

I fucking hate it that even at this hour I am still thinking about the shit he said this afternoon. What did he even meant when he said "I can tell her to not text me at all because I know weekends I am with you." ????????? fuck? How does this make me feel any safe? I already feel like you're a different person when you're in camp and when you're with me. By saying that just makes me feel even shittier as a person and as your gf. Why couldnt he said things that SOUNDS ASSURING instead of threatening?

What is love really? I'm really doubting myself so much and asking myself if I'm even loving rightly. Why do I feel like I'm doing so much yet it just doesn't feel enough or it just really feel like "its the norm" when it obviously isnt. T_T I can go through every fucking day with him like routine based and as much as life gets boring sometimes, my mind never stops choosing him. My mind never stops thinking about him. My mind never stops yearning to see him again even when I just saw him afew hours ago. As much as there's so much shit that happened between us, I still can't seem to let go. Am I just being stubborn or do I really love him so much? I can't even fucking bring myself to even like be "overly" friendly to a random guy friend or even a guy stranger because I'm just so high up that level of uninterested. Is it because I am like that thats why he thinks he can do whatever he wants and I am gonna accept it and stay with him?

I'm not saying he's disloyal now but even when I'm not thinking about shit like that, he keeps reminding me of it. He keeps thinking that I'm thinking he's cheating or bound to cheat etc. He does not fucking know how much it emphasizes the past every single time he does that. I'm trying fucking hard to move forward. I'm trying fucking hard not to time and time again picture a fucking bad image in my head. I'm trying so fucking hard to not think about it and literally just look at our RELATIONSHIP and nothing else. How can I make him understand that he needs to stop bringing up the past like that? How is he gonna handle everytime if I gave him the image that I have the capability of fucking another guy? How is he gonna handle if I gave him the feeling that I have the capability to 2 time him and he can NEVER FIND OUT? He's not even gonna fucking put himself through that because he knows how much it's gonna hurt him and it is not going to be worth the pain for him.

Even after all thats been done, I still put down every single thing and trust. And believe. Dont you understand how fucking hard that is ALREADY?????? I feel so tired of being misunderstood.. That I don't trust him. It's basic knowledge to know that I will NOT be DISAPPOINTED, SAD, OR SHOCKED if I don't trust him. Because in the first place I wouldve known you're not telling the truth straight up and it wouldnt come as a shock if the truth actually comes up. But how many times have the story been different from what he actually told me? Do I really have ZERO reasons to react how I react? I don't think so.

Some days I really wonder..... How much worth am I to him.... How much sacrifice is he willing to give up for me.

I also wonder why I can love so fiercely.... I feel like I can give so much that I am so scared of myself already. I'm so scared to give only to lose out in the end. I'm so scared to give so much only to know he doesnt even love me enough to choose me during quarrels.... T_T

I don't doubt his love for me. But I just hate that it is unequal. I hate that I love him more and I hate that I show it more T_T I've been pulling back. At least TRYING to pull back. I still fail..... I can't stop myself from just caring or showing that he bothers me. Issit because I fail to play the love game that's why he can do anything he wants to me? I don't know T_T

I'm just so scared? I don't know why but the past 1 month all he's been doing is really telling me what bad stuff he's capable of. I really don't know what to feel about it and I feel fucking pain thinking of all the things he told me. I feel fucking pain having those images constantly replaying in my head. It's not that I want to but every single time when he blows, he says so much shit that triggers that side of the memory. He underestimates that trauma I have to overcome. He really underestimates it so damn much....

He ask me why do I keep sort of bringing up "So you want to break up" this when things get super heated up... It's not because I want to. It is because the way he said certain things and the way he confronts the situation shows me that he doesn't think of the aftermath of what his words and actions may cause to me emotionally and mentally. I think of all that shit because I know it'll somehow hurt him in a way or another if I were to just say whatever the hell i feel like saying at the heating moment. So when I try so hard not to do it, I don't see why he cant..?? When supposedly priority is to protect each others' hearts. I DONT WANT to break up i only want to WORK BETTER on the relationship. Thats why I choose to not hurt using words. I choose to make sure certain things that are not supposed to be said will never be said. But he always say things that really causes fear and trauma????? It just makes me question like if this is how its going to be its not gonna work out at all so whats the point? I mean my brain just simply can't connect it with 'oh hes just being angry right now saying shit he doesnt mean'. Because obviously he means it and he obviously did it because he know it'll get to me. And thats the fucking suckiest part. Using my vulnerable side against me. Knowing that I will freak out but he does it anyway.... T_T!!!!!!!

Are you able to bravely say that even when life gets boring, you'll still choose me?
Can you say loudly that you will never go find excitement elsewhere?

I'm a wrecking mess. But even when I am I wish he chooses me.. Because I still chose him at his angriest points of life. I deal with all the hurtful shit he says.. Time and time again I deal.. T_T So can he please for the love of me just love me so much that he doesn't wanna hurt me? Can he love me to the point where I'm worth more than his anger? Can he love me so much that he doesn't mind seeing me at any point that he is capable of seeing me..? Can he stop being calculative and telling me how many things he has already done? Instead shower me more just because he thinks I deserve it?

When it hits me like that I really wanna cut contact with everyone. I'm losing myself and expecting someone else to comfort me till I heal. Right now I'm a fucking emotional wreck but I'm pretty sure he's feeling nothing much. This is what sucks. I have so many nights of fear and trauma that I have to fight alone.. I feel so alone T_T Some days I feel so sorry for myself. Like why do people have to deal with me. Like honestly if I were to disappear who the fuck knows? I always use this timing to disappear. Because honestly nobody fucking cares la. Who the fuck cares. If they didnt have plans with me for the next week or so, I really wouldve just gone MIA. Because really though I don't think anyone cares enough to know whether I still am alive.

I may regret writing so much shit because I literally have nobody to talk to. But it's my only way to voicing out how i really feel.. T_T