Messed up

Oh wells.

Never thought things like that could've happened. Hmmm I feel like it hasn't hit me yet. Weeks ago I named the title of my post "I wanna know yet I don't". Yes until now I still have the same feeling in my heart except I've been exposed to the truth unexpectedly. I feel like my heart doesn't wanna register the truth yet.

I feel like all of these seem so surreal. I finally saw the person I haven't seen in like a week. That week felt like ages because I thought I wouldn't see that person till like school reopens. I felt sad that he was so bothered about someone else that I was so invisible. It's not his fault though because it's just me and my one sided feelings. I wanted to help him out in so many ways but what kind of a status am I to be so close and concerned? So that held me back. He can't even tell me the truth what else can I expect? He doesn't let me into his world. I'm being blocked out like nobody's business yet I'm still standing there like a block. Of course it irritates me that I'm such a big fat block -_- Since he's not doing anything, I'm just gonna be the saint here and get out of the picture. Sigh this sadness

My dream came true I guess?

"This morning, or maybe last night, I had a dream about that person just constantly ignoring my presence. It felt so horrible but I couldn't get out of that dream. There are only 2 endings to my dreams. 1st, its a prediction of what will happen in the coming future. Yes this sounds so stupid and you might think I'm mad but I always dream of the future. Mine's really strong and it really does come true. If my dream is realistic enough, it will happen in real life in just a matter of a few weeks. No I don't fucking want that god damn dream to come true I'll shoot myself. The 2nd ending to my dreams are.... hmmm it just doesn't come true l o l"

I posted this on the 19th Nov. I hate this. Last night was almost like how it happened in my dream. I should probably be thankful since my dream was actually at least 5 times worse. 

I feel like I have some sort of a curse put onto me. All my crushes never ever work out. Something is bound to happen. Like what kind of life do I lead?!!?!?!? So unlucky. I feel so disappointed in myself for liking someone. This is ridiculous I really think I'm still dreaming wtf. I have no courage to face such shit.

Seeing my friend cry so badly yesterday just made me thought of the exact scenario of what happened 5 years back. I too called up my closest friend and cried. Like a bitch, even though I was around so many people. I too was in front of the person whom was the cause of it all. I knew clearly how she felt but at that point of time I had no one beside me. While I was beside her, another friend of mine was beside me telling me that I should leave her alone because right now all she can think of is that matter and everything else is just invisible. Which is true. My heart ached so bad for her. This is the kind of shit love puts people through.

I still in a daze from yesterday, in all honesty. But I'm trying to make it seem like none of that ever happened. Obviously not working. Probably should've drank more. I never ever liked drowning my sorrows but yesterday was really a day I wish to forget.