내 마음이 너무 아파요

"You can decorate absence however you want, but you're still going to feel what's missing."

- Siobhan Vivian 

Haha missed my BTT test yesterday. Lol no fate to take the test. Woke up too late in the morn. 

Went out in the evening to meet Jaz. Had awesome Korean food for my breaklunner. It was so awesome!!! I've been craving for korean food for sooooo long. Honestly I don't mind eating korean food again this weekend. HUNGRY GIRL IS HUNGRY. Took one longass ride to Kallang to ice skate. 

Watched SDD Vol 5 today with Andrea!!!! So many amazing crews. I feel so inspired right now I can't even. I feel like I've finally found back my drive my motivation and my passion for dance, something I've lost over the past 6 months. Yes ever since I broke my feet I really have NO FEEL TO DANCE AT ALL. I just move but I'm not dancing. I dance because I have to, not because I want to. I feel so stressed out by school that my passion for dancing has been sucked out of me. I know taking classes outside always makes me feel better but I didn't even have the time to go for that. Even if I did have time, I'd rather spend the time to recuperate at home, to do something else other than dance because when I dance I just think of school. That's how horrible school was for me for the past 4 months. Going to school was a dread. I hated it. Everything about school just makes me want to puke. The people the teachers the lessons EVERYTHING. If it weren't for attendance's sake I really wouldn't be able to wake up everyday. But yeah those 45 crews that I've watched today really inspired me. The super good ones and even the not so good ones. They made me see where I am. They made me see where I want to be. They made me remember why I even went for classes everyday during the holidays last year. Seeing some of my friends on that stage today.... How much improvement they've made... It's amazing. Seeing where they are now just makes me wanna slap myself for giving up. 

Totally didn't regret standing under the hot sun and under the rain for almost 2hours. 

I've really lost myself in these 4 months. Totally. Everything was just fucked up and messed up and I don't even know why I've became like that. I DIDN'T EVEN BOTHERED IF I PUT ON WEIGHT OR NOT. Everyday I just eat like a fucking pig and I DON'T GIVE A SHIT. Because food was the only consolation to my bad days (which is almost everyday). CAN YOU EVEN BELIEVE IT FOR ONCE I DIDN'T EVEN COMPLAIN THAT I'M GAINING WEIGHT. I didn't even say I want to go on a diet. Didn't even say ANYTHING REGARDING MY PHYSICAL APPEARANCE. When I know clearly that I've put on a lot of weight..... WHATEVER THAT SHANETTE IS GONE. I'm gonna start controlling my diet again.

Sigh wasn't in the talking mood today. I feel very lifeless again. Hmmm why man why. I feel like I cannot find the right feelings to feel for the past few days and it sucks. I can't say I'm sad because I don't really have a reason to be. I can't say I'm happy either because I'm definitely not. I would say I'm feeling very lonely nowadays because even though I have people to go out with and people to hang out with, I just feel very cooped up in my own world. A part of me wants to be in solitude. I just want to be because I need it. & If I wanna talk to someone it would be you. You have no idea how many times I wanted to talk to you and yet..... I remember we aren't really on talking terms. Gawd wanted so badly to send you the ice skating picture to make you jealous but then.... Nope. Saw a whaacking group today that was so freaking funny and amusing. Wanted to record to show you because I remembered how you loved whacking.... BUT NOPE. 

Trying to find jobs right now. IT'S SO HARDDDDD. I really wanna work with pets though. It's like one of my dreams to work with pets.... HAHAHA crazy I know but I'll just try my luck :B 

OH AND DID I MENTION HOW I'M SO TEMPTED TO CHOP OFF MY HAIR?!?!?! Not even kidding I've been contemplating for at least 2 months already. Argh I really wish my face was smaller... Then I think I really would just chop it off. Not that I look super bad with mid length hair. It's just that I'll definitely want it to grow back after 2 months. Everyone knows how my hair grows so damn slowly. The irony is that my fringe grows super fast. I can cut it to my mouth area and in 3 weeks it'll be below my chin alr. HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE. HOW GUYS HOW I DON'T KNOW IF I SHOULD CUT IT OMG... I'm so sick of long hair.... It's so irritating and everything's just a chore. But...... long hair makes my face look abit smaller... Sigh pies