In case

“But I need to wake up somehow. Or maybe not. Maybe it’s best to get through the day half-asleep. Maybe that’s the only way to get through today.”

This is the quote that I'll be living by for the next few weeks. I'm in a blur right now. I suddenly feel like I have a lot of time and yeah I love it but I don't wanna waste my time. I want to find a job but I don't know what to work as. Oh my god. 

Slept really late last night so I didn't attend morning lessons. Body already switching to holiday mood. Woah been having 2-3 hours long phone conversations recently with Andrea. It's crazy the last time I've been on the phone for so long was like during... secondary school days. All I do is hang on the phone. My longest record was seriously the whole day omg. I can't believe it. HOW LIFELESS. So yeah... We keep trying to find solutions to our problems but.... There will be no solutions if the other parties aren't doing anything about it. So yeah my conclusion for myself is that I know I'll have to let it all go. I know.... But I'm holding on just in case things decide to get better. 

"What you gonna do if he really doesn't talk to you even when assessments are over?" she asked.. Such a sad question to ask me. I mean yeah I kinda already prepared myself for that.. I even wrote it here. I said that already proves that I'm nothing. & it's just a sad phase that I need to get over. I need to let it all go. I will just have to accept it cuz it's really right in my face already. I'm really not the kind to live in denial kay. I think this is one of the longest real crush I've had in so long and I just can't even understand myself. It's crazy. I really don't know what to say to myself. I mean there's really nothing left to say. I'm actually scared. I actually want assessments to quickly be over but at the same time.... I might just be devastated. But what's meant to be will always find their way back into my life. I can tell myself that I've really tried already. There's really nothing more I can do now. There's a reason why I call this an unrequited crush. Because my feelings are unreciprocated 3/4 of the time. For no rhyme or reason you will reappear in my life again just when i'm about to give up on hope. I don't know man it's crazy. I think this is the end result of following my heart. I am the type who's a romantic and at the same time I'm not because I know reality sucks. Like fantasising over fairytales but knowing happy endings never ever happens in real life. 

Hung out with Becky after school today. Wow it's been sooooo long. Felt like one of those days last semester. Again it felt like nothing changed for that few moments I'm with her. Sigh can't believe time just flew like that. So many things have been happening and.... I know things will get better. I just know it. Because if it doesn't it's not the end. I have faith that everything will work out just fine. Maybe not for me but for others I hope. It's ok I already prepared myself for the worse for my own case. Then having this whole holiday to recover from the shit I've put myself through this whole semester. Suckiest semester EVER. 

Sucks that I'm comparing last semester this time and now. I mean yeah I'm still doing the same thing I did last sem and this sem but at least last sem we were still talking... & Everytime I predict this specific day that you might text me, the chances of it really happening were still like 80%. Now.... It's just really less than 5% sia omg. Sigh sometimes I really regret (i also don't know regret what cuz I don't even know what i did what the hell).....