Then yesterday night's dream was extremely contradicting to the dream I had the day before. So yesterday's dream.. Sounds like I'm typing a script but I'm really not okay. LOL.. I liked this person for a really long time and, he kinda likes me back too but because of differences and all that crap, we just can't be together or can't show that we have feelings for each other. So.... I was at some sort of a house party or something. So weird, again, there was no one there that I was close with... I was there ALONE. God why do I keep dreaming that I'm at a party alone without any of my close friends. It's just weird because if you know me I WOULD NEVER GO TO A PARTY ALONE. (ok that party was an exception if you know what i'm referring to..)
Okay back to my dream. So yeah I was at the party alone. I was with his friends most of the time and when I actually get to spend time with him, somebody has to disrupt our conversation. Then I don't know why it was as if we were all running away from somebody so we ran. All of us were at some staircase basement. He.... held my hand and ran. He held my freaking hand... You have no idea how shocked I was. His friends were still all trying to get to the door and he just stopped me right before the door. Everyone saw and I gave him the face "what don't you not want anyone to know anything.." But he gave me the reassuring look... He whispered to me "For now, this is all we're gonna be okay." I actually don't understand what he meant and then he gave me a reassuring kiss? Like what. Oh my god I swear I don't understand my own dreams like what the hell. So tell me. What is the end gonna be?
I really feel like I'm writing a script. How on earth do I have such detailed dreams and then sometimes I just cannot remember anything at all?
Ballet exam today was just saddening. :'( Sigh I really think I'm gonna fail. THIS IS SO SAD. Tomorrow's contemporary exam. EVEN WORSE..... My self-esteem stabbing me like 100000 times. I just finished my feedback session with Yenny. She told me that I've improved from the last semester and all that. She says she sees that I try very hard consistently in every lesson.. Sometimes I feel like she's like Coach Ling. Giving me compliments only because she feels like I need some boost. After she told me my feedback for Jazz, she asked me how's my other work going on and if I was coping well... I just couldn't help it so I told her I wasn't doing well.. I really needed to tell someone and yet I don't know who to talk to. Out of all the teachers, she's one of the most comfortable teachers that I could talk to. In the end I still couldn't say what I wanted to say because I felt like my tears was gonna fall soon so.... I ended up not talking much. OKAY SEE this is one of my biggest problems. I hate talking about my problems to someone else because I know for sure that I'll cry, especially when I've kept it in for so long. Such a crybaby but whatever.... I swear I cry over the stupidest reasons oh my god judging myself seriously.
So she told me that it doesn't matter how long I take to reach where I want to be, as long as I don't give up. & she boosted me up saying that I have been improving and it's shown... & in my head I just went like ....... what in the world this is the one semester that I felt so sucky throughout. I lost my motivation FOR THE WHOLE SEMESTER. Literally. Miss Melissa told me straight in my face that I haven't shown improvement at all for this semester. Sigh I don't understand this shit I hate this I feel like my time is really up. What should I do -__- Almost cried too after ballet because I sucked so bad. Like why why why.
I'm so stressed I can die. I just wish I can dance like I'm flying. I see my seniors do their contemp solos I'm just like why aren't my extensions as nice as them even though I feel like I'm trying...? W H Y
DIDNT HELP THAT SOMEONE NEVER EVEN SAID HI TO ME TODAY EVEN THO HE SAW ME TWICE. Argh so blatantly ignored me. WOW THANK YOU LA.
The One You’re Irrationally Waiting For:
You had a thing once, but broke up because you were headed in different directions — you to school, they to travel, you to a career and they to that strange netherworld that exists only in the basements of the houses that belong to our increasingly exasperated parents. You keep saying that you’ll get back together when your lives are a little more stable, a little less busy, and you fully believe this… yet they seem to be a little vague. Still, you’ve turned down other prospective suitors because you’re holding out for this one person, when really, all you’re holding onto is the memory of the past, hoping that one day, they’re going to Facebook message their way back into your life, all shiny and new and ready to live out the rest of forever together
So familiar huh? Think it in a more subtle way. More like an unrequited crush kinda manner. Link it to that. Sigh I'm so done la fuck. Whatever happens, happens la. Don't happen I also don't care already la. So tired sia I'm so tired of trying and then always returning back to square 1. Wanna curse so badly like what the hell is your deal. Who the hell ignores someone you care?!!??!?! WHOOOOOOO omg even when I'm typing this I'm still giving him the benefit of the doubt like no maybe I'm too selfish maybe I'm just being retarded maybe he's busy. NO FUCK IT I'M BUSY TOO I'M STRESSED TOO I'M EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD THAT YOU ARE but I bother. and you don't. And that's the truth. The bloody naked truth. I posted this before but I'm posting it again ANYWAY
"Someone who cares will not make you feel bad for taking up said time. Although they might be busy, so are you. They will want to spend the time on you because that is just what you do when you care for someone. They won't make you feel bad for asking to hang out, feel guilty that your time is less valuable than whatever else they are doing."
So yeah WHY DO I ALWAYS FEEL BAD? ALWAYS SIA. Even when I don't do anything I just feel bad and annoying that I'm appearing in front of you. I DONT EVEN KNOW WHY. The vibe you give me is the same as 3 months ago. "Argh why the heck is she here argh no go away" Wa seriously thank you la and I thought we were past that stage. I'd quote what you told me that day but.... your words are forever empty so.... sigh doesn't make a difference. K la okay la whatever la to you this is ok then OK LA. Don't even know why I'm getting mad over this. Omg I wish this is pmsing but no i'm not.
I'm so tired la. You happy then you come back la. Really don't know what i do to deserve this but okay I'm just really tired already. At the end of the day it just really doesn't matter la. & my intuition is always right. ALWAYS. So since I already had that feeling like..... 4 days ago. It probably is true. So yeah okay.
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