Hello, hello? Can can you hear me?

Alright hi there I'm back. For the first time this time I chose to go missing in action. Because every time I try to sit down and blog I think of so many reasons why I shouldn't. I don't know there's honestly a lot on my mind right now and you might find it weird because it's the holidays, so why are there things on my mind huh. I don't know either. I just want to leave Singapore for the whole holiday if that's even possible. That gives me a reason to leave my phone off and not contactable. I feel like people take my presence for granted. I don't like it and I hate it.

So I recently met up with Liqian and she broke my heart. Sigh I could feel so much hurt and see so much sadness in her eyes it was crazy. I wanted to hug her so tight and tell her that things are going to be alright... But I don't know. I myself is at a wtf state and here I am trying to make everyone else feel better about their own sad situations. WHY!!!! Been hanging out with Becky a lot and I'm not exactly sure of what to say when she asks me for advice because LOOK AT WHERE I AM. If my own advices worked I guess I probably wouldn't be at the state I'm at.

I honestly see no hope in this situation. Part of me wants to just settle it all but I seriously can't think of a way to even bring up the conversation. If I don't, this is gonna haunt me for the rest of my life every time he appears in front of me. & Of course, another way, the easy way out, is to pretend nothing ever happened and just carry on with life. Also admit that things will never ever ever be the same again.

I tried though. I started the conversation all cool and shit.. Pretended that we're on talking terms. Pretended that all's fine. Pretended that he haven't been ignoring me when he saw me in school the last few weeks. Pretended that I didn't know what he knows that he's not supposed to. He destroyed my coolness by replying 4 days later and his reply sounded pretty depressed at that.

Sigh he obviously didn't really felt like talking, nor catch up. I feel like shit and at the same time.... Time to let go. I'm sick of trying. I've lost myself, entirely. Call me a coward for taking the second option. But really my heart's not strong enough to keep holding on to nothing.. I guess I'm not the person he thought I'd be anyway. Sorry it's been bothering me for the longest time. If I can't even accept myself how am I supposed to expect him to not judge me for what I did? Seriously.

Heading to Japan on the 8th June... When I head to the airport this time, all I will be able to think of is my trip to Europe. I can just sense my future sadness. How is it even possible right? How you will not even know that I'm gonna be out of town. I just don't feel cared for anymore. Not a single bit. & it sucks.

I really need that new job. Faster call me up. Sick of stoning at home already. I want to meet new people.