Summertime sadness

Oh wells

Summer break is almost over for me. I'm left with 4 fucking days till I'm back to be a slave in school. I gotta say I've had my fun. I wish I had more fun though but I guess we can't be too greedy huh? I've had my summer sexiness, summer kisses, summer parties, summer tans, summertime SADNESS. Done.

I'm very glad to have spent so much time with Liqian over the hols. My dance class partner, party bitch, my fake lesbo partner in da club. But that totally didn't stop any man from hitting on me HAHAHAHA LOL. Totally regretted many things I've done when I wake up the next day, but I guess that's what yolo is? Doing stupid shit and regretting the next day. Then doing it again anyway. Whatever it is I live for the night. No one understands this. Especially my parents. God. School ain't gonna stop me from partying. Unless someone comes along and gives me a reason not to. Because fuck this shit I've got nothing to live for anymore.

I don't know I've been thinking a lot this whole week. I've been thinking about my love life. Thinking about the future. Thinking about what I'd do after I graduate. Thinking about this and that and this and that.

If I can settle early I swear I will. I've been talking to Liqian about this. About dating. About guys. About jerks. About nice guys. About everything on the list that I've done and I've regretted. Why? Really I know whatever I'm typing doesn't make cow sense but whatever I really just need to let it out. I felt so fucking sad after Wednesday night. I swear. People don't stay. I hate that I have to face this shit after every crazy night. I suck. I have a wild side. So? I hate this. Yet I love it at the same time. I know this is low. Yet I just need to fill in that emptiness. I can't believe that a girl like me can't find someone who truly loves me. I don't want to make out with every new guy I see in the club. I want to go in a club with the same guy and tell the world that he's mine. Why is it so hard? I know this is the most randomest shit ever but really 2014 has been one of the suckiest year.. All thanks to me and my attachment to people. Like really shan really? I hate the person that I've become. Why am I doing this to myself? WHY!!!!!!! Oh my god. Maybe I really don't deserve anyone.

I definitely know there are worst people out there BUT WHO GIVES A FUCK? I just care about what kind of a person I've become. Why am i like this.... What exactly am I lacking of? Confidence? I like me better when I'm high. I like me better when there's alcohol in me, when I'm wasted. Because I am confident ad I can do whatever the fuck I like. All of a sudden I can converse so god damn well with people. All of a sudden that boost of confidence just shoots right up. All of a sudden I can flirt with any guy I want. Sigh save me. But do i want to be saved? :'( I've been crying about this since yesterday and I still have no clue to why I'm feeling like this. I wished people cared about me more. I wished I was more important in people's lives. I wished I made a bigger impact on people. I wished people won't forget me. So many things in the world like FUCK CAN I STOP FEELING ALREADY. Can I just be the one hurting people and let people call me a bitch. I'd rather be a bitch. I don't want to be the nice person and end up getting hurt all the time. Like why? WHY SERIOUSLY.

"It doesn't really matter who you choose. Red hair, brown skin, green eyes, or permanently bundled under layers of clothing - it's all the same difference. You just need to date someone. That will make whatever hard lessons you're learning or emptiness you feel better. Right? 

It’s almost sad that you’re not looking for just any warm body.

You’re alright with solo Netflix binge watching and group bar outings. You’re glad you have extra time to work on the platonic relationships in your life. You don’t need — let alone want — just any somebody’s company.

You’ve come to realize, it doesn’t matter if you’re getting over a break up or not, you don’t want anybody. You know that’s lonely. It’s worse than the first time you went to the movies by yourself and all of the “How are you still single?!” family holiday dinner commentaries combined.

You can’t just point out some random person and look to them to make you happy. You need a spark. You need that silly grin plastered across your face whenever you think of their name or how you met. You need that rush comes whenever your phone pings and it’s them. You need to date someone who isn’t an afterthought."