I have to thank that one person though. The one person that meant the world to me last December. The person that gave me so much hopes and made my mind go wild just thinking of all the "one days" that he said. Because of him I've experienced everything a girl could've experienced in a span of maybe 2-3 years. I was happy I got thru it in just a year.
Then I met another guy in the beginning of this year. It was a short one month, yet it has taught me so many things. What kind of people I should be wary of. He made my self esteem real low. Because it seemed like whatever I do it was never enough for him. It was like my flaws were even bigger flaws in his eyes. He made me felt like shit but I don't regret meeting him. Because I've definitely known better right now.
So after awhile I realised the guy that I've dated for a month was just a rebound from the guy that gave me hell loads of butterflies in my tummy in December 2013. Hell no I wasn't over him. I didn't even know what I was feeling. I know it definitely because I was lonely thats why I said I wasn't over him. Because he, gave me NO ATTENTION at all. He didn't care whether I was sick. He didn't care if school was killing me. He didn't care if I was injured. He didn't care at all. He didn't even bother texting me. None. No news. All these shit ended in July. Technically May but I only got thru the shit in July.
I've gone crazy clubbing after that. I didn't know why I felt joy when people were giving me the attention no one would when I'm sober. I loved it when people came up to me. I loved it when I was approached by tall guys. In my heart I knew all they wanted was my body but I just told myself yolo. I was just having fun. That's all that matters. I wanted to prove to him that there are many people out there that wanted me. So without him I'm fine as hell. But every morning after each night I felt horrible. Why do I do such things to torture myself? I have my own morals. I know right from wrong. Why do I downgrade myself to that extent just to feel wanted? What the hell was wrong with me? I have honestly regretted the one thing I did right after my birthday. That shall not be mentioned over here. A week after that I did something EVEN worse. That was my breaking point. It has been haunting me till now. Thank you, you, because now you will never get out of my head and my nightmares.
Through this all I thank Liqian. Thank you so much for being there for me. You have no idea how much I appreciate your love. I will never forget the one time when I was feeling like shit and you bought cupcakes to my school. I love you so much you're like the one friend I'll never ever let go. Thank you for seeing all sides of me and still staying by my side, guiding me slowly and all. So much love.
I hated school. I dreaded school ever since Day 1 of this year. It was so bad that I honestly wished I could go back to secondary school times. I rather go thru fucking O levels all over again. At least my friends were lovely as hell and they were all I looked forward to everyday. All I wanted was the weekends to come so I could party my life away. I hated the people I hated the drama. Like why was I even in it??!?!?!?! Just because I liked someone who didn't even have the balls to say he liked me until he lost feelings for me. Come i clap for you. The weekends were my only cure to distance myself away from all these irritating fuckers.
The start of third year was not very good either. I honestly have lost all interest in dance. I go to school only to let the teacher look at me and tell me "eh you party during the weekend issit" dafak. What kind of teacher. Just because of the one time I clubbed with the fucking seniors. That was one helluva embarrassing night. When I think of it I want to vomit blood. I just hate everyone hate it
I loved the recital nights where I could escape to liqian and rant. I don't know how she tolerate me sometimes but sigh if she was a guy I'd marry her. YES I WOULD BE THE ONE PROPOSING BECUZ I LOVE HER TOO DAMN MUCH.
So the second half of the year I went clubbing twice. Once was in Aug and from there I met another jerk. Well okay not much of a story to tell over here but again a different kind of jerk. At least I know the kind of men there are out there. He was a 25 year old that had no goals in life, no plans on settling and all he did was fuck around and party every Wed Fri and Sat. Mini background for ya. More info for ya? His peanut was so small I don't even think it exists.
And then Mid September the love of my life appeared. He was the one guy that I've judged for so long and I feel so bad. I didn't even reply him, or gave myself a chance to know him. All I did was ignore. Until that one day I decided to just reply him since he still never gave up saying hi and since I was bored. Yeah look at that sentence I said "since i was bored" yes it's true I won't lie. When he wanted to date me out I said no. I couldn't bear to see myself go out with a guy that couldn't even type properly in texts, let alone his ahbengness was overwhelming.
I was so so wrong. I wouldn't say I fell for him on the first date. It took me 2 months. 2 months to slowly understand his nature, to open up and to see his sincerity. I didn't regret knowing him. He made me felt so much in a span of 4 months. Heartache, love, anger, disappointment, care, concern. He came into my life and everything changed. As each day passes I have this thought that he'll leave me soon enough. But no. He stayed even until now. Slowly my judgement towards him became an infatuation. Then I started to like him so much it became love. & it gets stronger each day. I knew he was the one.
I hated how time was not on our side. I hated how far he was when he was at Germany. I hated the time distance. & When I was at Italy I felt the same. I really bow down to those who do long distance relationships. I know I wouldn't be able to handle it. I'd miss my guy so much I would probably cry every night.
This might seem so weird but I honestly see a future with him. He may be my first love but probably also my last. Maybe I'm one of the lucky girls in this world that might end up with my first love. Many might tell me I'm just at my honeymoon period. All of these will die down after a year. I will get tired of him constantly nagging at me and shit like that. Yeah I'm sure it'll happen. But I know myself I love that guy. & whatever it is I'll make sure we give in to one another. I know it's stupid to say I'm not a materialistic girl because I'm only 19. I'm still under the support of my parents and I do not need to work for anything. He on the other hand, is supporting himself. Hence he has a lot of insecurities when it comes to the future with me. To me honestly love is above everything. Whats suffering when I'm suffering with the one I love? I know it sounds annoying and cliche and shit but really...... I hate to put my happiness in someone else's hands. But that's all that is. I can't find happiness within me. I feel happy when I make someone happy. That's me and that'll always be me. So I love him. When he's happy, I am. He makes me smile like an idiot all the time and even when we talk rubbish I don't find it childish. Because it's with him.
I have a lot of things to thank him for. Like how he's so patient with my horrible attitude. How he is always giving in to me. I feel horrible when I get angry.... Because I don't want to but I can't help it. I'm gonna start changing this horrible temper of mine. Thank you Dylan. I know we've officially been together for a month only but you're really all that matters in my life. Of course there are other things in life that matters la, like my job and fucking studies.. But as long as you're here with me I have enough strength to pull through anything.
I've did something I've never done in my life. I brought him over to meet my parents, as my boyfriend. They talked and they seemed fine with it. I loved that everything went well that very day. I'm thankful to have celebrated Christmas with you. I'm thankful to be able to start 2015 with my baby.
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| I love you |
I know there are times when I feel like I can communicate my feelings to you. That's because I'm doubtful of myself. I hate this habit of mine. I hate to let people know what I'm actually thinking until they say something first. I really don't know why my intuition is so strong. It's really scary because sometimes the things I think about, I don't want it to happen.... But I just know it will... I am not saying that anything's gonna happen between us. Like I said I can see things. I have definitely not seen anyone in my future. I have faith in us. I want you to believe me because I am trying very hard to believe in myself. We will work things out when things get worse. We will always work things out.
Ok how did this become some love letter.... I'm sorry I have so much to say.
Maybe you've read my posts for the past few days. I have been having trouble coping with my family, friends and my boyfriend. I feel too much for everybody. I know I can't please everybody but they are still my closest people. To see them feel like shit makes me feel like shit. I wish I had enough time for each and everyone of them but I really can't. I know I can't ask for everybody's understanding. But I hope our friendships will still last as long. I am honestly afraid to know what will happen a few years down the road. These group of friends are the only closest people to me. I have already appointed all of them to be my bridesmaid. They cannot forget me. I know sometimes I'm a selfish and greedy person when it comes to love but I love all of them. I cannot sacrifice ANY one of them. No. I apologise if I haven't been spending a lot of time with y'all... You know I mean no harm. As for my parents... All I can say is that I wish they know I'm not the kind of person they think I am. I'm not a princess I'm not somebody who's good for nothing. I can survive in the jungle if you throw me there. I can go a few days without food. I can go through sufferings if you want me to. I can do it.
The goals I have for next year, is to safely graduate from my dance course. I honestly would consider taking an arts management degree. If that's the case then I hope my interview would succeed. Also grad trip with my clique... PLEASE I want it to happen. We've been waiting for years for this year to come. It has to happen. Speaking of trips, I really wish to be able to travel with him next year. I don't know if it's possible.... But if it is, I thank god waaaaaay in advance.
Quite depressing because I just read my NYE's post for 2013 and I realised last year was a bad year for me too.. Sad to say, 2014 has been worst. Although of course he's the best thing that has happened in 2014. For him I'll say thank you to all the shits I've been through in 2014. Because that's what brought me to you. I'm pretty sure he'll be the best thing in every of my new year's post from now on. Thank you baby I love you so much, to the moon and back.
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